Difficult uncle situation

[Jane032]

I have a toddler who is much loved by my DH and myself and the grandparents. My husband's brother has autism and lives in assisted accommodation. He has trouble regulating his emotions and sometimes has aggressive outburst and once was even in court for threatening a staff member (where he lives) with a knife. My DH previously described him as a "creepy uncle" of the family and his cousin mentioned that his teenage daughters feel uncomfortable around him. I mentioned to my DH previously that I would not feel comfortable with his parents babysitting alone if his brother was around. Although they are lovely people they are in their 70s and 80s and they could not protect our DC if the uncle had an aggressive outburst. My DH agreed and said we'll just tell them that.
However last weekend we were visiting the grandparents and MIL mentioned that the uncle (DH's brother) is staying with them next week as some work is being done on his accommodation and whether it is okay they bring him to come babysitting (the babysitting has been scheduled for a couple of weeks, it is not a regular occurrence). I sad "I'm not so sure about it" and looked at my DH hopping he'll explain, but he just said "yes, that should be fine". I was really upset about this and when we were alone reminded him about our previous agreement (he said he forgot) and he said that he'll talk to MIL. After talking to her he said she was very disappointed and DH was very sad and told me he feels torn and like he's betraying his mum and brother. I obviously don't want him to be sad, but what should I do?

“I’m sorry you’re sad, we are too. We love Dave but we’ve decided it’s just too u fair to expect you to manage should the change in routine result in a violent outburst. We’re happy to go to the park all together if he wants some time with the baby, but let’s leave babysitting until you’re on your own and can relax.”

You put your child's safety and security first.
We had this with my niece when my youngest were tiny. Even my sister agreed with us and we never ever left the littles alone with neice.
Even then, with the whole family on alert so to speak, there were a couple of incidents (a push down the stairs, and a literal drop kick up the garden) when they were injured by my neice. It's nigh on impossible to prevent except by them not being in the same space. More so with an adult, elderly GPs and small children.
It's not worth the risk.

I am afraid that I have to agree with you and the others, and I am a Grandmother myself. Thank goodness that your MiL did actually ask you beforehand, it would have been so much worse if you didn't find out until afterwards.

Sorry but we’re not confident dd would be safe with him around because of his previous actions.

Remind your dh of why he agreed with this before

Just cancel your outing?

It's a shame that your MIL might be upset, but that's just the way it has to be, doesn't it? I would never allow that uncle around my child unless he were heavily supervised. No further discussion on the matter would be entertained. Your MIL will simply have to get over it and you will have to arrange alternative childcare.

Thank you, we did cancel babysitting. The problem is that my husband is upset and feels like he's betraying his mum and his brother. I think this is very much a safety issue, but he (my husband) is still very sad about it.

The problem is that my husband is upset and feels like he's betraying his mum and his brother.

That's very unfortunate, and it's awful he feels this way. However, like your MIL, he will have to deal with the uncomfortable feelings and work through it. You do not gamble with the safety of your child to pander to other people's feelings. Ever. The right decision isn't always the most popular one. Your BIL has proven himself to be dangerous, unpredictable, and violent. There is no debate to be had here.

Am I the only one to feel a bit concerned at the description of your brother in law as a ‘creepy uncle’ with no other context than the fact that he has autism and experiences episodes of challenging behaviour? The fact you don’t even refer to him as your brother in law speaks volumes.
It’s almost like you don’t see him as family.

As a mother you are perfectly entitled to take steps to keep your daughter safe from harm and what you are doing is sensible but I feel sad at the way your brother in law is portrayed in the wider family.

You wouldn't have a Difficult Uncle situation if your DH wasn't such a two-faced, lying wet blanket.

After talking to her he said she was very disappointed and DH was very sad and told me he feels torn and like he's betraying his mum and brother.

He needs to grow the fuck up.
Telling his mum & brother that brother cannot be trusted around your child is not a betrayal. It is an acknowledgement of a sad & awkward fact.

He is not betraying his mum & brother.
He is betraying his toddler & wife.

He seems to blow in the wind, & just wants to tell the person he's currently talking to what he thinks they want to hear. So he tells you he agrees, then instantly reneges on that agreement the moment his mum raises the question.

He's not being much of a father right now, is he? Have you put that to him?

Yeah and your husband has made it look like it's just you that feels like this, and made you look like the bad guy. He needs to make it clear that you are a team and a united front, on this issue and in general. I'd be very cross with him, I don't think he forgot.

This is how my DH described him, not me. The reason is that he gets touchy with children (cousins in the family), and they find it uncomfortable.

@mrschocolatte

Am I the only one to feel a bit concerned at the description of your brother in law as a ‘creepy uncle’ with no other context than the fact that he has autism and experiences episodes of challenging behaviour? The fact you don’t even refer to him as your brother in law speaks volumes. It’s almost like you don’t see him as family.

As a mother you are perfectly entitled to take steps to keep your daughter safe from harm and what you are doing is sensible but I feel sad at the way your brother in law is portrayed in the wider family.

I hope so, because there is plenty of context. I can't understand why you think there is "no other context" when it's right there in the initial post:

His own brother named him Creepy Uncle, not OP.
His cousin's teenage daughters are uncomfortable around him.
He has trouble regulating emotion, & has aggressive outbursts.
He has been in court for threatening someone with a knife.
DH feels his parents are not robust enough to restrain/reason with him if he kicked off with their kids in their sole care.

That's bugger all to do with autism, & everything to do with the fact that he cannot be left alone with OP's kids when the grandparents are childminding.

@miltonj

Yeah and your husband has made it look like it's just you that feels like this, and made you look like the bad guy. He needs to make it clear that you are a team and a united front, on this issue and in general. I'd be very cross with him, I don't think he forgot.

Quite so @miltonj.

What parent "forgets" that they have agreed with their spouse that a potentially dangerous relative is not allowed to be around their kids unless under their own supervision?

He threw OP under a bus.
I think it's despicable to call your own brother "Creepy Uncle" - agree with your wife's concerns that he can't be allowed around the children when they are in care of the GP's - & then "forget" all that to save face while throwing your wife under the bus.

We had a very very similar situation. In the end I told the grandparents that I was sorry, we love uncle X, but we had to prioritise the safety of our DC. They knew themselves that they couldn't do anything if he became violent. Firstly you need to speak to your DH, you'll need a united front on this. I have to be honest, we did upset a couple of family members with our decision but mostly people understood.

Tell him to look at it this way

Can I deal with upsetting my Mum/feeling like I am betraying my brother in order to keep my child out of harms way?

Can I live with my child being injured or hurt because I didn't want to hurt my Mum/feel like I betrayed my brother?

I know what I would choose.

Pay for a babysitter going forward as next time they may not tell you he’s around.
Your husband is going to have to get over it - he can feel the emotions and let them pass. He will be ok.

Your husband has properly fucked this up. You had a very sensible agreement in place but at the first sign of the issue raising its head, he's chucked you under the bus and made you the bad guy. Instead of doing the right thing and prioritising the safety of his DC, he's made it look like he's totally happy for his brother to babysit and it's just you that has the problem. As well as the obvious risk of this causing friction between you and your in-laws, the fact that they think your husband approves of his brother having this kind of contact with the DC which will reinforce to them the illusion that it's perfectly safe and not a problem. What a spineless, disloyal arsehole. I'd be fuming.

Your DH may well feel conflicted, sad, disappointed, uncomfortable, and I imagine a million other things. That's the nature of these kind of issues in a family. Of course it's sad. Of course everyone wishes it were different. But he's a father FGS! He has to put his own emotions aside and act in the safety of his children. He shouldn't need reminding of this, but I would be reminding him very sharply. What a knob.

My brother is austistic and it does unfortunately result in some very challenging behaviour. I love him very much but I would never leave him alone with my pets or my children. It's sad but as PP have said, your child's safety comes first.

Your DH is probably just feeling this way because his Mum is upset.

Your child’s safety is a priority beyond anyone’s hurt feelings. I really like the PPs post about saying how you’re really sorry too but reinforce your boundaries. No one gets to guilt you into compromising your child’s safety, especially after the incident with the knife and other children feeling uncomfortable around him.

I'm sorry but surely your main priority as a parent is the safety of your child? Not, never hurting people's feelings! If his outbursts can be violent then hell no!

Your husband is out of order, he should be supporting you. He didn't forget, he just didn't want to.be the bad guy, saying it.

It's a complete no win situation sad but it is what it is. move on

Tough situation. I have a son with ASD and he has some school friends with some very challenging behaviours so I do understand your MIL’s disappointment. But disappointment or not, she is still wrong in her expectation that your DD will be put in a vulnerable situation to ease her emotions. Your DH needs to start understanding that it is ok for his mother to be upset when she has unrealistic expectations around his daughter’s safety. It won’t be the last time.

@Jane032

Thank you, we did cancel babysitting. The problem is that my husband is upset and feels like he's betraying his mum and his brother. I think this is very much a safety issue, but he (my husband) is still very sad about it.

I wonder if your husband has acknowledged that he has a right to feel sad and to mourn what he doesn’t have.

To acknowledge that he has probably felt sad his entire life, and that this is totally reasonable.

He is mourning the sibling relationship he would have wished for, and now it is for the relationship he wishes his brother could have with his children. Also recognising his mum has probably always been sad about what his brother has missed out on, and this is just another thing to mourn. That he can’t be an involved uncle.

BUT none of this is your DHs fault. He is a victim of circumstance the same as everyone in the family. He cannot fix his brother so his mum is not sad. He cannot put his child in a potentially dangerous situation. He has to simply work through his grief and sadness the same as his mum will have to. With you there for support.

And then perhaps work out a way, another time, for his brother to have a relationship with your DC, in a way that is safe.