Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To expect DP to know where I am staying

21 replies

Cheeseandlobster · 24/10/2021 22:24

Dp and I have commitments ( not children) which means for the next year or so we can't go away together. He plays a sport professionally which means he is away every 3rd or 4th weekend/ week. I go away either with friends/ family or alone every 3 months or so

The first time I went away alone abroad was last Sept and I went away again solo this September. 2 different countries. Dp doesn't like me going away alone even though for me, its just about reading all day in the sun and eating the local food at night. I have reassured him about this lots of times and I call him at least once a day to check in.

However it has crossed my mind that actually he has shown no interest in where I am going. Last year I went away to the Greek Islands and this year was Spain. He didn't know which island/ area I was travelling to and showed no interest when I tried to tell him as he said I shouldn't be going alone. My thinking was if something awful happened and I went missing, he would have no idea where I was. I ALWAYS show interest in where he goes away. Not for that reason but because I am genuinely interested but I feel sad he won't do that for me. Aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeseandlobster · 25/10/2021 09:55

Well by the votes it looks like ianbu

OP posts:

ladygracie · 25/10/2021 09:57

It is strange that he doesn’t have an interest. Is that part of him showing his disapproval by not even bothering to ask? Or does he think it will stop you going I wonder.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/10/2021 09:57

Yanbu to expect him to take an equal interest in your hobbies and interests as you do with his

Wrt to the security, I'd just leave a note in a pertinent place - flights x time, hotel Y, travel reference number etc. Then if he does consider there has been an emergency he can look at find the info

Does he ask how the trips go on your return?

Polmuggle · 25/10/2021 10:02

Why does he disapprove? It's clearly not fear of your safety if he doesn't want to know details!

WeAllHaveWings · 25/10/2021 10:13

I don't know Spain well enough for the area/region to be interesting/make a difference to our conversation so unlikely I would ask, I would just assume you are going to southern Spain. I don't know the Greek Islands either (never been), so again wouldn't ask which one.

The onus is entirely on the person travelling to leave emergency contact details. When I travel I email dh details, it is unlikely he ever reads it, but it is there if he needs it.

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 25/10/2021 10:20

Does he not approve of you going when you go with friends or family, or just when you go alone?

If it's just when you go alone, it may just be a because he doesn't think it's a good idea so doesn't want to talk about it, but as you obviously want to keep going alone, then rather than finding out lots and lots about it when you know he doesn't think it's a good idea he would rather just let you get on with it?

That aside, when people talk about holidays it usually is the "Spain" "Greece" etc location, rather than specifically towns or areas unless you know the area well it doesn't add much to the topic!

Original poster

Cheeseandlobster · 25/10/2021 10:21

He obviously has my mobile number but he never wants to know anything else. I have written everything down but he has admitted if I hadn't done this he wouldn't have asked either. So if anything happened he would just know I was "somewhere in Spain".

He said he doesn't think it is safe for a woman to travel alone. I have reassured him that I always book hotels in the middle of a town etc so I am always around lots of people etc. When I get back he just asks if I enjoyed myself. That's it

OP posts:

RedCarsGoFaster · 25/10/2021 10:25

I used to travel weekly for work, all over England. Not a chance DH could have told you what city I was in most weeks, let alone which hotel I was in.

When I went to Germany for a week with mates, I emailed him my travel itinerary and travel insurance with copies of passport etc in case everything went bent.

I now just text or WhatsApp him whatever the basic gist of my trip is (drive to Liverpool, staying at the Malmaison, home on Friday afternoon etc) so if he had to find me or there was an emergency, he'd have some info to give the police etc.

But he'd never think to ask for any of that.

WaltzingBetty · 25/10/2021 13:34

@Cheeseandlobster

I think if he was genuinely concerned for your safety he'd be proactive in helping mitigate any issues by ensuring he was a responsible point of contact if you needed help. What if you got ill and were taken to hospital abroad ? What would he do? If he's not willing to engage in that then I'd assume his 'safety concerns' are more just about wanting you to stay at home. You're pretty much as safe in Spain or Greece as you would be here anyway so it's a bit of a non issue

Original poster

Cheeseandlobster · 25/10/2021 14:11

@WaltzingBetty that's it. He has the old fashioned view that it's not the done thing for a woman in a relationship to travel alone. Bugger that though- I love it!! I think it's more the imagined conversation he would have if anything did go wrong

Dp "my partner has gone missing abroad What can I do?"

Police "Let's see what we can do. Where was she?"

Dp "Spain"

Police "What part of Spain? Which hotel"

Dp "I don't know. I never asked"

Police ""

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 25/10/2021 14:12

@Cheeseandlobster

This is a bit cloth eared...

So the man doesn't think little ickle women should travel sólo.

But not so bothered he ensures where you are for any emergencies...

when we're separated, we have mobiles /vague schedule eg which city /hotel we're in plus access to other phone numbers... Such as friends numbers if we're travelling with them etc...

Obviously your DH has never need to get hold of you urgently - or coordinate an emergency response at a distance...

Justmuddlingalong · 25/10/2021 14:15

If he takes no interest in where you are, how can he have the opinion that he doesn't like you being there alone? That makes no sense to me.

Briony123 · 25/10/2021 14:20

Professional sports people can be pretty single minded...

Original poster

Cheeseandlobster · 25/10/2021 14:40

@Justmuddlingalong

If he takes no interest in where you are, how can he have the opinion that he doesn't like you being there alone? That makes no sense to me.

He often doesn't make sense sadly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeseandlobster · 25/10/2021 14:40

@Briony123

Professional sports people can be pretty single minded...

Absolutely this

OP posts:

Feelingoktoday · 25/10/2021 14:43

I find it odd that he goes away every 4th weekend but you still can’t find time to go away together on the other three weekends. Seems like a lack of commitment from both of you to be honest.

Original poster

Cheeseandlobster · 25/10/2021 14:44

@IamtheDevilsAvocado it's very old fashioned isn't it? Last year we could travel together but he didn't want to which is absolutely fair enough, but I did so off I went. He was really annoyed as he didn't think I would actually do it. I said I didn't want to miss out and did he really want me to wait until he decided he wanted to go which might not be for a long time? Life is too short for that

OP posts:

parietal · 25/10/2021 14:46

I travel a lot for work. I don't know if DH knows where I am half the time, beyond seeing in our shared calendar a note saying 'trip to Germany' or similar. If I vanished, he'd have to dive into my emails to find out what i'm up to. but he knows how to do that.

Original poster

Cheeseandlobster · 25/10/2021 14:46

@Feelingoktoday

I find it odd that he goes away every 4th weekend but you still can’t find time to go away together on the other three weekends. Seems like a lack of commitment from both of you to be honest.

It's not time that's the issue We have a very elderly dog who can't be left with people and who gets confused in unfamiliar environments so we can't go together for now. It won't be forever. We used to go away together a lot

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 25/10/2021 14:49

So he's not ready to go away with you, and expects you to not travel alone until he is? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Continue using your passport, OP!

ducksalive · 25/10/2021 15:04

Your DP is being perfectly daft about you not traveling.
That said when DH travels a lot I struggle to remember which country he is in a lot of the time.

Flip