Can't connect with people - what's wrong with me?

[dustyflipflop]

I have recently come to realize this. Ever since my childhood ''best friend'' did a 180 and used me as a scapegoat and laughing target to get in with the ''cool kids'' I have struggled with friendships.

Bare with me as I try to explain this - I never seem to be able to connect with people, even if I have a nice conversation and so on it always seems like they are just temporary people in my life and I never grow fond of anyone, I can sympathize with someone going through a tough time but I don't really care about it deeply - I feel awful even writing this down.
I struggle with making relatable conversation anyway and my social battery can run out very quickly. I tend to over-analyse interactions in my head and struggle to say anything interesting and I sometimes think people find me boring or un-relatable.

I really like my in-laws, they are lovely people and I enjoy seeing them, they've been in my life for the past 12+ years and are the DGPs to my DCs yet I do not feel any sort of connection to them even though we see each other frequently and I know they really like me too. I sometimes feel like an outsider even though they have gone to every effort to ensure I feel at home around them.

Similar when it comes to my parents - although the relationship on this side is rather strained due to their alcohol problems and past behavior - but I've never, ever felt like I need my mum there, not when I've been down or upset, not when I was giving birth (in fact it was the opposite), I never feel like I want a hug from them and I don't really care all that much to see them often either. (BTW they are not old and don't need any help from me so I'm not neglecting anything in that department).

On the other hand I love my DH and DCs dearly. I feel deeply connected with DH even though sometimes I think I'm not good enough for him and he should have ended up with someone better. When we have disagreements - which is extremely rare actually and we never shout or swear at each other - I always feel withdrawn and like a stranger and like he will now realize I'm not what he wants.
He has never made me feel like this by the way, he is loving and reassuring and a wonderful man who has never given me a reason to doubt his intentions.

I don't really know what I'm hoping this post will achieve and I'm not sure if I have explained things well enough to make sense but I hope it does.

Has anyone ever felt like this before? Is there something wrong with me?

I get what you mean. Could it possibly be related to trauma? I had an alcoholic parent too. Maybe it's something to do with that.
For me I think it's also because I've moved around a lot, and the people I've met move around a lot too. So it's hard to build lasting friendships. Even my local friendships are fairly superficial. We get along, we have a good time socialising and we help each other out at times but I don't feel like they're deep friendships.
Maybe it's down to personality too. You sound like you're an introvert. I think I lean towards that side too. I like people but in small doses. Do you actually want things to change? Because you don't HAVE to be a people person, it's fine to be as you are.

Are you trying to say, and I’m sorry if I got this wrong, that you don’t care for anyone other than you’re husband and children, as in you like people, but never develop any form of deeper relationship where you actually care about them past the superficial?

Meh. I'm like this. I am almost 50 now and have accepted it's just me. I think it has something to do with moving alot as a child and being bought up in a tiny family who weren't that sociable.

But tbh I think it's just me. I find many people annoying and selfish and had my fingers burned too many times. Too often I've bounded into a new friendship and then thought WTF at some action or another they've shown. Now I keep my circle small. I hold back.

I hate groups, just struggle to find my place and not come across as a twit by being overly confident, or a doormat who gets pushed out. So now I don't pursue these relationships.

I think alot of it is down to this ideal we are fed about friendships. It's often a harmonious group who all there for one another (pretty much any sitcom you can think of). In reality there is often in fighting , power at play and back stabbing going on.

I realised long ago that I like the concept of friendship, but not the reality. Totally agree with the saying you can count your good friend on one hand.

DH has a group of uni friends that I occassioanlly go out with but it's exhausting so I keep it to the minimum. They all slag each other off anyway.

One more thing. I don't connect with people either. I see other people having lots of friendships , some appear quite deep. I think the reason is they will often invest time in those friendships that I don't as I don't really want to be close to that many people. But , also I think often friendships aren't as genuine as appearances suggest. Some people are just way better at pretending to like others.

I’m not sure I experience friendships like the last posters, there is no power play or backstabbing in mine, we all genuinely like each other and support one another, we don’t slag each other off behind backs either,

If those things occur in peoples relationships then they are not friends.

I became a bit of a misfit after my ex friend did what she did and then moved countries not long after.

Spent the first years at secondary trying to learn the language and avoiding bullies.
I've never kept in touch with the friends I made at school, it all seemed a bit drama filled and superficial and we ended up having a big fall out towards the end. I didn't really do much better at college, made a friend quite early on and then found out she messed up a couple of my relationships behind my back then proceeded to try and get with the guys after which was another WTF moment. She then dropped out and I nearly failed one of my A levels as she had the flash pen with all our work on it and went AWOL.

I think I'm quite socially unaware in general. Probably in part due to a bit of a lack of experience. My ''best friend'' was actually quite competitive with me (not that I noticed at the time) and would get jealous if I got attention over her (she considered herself the pretty one) and would go out of her way to one up me - so I think in a way it probably set me up to expect this from future friendships.

I don't have a single friend to my name. Wouldn't even know how to make one at this point. Can't get past a bit of superficial chat but I never feel like I have anything in common with anyone.

Some of what you describe fits with autism (of the high functioning kind). Might be worth looking into if you wanted to.

I am also like you OP.
I have a very strained relationship with my parents and funnily enough alcohol was factor there too.

My mother didn't encourage any of my friendships and doesn't have any friends either. She's doesn't talk fondly of her family; aunts, cousins etc

I can feel my relationship with my sibling and their family going in the same way but not for the want of trying on my behalf. They are there for me in a crisis, but they are not my friend (if that makes sense)

When growing up, I thought I had a few good friendships but they dissolved when I moved away, although the same didn't happen when other friends moved 🤷‍♀️

I consider myself a nice, friendly person but I don't have a social circle of friends at all.
I have a few friends whom I can rely on but they have other friends which I'm not included with.

I have a DP whom despite only knowing for a few years, i would consider my best friend. I also intend to have a good relationship with my children and encourage their friendships.

I don't know what else I can do really. It kills me to see groups of females on days/nights out but then I wouldn't know how to be in that situation 😕

I'm not sure that this is about relationships - it is more about you feeling that you are not worthy; about your sense of self-esteem.

The idea that your OH could have done better and you are not worthy of him is a clear sign of lack of self-esteem.

Would you be able to pay for some counselling? It might help.

OP, nothing too helpful to add but I think I feel like this. Is our family bi-cultural by any chance? Mine is and we moved between countries, which caused issues along the way.

All I can recommend is to accept yourself as you are be happy that you feel so connected to your dh and dc, try and have friend but maybe super close friendships aren't for you at this stage in your life.

I've had a bff who massively overshadowed me during our teen years, she was so attention seeking and better than me in every way, look wise, academically and in terms of being popular. It knocked my self confidence so much.

@SaigonSaigon funny because it crossed my mind at one point.

@itsureis I can relate to really wanting a group of friends but I also feel like I wouldn't always be able to keep up with it as it sounds demanding and I'm not always up for lots of socializing and don't know how to come across right.

@SeaMoo as it transpired my ''friend'' ended up quite jealous of me. I once found out she'd spend hours practicing a certain activity I was naturally good at (we did a club together) because she hated not being better. She'd also try and get the attention of the boys I would admit to her I liked and then to the whole fake surprised ''he likes me?'' ''oh but I didn't do anything'' bla bla bull when she'd flirt her head off/ try really hard around them once she knew I liked them.

God I'm quite exhausted just writing this