…to expect him to pull his weight more

[eeek88]

We have a 7 month old. DP was amazing with him for the first 6 months but in the last month his work exploded and I’m struggling, I think we both are.

He leaves the house at 6:45 and often isn’t back until 8 or even later, generally 7 days a week - thank god not for much longer (seasonal work, not always this busy). It’s really difficult to cook a nice meal at the same time as doing bedtime and baby supper so if I’m cooking I often need to dump him with the baby as soon as he walks in. It’s that or eat shit. I think he’d rather eat shit tbh.

He’s become really critical of everything I do which is I think because he’s tired but it’s getting pretty tedious. If I ask him to do something really minor like pick up some nappies on the way home (he drives directly past numerous shops whereas it’s a half-hour round trip for me to drive to one) he won’t do it because he’s muddy or some other crap excuse.

He’s been sleeping in another room (out of earshot) since his work got really busy because our baby is sleeping really badly atm and it makes sense for me to deal with that so he can get some sleep, but then he chooses to go to bed stupidly late and doesn’t believe me when I tell him I’ve spent half the night trying to get the baby back to sleep and am therefore exhausted.

I think he thinks I just chill all day with the baby doing nothing but I have work too (I work freelance from home)! It’s just that I do it at the same time as looking after the baby in 30-60 min bursts which is not exactly relaxing.

We also run a farm together and I’m having to do almost everything with that atm, again with baby in tow, because it’s dark when he gets home. I had a c section and I’m still not ‘right’ so I find the farm quite physically taxing even though at this time of year there’s not a lot to do other than push a pram up extremely steep hills checking nothing is dying, and take a 10kg bag of food to some calves. All in all it takes about an hour and I usually feel like my vagina is caving in by the end.

I do all the shopping, laundry, baby appointments, pet stuff, 80% of the cooking, 80% of the cleaning and when his friends invite themselves over I have to feed them too and clean up after them.

YABU the man goes to work so of course he shouldn’t be expected to do anything else
YANBU everyone just needs a good night’s sleep / sounds like op works too / LTB (delete as applicable)

Your me working freelance. Youre working on a farm. And your looking after the baby 100% of the time. He is unbelievably selfish to think youre doing nothing.

Wtf are you doing cooking for his friends? Stop that immediately.

You need to discuss how you are going to find and pay for outside help since he has decided not to be helpful at all.

They turn up at supper time looking hungry and I’d rather hide in the kitchen cooking than have to do the lion’s share of entertaining the boring fuckers but yes this is stopping as of today.

Stop carrying the heavy stuff around; you could really injure yourself and definitely stop cooking for his friends. He sounds very inconsiderate. Can you hire someone to help on the farm if that’s needed?

You're running a farm, freelancing and looking after a baby. And he's working 12 hours a day, seven days a week. It's utterly unsustainable. For either of you. There's no capacity at all for anything but work. You need to change how you live.

And tell his friends to fuck off.

You need to stop the heavy lifting straight away, he can feed the calves early morning surely? Or at least take the bag up there so you can do it in the day.

Would it be easier to have baby in a carrier than push a pram uphill?

Get a cleaner short term whilst he’s doing 7 days.

Streamline your meals. Can you stick basic casseroles and whatnot in a slow cooker in the morning so you’re not tied to the oven in the evening?

Sounds daft, but don’t use wardrobes. Wear 2/3 different outfits that cycle between washer and airer/dryer so you’re not constantly putting washing away or looking at a full basket. No ironing.

I know this isn’t the point but Have you seen a doctor about not feeling right?
Once his work calms down can you leave him with the baby for a day and go out so he can see what it’s really like? Although regardless he should be pulling his weight; my DH worked very long hours when DD was a baby but at the weekends he’d do what he could.
With the dinner thing I found preparing it earlier in the day or cooking it to reheat it in the evenings made it all less stressful

After reading the start of your post I was going to tell you to cut him some slack due to work. However after reading you're also freelancing AND looking after a farm AND doing all the night wakings, child rearing AND housework - I'd tell him to pull his socks up!

Firstly can you look into paying someone to do the animal feeds and check round in an evening, get a youngster in for an hour? I'd also look at a cleaner or someone to come in for a few hours a week to clean the house. That means you only concentrate on tidying rather than cleaning. If you can afford it I'd also look at childcare for a few hours a day where you can get some work done. This way you can also grab some sleep whilst the baby sleeps. And stop cooking for his mates. Go upstairs rather than entertaining, his mates, he can cook and entertain them. If he asks you tell him you can't as you're looking after the baby.

You're dh might be putting the hours in, but you're working 24x7 365 atm