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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To delete dd's Bebo account?

26 replies

mamhaf · 10/12/2007 20:53

I just discovered dd, 11, had set up an account.
Her name (which is unusual), village, hobbies, pictures of her and her friends were on there, plus some comments she'd posted about herself, describing herself as 'sexii'.
She wouldn't know what that meant, and she had set security so that only friends could see it.
But the minimum age for Bebo is supposed to be 13.
Anyway, while she was in the bath, I've deleted the lot as I think it just makes her a potential target for sexual predators.
I'll sit down and talk to her when she's in her pjs about why it's appropriate and why I've deleted the account - but aibu?
(I spoke to one of the other girls' mums who was completely unaware of her dd's account - they must've set them up while at friend's house because our PC is in the hallway and very public).

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 10/12/2007 20:55

Well no you are not being unreasonable

BUT I think it might have been better to get her to delete it. Now she will just have a total hump with you for doing that prob and any constructive discussion will go out of the window due to it all being "so unfair" or similar!

camillathechicken · 10/12/2007 20:55

an 11 year old describing themselves as sexii is in dangerous territory.. they are not emotionally mature enough to start going down that road... playing at being grown up really.. so no, YANBU

camillathechicken · 10/12/2007 20:55

i presume she knows it is spelt sexy ?!

frogs · 10/12/2007 20:56

Yes, i would want this deleted. But would discuss it with her first, explain why, and get her to do it. Then explain to her that you will be checking the histories on her computer usage, set out what your parameters are (no nicknames with inappropriate language is one of the rules in the frogpond), and lay down the consequences if she breaks them. And explain to her why it's risky, and why you feel as you do.

chankins · 10/12/2007 20:57

YANBU I would have done exactly the same as a knee jerk reaction ! Make sure you really discuss it with her, in case she is angry about it.

Curmudgeonlett · 10/12/2007 20:59

I think you've taken the wrong approach personally and agree with CD

Snowmond · 10/12/2007 20:59

Not unreasonable at all. I would do the same.

ChristmasSendsMePsycho · 10/12/2007 21:02

arghhhhhhh.....

delete or change immediately.

my elder two DD's came home from school today with the following letter....

(please ecxuse typo's)

"the police are currently investigation a gentleman contacting young girls on BEBO in this area. it has been bought to their attention that some girls place info on their sites which allow them to be indentified or located, eg school/home/club details.

we have been asked by the police to nitify you so that you can reinforce to your daughter the dangers of posting personla info on these websites indicating their whereabouts and contact details. this leaves young girls vunerable to being traced and puts them at risk of harm. any such info needs removing from their profile urgently.

please check whether your daughter has left details which make her vulnerable to unwanted attention by strangers who target young girls on these sites"

we are in bournemouth, but this must be common across the country!

am getting my DD's to change theirs at the moment!!!!

TheIceQueen · 10/12/2007 21:05

I agree with CD....

CremolaFirCone · 10/12/2007 21:05

YANBU- i regularly check dd(12) computer for such things.They need to know what is acceptable and what is not.do talk to her though

sensiblehead · 10/12/2007 21:06

I think you deleting it is not great - it seems a little bit like reading diaries etc, however, there is an age limit for a reason, clearly it is not well policed as your dd slipped through the net which would make me worry how well anything else is policed on there.

I would make her delete it, however it would appear to be too late for that now. Perhaps you can explain to ehr you were so worried by what she had done you felt you had to delete it straight away to stop anymore people seeing it? Or, explain you shouldn't have done that but that you had a bit of a panic but now want to talk to her?

The reason I am a bit worried about her reaction is that, at 11, she may take it as an invasion of her privicy etc etc.

Anyway, in short no she hould not have the account, how youhandle that is a different thing though!

poppy34 · 10/12/2007 21:07

psycho is right - my mother is a secondary school teacher and I know that they had police involved earlier this year when some girls of about 13/14 were posing in saucy school uniform type shots and putting stuff on bebo for general access.. And this was in London..

YANBU - just as well you're sharp eyed and vigilant.

madamez · 10/12/2007 21:09

YANBU to have a problem with her putting such information on line, but deleting it without even talking to her first is heavy-handed and will probably not help you to have a constructive discussion with her about it. SHe is also going to feel that you have no respect for her privacy or feelings, so she's going to be less likely to trust you.
You're not wrong to be anxious or to want to set rules for safe net use, etc, and she is only 11 and needs guidance, but it's really, really important that you don't make her feel spied on or patronized or treated like a naughty child - 11 in an age where you start having inflated ideas of your own dignity etc.

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 21:10

YANBU I would put up with months of it's so unfair and strops to keep mydd's safe, at 4 and 20mths not a worry yet but already preying on my mind. You do the right thing keeping the computer public, I wouldn't be to graphic in explaination as don't want to frighten her too much.

sensiblehead · 10/12/2007 21:10

Psycho, I would like a copy of that - there are certain little girls I know who refuse to elieve there is any risk with Bebo regardless of anything they are told to the contrary. I htink it would do them good to see that there are real problems affecting real girls thier age.

I wonder if they would believe me if I just copied and pasted from here

ChristmasSendsMePsycho · 10/12/2007 21:14

I actually had no idea that the minimum age was 13yo.

my elder two DD's are 13 and 11 and have had their account for a while each.

mind you, I am not getting them to delete, just change all the info and am checking them myself. having said that, the school have really gone to town on telling them the dangers so I am not having to point it out, they are now aware and it isn't just mummy being the evil dragon

ChristmasSendsMePsycho · 10/12/2007 21:18

sensiblehead....will try and see if i can access the school wbsite and do a copy and paste of the official letter if you like. Not sure if I can tho, so will get back asap

Original poster
mamhaf · 10/12/2007 21:20

Thanks. I have just spoken to her..actually, I wonder if she somehow wanted me to find it and do something - she used the email address which comes into our joint inbox, so I was bound to have seen any emails.

She's not thrilled, obviously, but I had been expecting more of a reaction...I pointed out I'm the adult and sometimes parents need to do things which their children think are unfair, but it's to keep them safe.

We had a similar situation when she wanted an MSN account - I agreed, but only on condition that I would monitor the messages from time-to-time - suddenly the urge to have an account went away.

She can use her school email account, which I can't access (and neither can sexual predators) if she wants to communicate with friends - but I know that's not the same as online social networking - which, at 11, she is to young for imo.

OP posts:
ChristmasSendsMePsycho · 10/12/2007 21:32

argh......tis not on there.....am guessing cos it is an emergency one rather than 'official' IYGWIM.

will try and think of another way if I can.

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 10/12/2007 21:38

Personally, I dont think I would have made DD delete it. You may think she is being reasonable, but it could cause it to go 'underground' iyswim. At least if you know it's there it can be monitored. Same goes for MSN.

I would have got her to change it so she is unrecognisable, ie a nickname rather than her own name (like us on here), no clues as to where she lives, and any pictures in private albums viewable only by her friends, I assume you can have it like myspace?so that people can only add you if they know your full name or email address???

There is an age limit for a reason, but if done properly, these things can be harmless and you get to look like the super reasonable adult that is always going to understand and is just concerned for her safety. Once she gets to school and her and her friends talk you can almost guarantee you'll be the nosey interfering parents that never let them do anything

MotherFunk · 10/12/2007 21:52

Message withdrawn

FlamesparodyOfAChristmasName · 10/12/2007 21:55

I agree - changing it and monitoring woul dhave been better than deleting

FlamesparodyOfAChristmasName · 10/12/2007 21:55

(me with all my wisdom having a 4 yr old...)

sensiblehead · 10/12/2007 22:33

Thanks for that Psycho, don't worry if you can't find it, I may just show them this thread (or bits of it!) so they can see that it is not just me (and every other adult they know ) saying this!

Magicmayhem · 11/12/2007 16:03

My DD is 11 and has a bebo... we opened it with her last week... we read it daily, its set so only her friends can see it.. and her dad helps her get music and video's up..
If its private and monitered I can't see the problem..
I swear to god you will find out more about her friends and what she's up too if you keep it...
could you not moniter (sp) it...