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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Half sister wants a relationship but I'm unsure. AIBU??

23 replies

Sunshinelollypops8 · 26/10/2021 15:55

So guys I need a little guidance.
I'm 26 and my dad has never wanted anything to do with me and my brother. He was abusive to my mum abd the last time I saw him I was 2.
The only time he has ever bothered to get in contact was when he was drunk when I was 16.
Iv worked really hard to get over the fact my own parent didn't want me and it's caused a lot of problems for me.
Keep in mind he only live 40 mins away so it's not like he couldn't have easily got in contact if he really wanted.

Anyway I have 4 half siblings. And the half sister is 17.
I know she hasn't had an amazing upbringing. Not the worst but not great.
Last year she got in contact as she wanted to meet. So I took the plunge and met her.
It was hard. I was deflated after.
And now she wants to meet again. And I don't know whether o want too.
If I did it would be out of obligation and not wanting to hurt her feelings.
It's difficult.
I don't want that part of my life to affect where Iv got to now.
I have a little girl which has imbedded even more hate for my dad for leaving.
And I know it's not her fault she didn't ask for a dad like him. But AIBU if I decided I didn't want to meet again?
And how would I go about it in a nice way? Iv very direct so I struggle with beating around the bush which can come across Abit harsh.
Anyway thanks for reading If you got this far 😅

OP posts:

WellLarDeDar · 26/10/2021 16:32

OP sorry about your dad :( that seriously sucks

Why was the meeting with your half sister hard? Was she not a nice person? Try to remember none of it is her fault.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/10/2021 16:38

Does your dad still with that family?

Holly60 · 26/10/2021 16:41

Why did you feel so deflated after you met her?

Original poster

Sunshinelollypops8 · 26/10/2021 16:47

@WellLarDeDar I think because she's the daughter that was wanted and the family that was wanted and I wasn't good enough.
And I also worry about my life getting back to him as I don't feel he deserves the right to know anything about me xx.

@AryaStarkWolf yes my dad is still with that family x

@Holly60 if you read what I wrote to welllar you will see. I think that's the reason. Xx

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 26/10/2021 16:51

You're not unreasonable to not want a relationship with her but don't view it as her being the daughter that was wanted. You were only 2. You weren't the reason he left.

Member984815 · 26/10/2021 16:52

Maybe tell her it's not the right time for you to do this and you'd prefer occasionally contacting her by email for a while instead , it might just be too much for you to deal with now and if you take your time you might want to have more contact in the future

mrsmoppp · 26/10/2021 16:55

I've been in the exact situation as you have, taking from experience I would be very very cautious. I personally found the whole thing very difficult and all it did was bring up my issues - the same as yours why wasn't I good enough.

DaftVader42 · 26/10/2021 16:56

I met my secret cousin. (Uncle had an affair). I just didn’t take to him. He still loved his Dad (despite having been kept secret from his Dad’s family ((my aunt knew) and I think his Dad is one of the biggest pricks I’ve ever met. So we were never going to get on. We were same age though , so I felt no responsibility to him.

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 26/10/2021 16:57

I think you should be kind but honest. Tell her that meeting her brought up a lot of hard feelings about your dad especially related to his rejection of you. It’s not about her and you wish you could separate how you feel about her with how you feel about your dad but at the moment it feels too hard.

She will most likely to upset, but at least you’re giving her the respect of the truth.

backtolifebacktoreality · 26/10/2021 17:03

@Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss

She will most likely to upset, but at least you’re giving her the respect of the truth.

Perfect!!!

That way you are being honest with her whilst at the same time explaining it's not her fault!

Djifunrsn · 26/10/2021 17:03

I’d send her a message saying that you are not able to meet up because it brings up issues from having been abandoned. And wish her well.

paisley256 · 26/10/2021 17:08

If I did it would be out of obligation and not wanting to hurt her feelings.
It's difficult.

I think you have to condider your own feelings before hers. It's admirable that you are so thoughtful but ultimately you and your little girl are your priority.

This could potentially cause you alot of stress which would have a negative impact on your daughter, if she saw you upset for example.

Honesty is probably the best way here. Tell her you just don't feel like you want to, that it's not the right time prehaps?

Ultimately you have to do what's right for you and your little girl. I wish you well

Enough4me · 26/10/2021 17:15

You're only responsible for being a parent to your DD and can be honest with your SS who is actually close in age to being an adult anyhow. I'd go with @Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss post above.

Ponoka7 · 26/10/2021 17:32

Being honest with her might be cathartic. You say that she was the wanted one, but at the same time she hasn't had a good childhood. Hearing her story might see you both as his victims.
My half sister always viewed me as a bit more of a golden child, when in reality I had a worse time because I grew up with our Mother.
It's very close to Christmas which also brings up lots of feelings, so if you need to, put it off. Does she need help in any way?

Alwayswantedasmegf · 26/10/2021 17:40

I've got half siblings. I think it can be awkward.

There's only one that I cannot bond with despite seeing her now and again as a child although she's 10 years older than me. The connection is just not there I'm not sure what it is there's no bad vibes but I just decided to let it go. We went for dinner once and I haven't met her since.

HappyMeal564 · 26/10/2021 18:07

I have 3 half siblings I've never met. None have tried to contact me but if they did I would personally nicely decline. It's nothing against them but like you my dad chose not to see us when we were all very young, I have no relationship with him and don't particularly want any ties to him, I guess they are all people that I just don't know. All that said she is at a tricky age and I don't know how you let her down gently, but you have to do whatever suits you, this is your life. Best of luck to you, I hope it works out

AmyandPhilipfan · 26/10/2021 23:34

She very well may feel a lot of guilt that she got to grow up with your dad and you didn’t. It’s not exactly the same as my half siblings still saw our dad but I always felt tremendously guilty that I had him and they didn’t. If they ever came to stay and I was going out to dance lessons or whatever I felt very embarrassed as I wasn’t sure if they’d had those opportunities when they were younger. So personally I would try and separate her from your dad and see if you can build a relationship with her based on her personality and likes rather than anything to do with your shared backgrounds.

JCFJW · 27/10/2021 00:26

Don’t tell her she was the wanted one or say anything to make her feel guilty because she isn’t and you don’t know what your dad is actually like with her.

I’ve been the 17yo in this situation. In my case the half siblings who grew up without my dad thought I was a spoilt brat who stole their dad from them. In reality he was abusive and hit me, my full siblings and my mum and because they’d never lived with him they thought it was just a case of him abandoning them to go and be dad of the year to his new family. It was all woe is me for them and they spat pure vitriol about me and my siblings despite us being children.

JCFJW · 27/10/2021 00:28

Sorry I’m projecting there but I’ve noticed that the children of a blokes second family are always assumed to be spoiled horrible little brats lucky to have a dad. It really affected me hearing what my siblings thought of me.

JCFJW · 27/10/2021 00:31

My point is you’re not being unreasonable but don’t start saying “well you were wanted and I wasn’t he loves you and not me” because he may actually be highly abusive to her. You just don’t know.

Hobbesmanc · 27/10/2021 10:24

I'm in a similar position. Abusive horrible biological father with no contact from childhood at all. Three half siblings. I met two of them. I've continued a relationship with one of them- because I got on well with his wife and their kids. its a warm but limited relationship as I feel a little restricted as we don't discuss our mutual father and siblings. There was no emotional tie really

AryaStarkWolf · 27/10/2021 14:02

[quote Sunshinelollypops8]@WellLarDeDar I think because she's the daughter that was wanted and the family that was wanted and I wasn't good enough.
And I also worry about my life getting back to him as I don't feel he deserves the right to know anything about me xx.

@AryaStarkWolf yes my dad is still with that family x

@Holly60 if you read what I wrote to welllar you will see. I think that's the reason. Xx[/quote]
I could see why it would be awkward for you then

Darkstar4855 · 27/10/2021 14:06

YANBU. Just be honest with her and say it’s nothing personal but it’s too hard for you right now. You don’t owe her a relationship.

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