So a few things really! Hopefully this post won’t be all over the place. I have a few points to make in regards to my marriage. I am just wondering if any of this is normal and maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing…..I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 young children.
My husband is self employed taxi driver-he earns around 2400 a month. However this can be flexible just depends how much he works. I work full time too however currently on maternity leave and earn around 1100 at the minute prior to this I was earning 1800. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being unsupportive of him?
Finances:
I was paying for majority of direct debits Council tax, broadband/telephone line, energy bills, contributed to rent whenever asked, pay for food shopping, kids new clothes & shoes, kids school dinner, hobbies. FYI we don’t have to pay rent anymore as we have now bought the property. I have my own car that I pay for too. Have paid or contributed massively to holidays, spending money.
My main point about finances is that he never seems to have any spare money.
Whenever we go out whether it’s just us two or the kids I nearly always pay for whatever we’re doing.
Anytime any bills or costs come out of the blue he contacts me it’s never face to face mainly through text to say he can’t pay xyz and then I step up and pay. This has been going on for years. He never seems to have spare money. I have saved money myself. But I have been unable to save amounts I could have due to him not managing his finances very well. I rescue him each and every time. I have literally never asked him for money apart from once when I had enough and said you have never bought me anything I would like a nice coat I have seen and he bought it me after a long while. It would be pointless anyway as by the next month I would have had to pay for something for him therefore cancelling what money I had asked for anyway.
I have told him many times that he need to know what his ingoings and outgoings are and that it’s good to see visual of where money is going etc. I said to even write it out on something as simple as notes on phone. This is nothing new. Obviously I am aware as a taxi driver you won’t have guaranteed money but if you work had you can get very good pay. He has a man cave in the house. Has his Xbox, all the latest technology and even recently bought the latest Xbox all he it on a buy now pay later scheme which nonetheless needs to be paid eventually. Last year I said this has to change in regards to how much I contribute. Therefore I transferred majority of bills to him which were council tax, energy bills and water bills. Oh yes he has to pay £700 for using his taxi as he rents it and doesn’t own it, I know it’s a huge chunk of his earnings. If I don’t cook he automatically buys takeaway and it’s not even a joke how much he spend on takeaway. He chooses not to learn to cook. This impacts us financially. Tbh even if I do cook, later in day he gets cravings and buys takeaway or dessert.
The plan was what we used to pay in rent we would put in savings. However I have recently found out through letters being sent to our property that he hasn’t paid council tax, energy bills or what bills since I gave him that responsibility AT ALL. He told me the truth as he disclosed to me that he wanted to use the money we use to pay rent with to pay what he owes. This is literally a whole year of not paying the bills I thought he was happily paying. Therefore again instead of saving we are going backwards again! I never asked a penny off him as I thought he was paying all these bills and not to add stress onto him. I told him to set up a payment plan for each overdue bill and pay it that way however he had audacity to say to get the overdue payments over and done with quickly. He obviously knows if he works harder and more hours then he would be in a better place financially. I wouldn’t say he has the best work ethic. Here’s the weirdest part, he told me he has a bit of money saved that his mum has for him in her house but he hasn’t disclosed how much even after asking. She states this is for him to have some money saved as otherwise he would spend it. I have issues with his mum and we barely speak (long story). I recently saw a few text messages he exchanged with his dad on his phone. It was him asking his dad if it would be ok for him to ask for some of his money that his mum has for him. Thats how scared he is of his mum a whole grown man! I have flipped about this and said why isn’t that money in our savings or that I could have kept it for him. He said wanted to use it to pay these bills off to me. He never lets me look at his online banking and tbh I have never seen it. He says this is mainly because he’s ashamed he hasn’t got any money
Hobbies:
He has a million and one hobbies you name it basketball, football, badminton, gym, outings with his friends
He genuinely has many hobbies and says he has to have some sort of hobby to release any frustrations and for mental health. I don’t mind hobbies and don’t want to come across as obsessive however he has an excessive amount and of course each one is costly. The cost is my main point and the amount of time he spends away from the family.
Leaving without telling me:
He’s always said to me not to control him by asking him where’s he’s going and who with etc. He says that’s usually what his mum does or used to do and he feels I’m doing or used to do the same.
He has a bad habit of just leaving the house without telling me where he’s going. He might say bye. I have told him quite a few times can he at least text me or tell me where he’s going mainly for safety just in case anything happens. At the end of the day he’s a married man with kids.
I don’t know I am just bleurgh.
I do majority of childcare too. Do school runs, waking up for kids at night, cooking, cleaning, bathing kids, bedtime he does it here and there. Now I’m not bashing him with everything that needs doing daily for kids and food etc as he’s a taxi driver and can work random hours and shifts. However yes he doesn’t cook, hardly cleans. Trust me I have mentioned plenty of times how overwhelmed i am and that I need help! He might help for a day or two then goes back to his usual ways.
I become a miserable person to him and can be quite rude due to everything above. I try to bite my tongue most of the time and talk politely and seem supportive but it’s hard. I would describe him as kind, very caring towards me and the kids adore him.
Recently though what’s annoyed me the most is he was playing basketball and he happened to twist his ankle therefore damaging ligaments and he now can’t drive or walk as he is in pain. What does this mean? Loss of earnings as he is self employed. Who does shortfall land on? Me! He says isn’t we did me being supportive and saying ohh babe I’m so sorry for you being hurt and helping with his recovery I told him the truth and said ultimately your obsession with your hobbies has cussed this. You playing basketball has caused this. This means you won’t be able to work or even help with kids silly! I think I would be more supportive if this injury happened through work. Last year he broke two bones in his hands through basketball and he couldn’t work for a long while again affecting finances and family life. Am I being unreasonable? Or a horrible wife.
He promised me push presents, I still haven’t got an engagement ring, I have a wedding ring but wanted a engagement ring to go with it. These are all materialistic things and I am not a very materialistic person tbh but who doesn’t love a gift or two here and there!
I know I have rambled on. Seems all over the place but hope I have got my message across. I am no angel and can be short tempered and rude at times but I’m thinking it’s coming from all of this mainly.
Is any of this normal? Am I being horrible to him?