to want dh to keep what I think are homophobic views to himself?

[joyfulspike]

dh and I were brought up very religious, went to church and were indoctrined (if that's the right word) that gay people are evil, will burn in hell, etc etc - I'm sure you all know how it goes. Hearing this from a young age and both having hating parents we both grew up to have these views and thought they were 'normal' (not excusing it, just background). Since before getting married, I have questioned this and came away from the church and reevaluated my views and am more accepting (that isn't meant to be as patronising as it sounds). Although dh has also come away from the church he's still religious and still makes what I consider to be homophobic comments. I've tried to challenge these views and have been met with its his pov and he's entitled to it, freedom of speech and all that. dh isn't quite so obvious now, but every so often he doesn't restrain himself and says things which disgust me. I don't want ds to pick his views up. I'm not trying to say my views are better than dh's, but I don't want ds to grow up thinking being gay is 'wrong' and all that bollocks ifswim? So I've asked dh to keep views to himself and ended up in a HUGE row. He says that my view is I'm right, he's wrong, so he can't share his views and that I'm wrong for dening him the right to speek freely and pass on his pov. I hope that makes sense? Anyway, I have no idea what to do, AIBU? Should I wait a few years before I try and tackle it again? Sorry for length of post. Any suggestions?

DH grew up in a very Christian family and homophobic society/country - as a result when we first moved to the UK anything which even vaguely resembled something to do with homosexuals was totally unacceptable to him. Any hint of a homosexual relationship in a TV programme/movie he'd change the channel, and was totally unacceptingly of it. Even homosexual TV stars he was "suspicious" of

Now - nearly 8yrs later on - he still gets a little uncomfortable with it - but we've watched a few movies recently where there have been same sex kisses etc - and while he does occasionly let out a "oooo noooo" - there's no desperate channel changing. And while I don't think he'll ever be totally accepting of it (and I dread to think what would happen if one of our DS's turns out to be gay!) he's a lot more tolerant - and keeps more of his views to himself now...

Perhaps another 8yrs and he'll have moved even further on.

I suppose the real question here is - how accepting/liberal do you want your dc to be? I think so long as they hear both POV's then you can't do much else. They will hear all sorts out there, and will have to make up their own minds. My own ds2 told me the other day 'that man is gay, because he has a pink bag.' I did tell him that even if he is, then it's no concern of ours, and not a problme to anyone, but ds2 hears it as an insult in school. You can't do anything about that.

I think it would not be unreasonable to ask him to explain his views, and your children to make up their own minds. Unreasonable to ask him to keep quiet.

My dh hasn't got the excuse of religion but still sprouts out crap on a regular basis and not just about homosexuals, he includes most races, most religions, fat people, tall people, small people, ugly people, girls with big breasts, girls with little breasts - the list goes on. He can be quite amusing but mainly irritating - I am constantly having a go. YANBU

My FIL has homophobic views (tough ex-miner and has a long list of anti beliefs) and he passes comment if someone who is openly gay is on TV. However, his son, my dh, does not share his vp, tolerates it/jokes/finds him archaic. I could cite similar examples from my religious side of the family too.

But your dh has to be allowed to say what he thinks, especially in the confines of his home, you can't police his thoughts and words for him. In fact his vp could be made more entrenched by telling him he is not allowed. It is more likely that your ds, especially influenced by you, his peers and modern culture, will be the one to teach your dh a thing or two.

I wouldn't worry.

YANBU to expect him to keep his views to himself in front of your DC. But I agree with a previous poster that as long as you counteract his with your views and balance it out, then your DC should be able to make his own decision. I do think it's a generation thing and society's view of being gay is getting a lot better - in my small town in the Lakes, a sixth-former is OUT and I think that's great that it appears to be acceptable now in his age group. And you might find that your DC will be more influenced by his peers anyway.

how would he feel if one of your DCs were gay? It may be something he'd have to think about

Oh blimey yes I get the 'freedom of speech' thing from my DH. Except in his case its when I express irritation at him using the word 'christian' as a swearword.

The only way I would approach it would be as if you wwere a multi faith family - like mine. I am jewish, dh is Christian. So we use 'some popel believe that...' or 'Mummy believes xyz as she is jewish', 'but daddy believes abc as he is christian'

Therefore I would put both opinions forward BUT if you can d this is a non-agressive way. eg Daddy doesn't believe homosexuality is OK, but Mummy believes it is sort of way.

I know I am not explaining myself well, but I would suggest you ask your dh from making the insulting type 'gay is revolting, abnormal, unatural etc' and try to suggest that HE feels it is not right, but others don't mind IYKWIM.

Now if I have insulted anyone sorry

I'm gay so it's obvious that I wouldn't be giving your dp's views house room within my own home. However, he is who he is, and it is unlikely that you will get him to agree to keep schtum about his views.

Could you take a different tack? Accept his right to see homosexuality as immoral and explain that to your children, but agree that it is not appropriate for your children to be taught that it is ok to express hatred or insults to any other individual, regardless of their sexual orientation, race, gender etc? After all, your religion does not endorse hating the sinner, does it? It doesn't endorse being rude or aggressive to people? It doesn't want your children to get in trouble at school because they have been taught at home that it is ok to indulge in hate speak? It doesn't want my dd to be bullied by your children because of what their dad has taught them? Try to get him to see that what he wants is for your children to be raised according to the values of his faith, not for them to be unable to deal with gay people - which they will have to do, at some point.

By the way, warm congratulations to you on your own journey with this one - I'm sorry if that sounds patronising, but you sound like a lovely, thoughtful woman.

Hester and Crunchie have given some very good suggestions. I, too, think your dh should be made to differentiate between his views on homosexuality (which he has a right to) and bullying language (which noone has a right to). Point out to him that he would not want his ds's non-Christian friends to use bullying language about your religion and that he would the first to complain. Remind him that it is the teachers' duty to clamp down on any bullying, regardless of who does it, and that if his son repeats some of his sayings in school, they will have to deal with him.
As another one living in a mixed-faith family (Christian- non-believer), I have found the "mummy believes"- approach very helpful. It helps me to express myself without my dh feeling I am indoctrinating the children and vice versa.

really agree with Hester, Crunchie and Cory. negotiate a deal with dh whereby you preface everything with "I/some people believe that...." and where hatred - which has no part in Christianity, surely, is omitted. You can also distinguish belief from facts. If you use this approach I genuinely believe that you will have the more persuasive arguments - plenty of facts you can point to indicating the direction in which society, on balance, is heading on this issue - compare, for example, the imprisonment of Oscar Wilde - unthinkable - and unlawful - today (well, in the UK, unfortunately still not everywhere) with todays' uk where we have civil partnerships. How big a change is that? You can allow dh his pov and simultaneously chip away at it - you are, after all, right .

Agree with hester and cory. My dh is absolutely lovely to gay friends, and wouldn't dream of being rude to them because of their orientation.

He has quite a visceral reaction to overt displays of affection on telly, and yes, it is worse if it's a homosexual display - but it's just a change-the-channel thing.

I think he's entitled to his views, opinions and reactions, but we both agree that he isn't entitled to be nasty to people.

Thank you all for your posts, I was starting to think I'd turned into Big Brother (the Orwell one, not the Channel 4 one). Will def give your suggestions a try. Thanks again

Good luck, joyfulspike. Let us know how it goes.

Juat adding my vote- YANBU