To be feeling like this…?

[Ellie2015]

I have a husband who at the age of 40 is living a life of 70 years old. He is pill popping for all sorts of issues like heart attack, blood pressure diabetes etc. His lifestyle hasn’t changed A BIT despite all this. His kidneys are affected eyes are affected …to me he is mentally sick and I am sure if they scan his head there will be something! As he is incapable of even realising how Dangerous it is to his own life to not do anything about it despite all the major events and there is a little life that calls him daddy with so much of love! LO is only little and every moment I think of how she is going to grow up not having her father around as this freaky sick person doesn’t realise he could turn things around even from here! He loves popping pills and not so any extra work as that’s what he is grown up with.

My relationship has been such a stressor in my life. He is so odd. I have lived with him like I have lived in a hell. I had n number of miscarriages with him. I lost my career. Lost my own health and forgot what my own well-being means.

After such a long time we booked a holiday. The place we were going to has been in green list so he told me no need for any PCRs etc so we booked the test and here we were at the airport. They then ask for a PCR test for the little one. And I can’t even explain my feelings on that. He tried to pretend with the officials that he knew more than them but he knew he was wrong. This made me so furious. Our holiday has started with a test costing 120 euros and a hotel costing 100 euros,

We have gone through such embarrassments so many times that I am always living my life at the edge. Always hyper alert. God knows what he might do something that might be so stupid and embarrassing!

There were absolutely clear instructions re covid pcr testing for the kids of LO’s age. No ifs and buts how can one ‘didn’t bother checking as it said adults didn’t need any test when fully vaccinated’. ONE THinG…while holidaying at the time of Covid!

I feel so stupid to not have ‘double checked’ him despite clearly instructing him to find from airlines etc to make sure 100% no hidden things. He was so confident he didn’t bother and here we are!

Best is he would deal with all such events very calmly. If on road people shout on him because he has been driving like a pain in the a** he would probably blame the road or that person and he goes on making same mistakes ( not mistakes for him ofcourse)!

Due to all medications he has lost his libido. We haven’t had DTD for last 5 years! I bloody feel like going out just for that reason but I am not made like for cheating. And I know he is not cheating. Bloody he is just living a life of 70 years old with no excitement in life.

Please tell me if I am being unreasonable in being so crossed with this quarantine thing. It’s not about money. It’s about time. My little one doesn’t understand why instead of water park or swimming in the pool she is stuck in a room, why she can’t even go out for a dinner!

I feel like crying I feel angry and upset. Sorry to vent here…

I can not honestly see why you are remaining in this marriage.
You are unhappy and you LO sounds like she will cope as long as she still spends time with him.

What are your options?

This post is horrible ableist

I think you need to leave. He’s making you very unhappy. And you won’t be able to make him change, only he can do that.

By ‘heart attack’ pills I’m assuming you mean statins, ACE inhibitor blood pressure medication, 75mg aspirin, etc? Is he taking these bit but Not changing his diet or doing any exercise?

Yes he is taking all those medicines you mentioned- highest doses of all! He does ZERO exercise! And his diet is appalling! Doctor’s had said if you don’t exercise on these pills you will still die but litte does he care.

Reason for being in this marriage- none except for LO. She loves her dad.

I am not being ableist. Anyone can have medical problems but how he is behaving irresponsible with such big health issues is becoming unacceptable to me. His head is screwed surely but he won’t seek help. His sex desire is zero but he won’t seek help. This feels like a torture to me.

If I leave him or divorce him, he will happily live alone without any drop of sadness. That’s how he is made. My LG would be the one disadvantaged in the middle of all this.

I don't think I understand the full picture here. You mean he could improve his health but chooses not to? And he never wants to do anything? Was it his responsibility to check the need for a PCR test before the holiday? Why can't you take your daughter to the pool or out somewhere?

Why would your LO be more disadvantaged?

Her mum is unhappy her dad although present doesn't appear to be an active parent in her life.
Do not underestimate children's needs they need more than just mum and dad 8n the same house.

@Ellie2015

If I leave him or divorce him, he will happily live alone without any drop of sadness. That’s how he is made. My LG would be the one disadvantaged in the middle of all this.

Would she? Sounds like she's too young to be affected by it much, except that it apparently would mean she could do things she can't do now and wants to?

Why would your child be disadvantaged if your husband and you split?

He is no example for her, you are unhappy and she will pick upon it

Just leave

@Bonsaibreaker is right, @Ellie2015. Your daughter needs a happy mother much more than she needs her under the same roof as her father. Give her credit for her resilience. She may adore him but he’s obviously not that bothered about sticking around for her, plus you say he wouldn’t care if you left. I’d leave him and make it patently obvious that his disregard for his daughter is up there in the long list of reasons why.

If he’s not exercising and eating well, he’s wasting the resource that Is those life-changing medicines, also.

Are you both working? If I were you, I’d everything in my power to break free to have a happy and more importantly healthy life with my daughter.

Actually, all the posters are right. Your daughter won’t be disadvantaged.

You seem so unhappy and you blame him for your unhappiness. Can you speak to him and explain your feelings to see where he is at? Ultimately if he's not willing to or can't change you need to consider if this is right for you both. What's best for you will be what's best for your daughter.

You are mad because he’s unwell and because you didn’t check to see if your son needed a pcr?

Yoga- no need for scarcastic message at 3 am when you can’t even get the post!

Thank you all, i have had this hell married life for ages but I didn’t want my daughter to grow into a broken family as at the end of the day, she wants to have those daddy times. Breaking up would be tough for child care etc as well.

I have done everything under the roof to get this man to seek help. Got him to gym/swimming etc. He is sick to not understand gravity of situation. He is sick to not understand what it is for me to not have another LO just for this reason! And so many things!

Yes I am mad that one thing at covid time he didn’t bother checking he says! How did I forget his IQ level and how did I miss on this?!

But how long and how many things can I literally keep a tab on?

Kids homework school matters everything all alone!
I am sad and unhappy with this man but I feel like I am stuck to live with this destiny

I feel like I am stuck to live with this destiny

Of course you are not. You sound a bit over-dramatic.

You're very unhappy & you dislike him. Separate & build a life you are happy with.

I am sad and unhappy with this man but I feel like I am stuck to live with this destiny

Of course you're not. You have a choice. It's a hard one, but it's a choice. And right now you are making it.

I wonder if you're using your daughter as a reason to convince yourself that there isn't a choice? Why would you do that?

We don’t always write what we mean…perhaps that’s why I am sounding ‘over dramatic’

But my pain is long standing

Yes my priority is my child and that’s who I always think of. She is happy with her dad completely ignorant of the fact what’s going around between her parents (as we do not argue etc in front of her), sooner or later reality will strike in but I don’t want to deprive of the happiness that she gets from him.

He went out on a tour for few days alone and she asked me a thousand times when daddy was returning.

It’s hard to explain but I have to say I have mustered enough courage yet to get out of this toxic relationship that’s just given me so much of unhappiness and destroyed my career self esteem and wellbeing

Thing is, we can't change or control people. All we can ever control is how we react to them.

It's pointless blaming him for the PCR requirement when you're both adults who are equally capable of finding this information out. You clearly have access to the internet so why didn't you look the information up? Especially given everything else that you're saying about him and his low IQ.

If you were ill and he was being dismissive and critical towards you, how would you feel?

I am sad and unhappy with this man but I feel like I am stuck to live with this destiny

It's not just your destiny though, is it? What about your little one's destiny. How is that being shaped?

I think using the negative phrase 'broken home' to describe where the parents have split up and the child/children alternate between them implies that staying together is somehow better for the children. And this deters some parents from making the best decision for themselves and their offspring.

I think a home where the parents' relationship is an unhappy one (for whatever reason) is actually already 'broken' and an unhealthy environment.

Beggars I agree with you sooner or later it will surface to her. At the moment bless her she is totally unaware of anything.

Sleepoh you are right but it was one thing that he confirmed to me he had looked into and he has a friend living in the country we were visiting so really it didn’t occur to me that he could really be this daft or to be honest this dangerous! The quarantine period in a new country was scary.

I am not being critical of his illness. I am being critical of his inability to understand his own health issues. We all strive to live a health life for ourselves and our families. I want to live long for my LO. If it meant living on a bowl of cereals everyday I would probably even do that. What I am trying to get at is that Doctor’s have very explicitly told him that on medications if he doesn’t exercise he will die. He won’t be able to survive his second heart attack. Since then I dropped my ideas of having a second child which was such a big decision for me. I don’t get it how he can be so helpless to understand a simple logistic. He is now holidaying with ‘all inclusive’ package and dumping everything in the world in front of him despite me and LO role modelling for him! I feel sad for the situation. He is helpless with the habits he has and has lost or pretends to loose all the understanding.

I come from a split parent household. Half of the country do! Your daughter will be fine. Completely fine. Leave him and do yourself a favor.

I think you are using your child not to leave.
Your child will be fine.

Leave him and stop using him as an excuse to be miserable.

Take responsibility for your choices and decisions.

He hasn't forced you to make these choices?

Your marriage sounds over.

You only have one life. Value it.

Thank you Morgan and Billy.