AIBU family on dad's side never contact me

[Plentyofchips]

So I'm in my late 30s I have a husband and 2 children. My parents divorced when I was a young teen and previously they had argued a lot my whole life. Both parents worked long hours but my dad was more noticeably not present.

Basically the situation is that if I don't contact him, he just would never contact me. I saw him for the first time in 3 years about a month ago. It's always pleasent enough but honestly if I didn't get in touch I don't think I'd ever here from him. My auntie
(his sis) who I spent a lot of time with as a child is the same and my grandfather on that side has always been like that too. Part of me wants to have this lovely close family but I just feel like it's always me putting in the effort and if I didn't get in touch it's like I don't exist to them. It's hard not to think it's me but I know they are the same with my sister and brother. I don't have a great relationship with my mum so I sometimes just get really depressed at the thought of being this totally unlovable child (to my parents).
Is this normal or do I just have a fairly cold unloving family?

YABU - you are making yourself a victim here. People just have more important things to think about in life, grow up.
YANBU - They should probably put a bit more effort in

*hear from him

My DPs split up when I was 2, but I still saw my "D"F until I was about 6, then nothing till I got in touch with him at 16. When I'm in his company, I feel like the most important person in his world. He's falling over himself to tell me how wonderful I am, how much he loves and misses me etc. But as soon as I'm not standing right in front of him, it's as if he forgets I exist! Honestly, it's the most bizarre thing!

I put up with it for years and years. When I had my daughters, he became mildly interested for a bit, but then vanished again. Eventually, I realised that if I didn't put my foot down, he was going to do the same to my DC as he'd done to me (and my siblings), so I told him that going forward, if I called him, he needed to return my call within a week (and if it wasn't possible, just send a quick text), he needed to send a Christmas card to the DC and Birthday cards to both of them - to arrive before their birthdays (no presents required, just a card)! I provided him with our address and the dates of their birthdays.

That was nearly 4 years ago now, and I haven't heard a peep out of him!

I think it's really sad that your Dad and his family have been so rubbish, but it sounds like it's time to move on - for your own peace of mind. If you make this your decision, not to be in touch with him any more, then you will feel more in control of the situation. I'm sorry that this has happened to you, it's crap and makes you feel like you're not good enough - that's bollocks by the way - you are good enough, and he is not.

@BetsyBigNose thank you for replying. Sorry to hear about the situation with your dad. I just don't understand the behaviour of these people...maybe for some people it's a case of out of sight, out of mind. But since having children I just can't imagine not making the effort to keep in touch or at least check to see if they are okay. I feel like if I just cut off from them then it's on my shoulders that we're not in touch and would feel guilty that I haven't made sure they are also in my children's lives. They clearly don't feel any guilt about not keeping in touch with me though. It's so sad.

Are they happy to hear from you when you get in touch?

Such a shame. They are also missing out but maybe it’s just the way they are? Do they spend a lot of time with each other and other family?

My father was not in my life until I was an adult - I initiated contact and he was apparently keen to have a relationship. But he didn’t ever get in touch. I had to be the one to organise to visit / go out for a meal etc. When I had my first daughter I had no contact - no card, no phone call. He was apparently waiting for me to visit. So I didn’t bother. I realised that I would have to be the one to do all the running - which made me question how important I actually was to him.

Sadly he fell a couple of years later - I did visit him and he passed away shortly after.

People told me how much he loved me. He didn’t really know me and didn’t behave as though he loved me. The excuse was it was “just the way he was”. That’s fine but it doesn’t mean it’s ok.

I am an only child but my parents came from huge families. Think my big fat Greek wedding doubled. I have over 50 first cousins.

My parents died many years ago. I was 17 when mum went and 24 with dad.

I used to make an effort to see as many people as possible especially at Christmas.

4 years ago I gave up doing it. No one contacted me. They didn't need me in their life and I clearly aren't important to them.

I have some FB contact and have bumped into the occasional cousin.

But you know what...I am not bothered either

@sadiequeenofscots they do say they are happy to hear from me and it's lovely to see me, should do it more often. But it's all meaningless as it doesn't make any difference to when I might hear from them next. My dad and auntie nsee each other fairly frequently (probably several times a year) and my auntie especially sees my grandad fairly often too. The last time I saw my dad he said that my grandad had a stroke and nearly died but no one had bothered telling me about it. He did the same when my grandma was unwell and didn't bother letting me know despite me being quite close with her. Its like he just doesn't remember I exist or that I'm part of the family

There's a dynamic in some families that the younger folk do the running, communications wise. I've never been contacted socially by any relative older than me. It's my job to stay in touch with my aunts and uncles, grandparents.

The next lot down don't work the same way though- so it's my job to keep in touch with them too!

Sometimes one family member becomes the organiser, so we all meet up at granny J's, for example. Or we all go to Granny J's on Boxing Day, do new year at Aunty Tina's, hallowe'en at cousin bob's and we see uncle Fred at his bonfire party. Oh, and go to the seaside with granny m every summer.

It isn't always about individuals and how popular they are, but about how effective family networks are. Some families are really bad at them.

A friend had a family event on almost every week. They see each other loads but no one makes a particular point of it, they just all turn up to all the events anyone organises.

My dad's family has been exactly the same since I was a child. My Dad, Grandad, Aunties & Uncles.

My Aunt who lives in Aus is the last one alive and recently passed away.

I got a call from her around 4 months ago. She told me how much she loved me, how sorry we had never had much time to spend together.

She had cancer and was dying. She told me she wanted me to have a few personal items Jewellery and Photo's. And would I scatter her ashes on the family of course I would I said

I kept in touch with her and reminisced about the few memories I had of her, my dad, grandad etc

Fast forward a jewellery box arrives of old broken Jewellery, Then some photo's of Her and complete strangers, My dad, his wife Stepsister's & Half Brother's and Sister. A few of my Grandad And I think 3 of myself and my sister.

Then I've received a call from the Airport to say her ashes have arrived and Its going to cost me £200 to go and fetch them this is Airline Tax, customs tax, Storage (cant afford to get them til i get paid,) A Covid Tax and then a courier to deliver them.

Nice parting gift. The broken jewellery will be pawned in order to try and recover the costs.

Honestly my dad never paid a penny in child support and the last of them go's and Im lumbered with the bill

In my experience keep clear

On the brightside once the ashes are gone I never have to go to or think about that family or their small town again

I'd decline! And I'm kind and respectful! Honestly, forget it @Vodkaskirts ! You allowed her a few months of feeling she'd patched it up. Call it quits!