To think it's not nice/ normal for grandparents to not acknowledge their grandchild's birthday?

[mummabubs]

Appreciate I might be reacting a little sensitivly to this. Relevant back points are that I'm delightfully hormonal after recent birth of DC2. There's also an existing theme of me feeling like my in-laws treat our nieces (SiL's children) more favourably to our two DCs.

So, DC1 turned five this weekend. Old enough to know what their birthday is, get excited etc. "Big day" arrives... Nothing from DH's family at all. No card, present, message, phone call, nada. After DCs bedtime I got a message from SiL indicating that they'd got DC1 a present but will give it to him when we see them next (at another child's party in 2 weeks time). Didn't actually say happy birthday or anything. Nothing at all from either of DH's parents. I told DH at the end of the day I felt a bit disappointed with his family's complete lack of effort or acknowledgement.

DH's perspective - His family just do things differently and as we're seeing them in 2 weeks time anyway they'd just assume we'd be OK with waiting for gift etc. They show love and their relationships work in different ways to my family and it's just that I'm not used to it.

My perspective - I agree with the latter part entirely, and it's ok that they do things differently. However... I think where a child is involved it's more of a thing to make the effort to wish them a happy birthday on the day. I mean, sending a text or calling to speak to DC1 would have been so quick and easy. I feel like this isn't a case of showing care in different ways as opposed to not showing care at all. The big stickler for me is that this isn't how our nieces are treated at all. In fact, this year MiL made their birthday cakes (as she always does), spent the day with them, held them their own party just for them at her house and posted about all of this on social media repeatedly. DH still doesn't buy that his sister's children are favoured over our own. I beg to differ.

For what it's worth I'm angry on behalf of my DC and worry that as they get older they'll pick up on it, but ultimately it's my in-laws' behaviours and choices that mean our DCs won't feel as close to them.

So... AIBU to think they could have at least called and spoken to DC1/ acknowledged the day?

Urgh, sorry. I did put paragraphs in but the android chrome version has helpfully deleted them! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Only one of my kids grandparents ever acknowledges their birthdays. The others can’t be arsed so it seems, so weird. When the kids were younger I’d try to initiate contact and end up making excuses for THEIR bad behaviour. As the kids have grown up they realise that at least they have one nice grandma and the others are just missing out.

YANBU and your DH is in denial about this. How his family operates is not just a bit different, it's showing favouritism.

That being said, I think he was probably on the receiving end of it himself as a child and growing up, so it's his 'normal'. I would do absolutely fuck all for his family after this for Xmas, birthdays etc. Let him do it if he wants to (he won't). You'd be better off spending money on a bit of talking therapy for your DH.

(My long-term DP's mother does favouritism and it's pathetic. We just detach.)

I'm sorry that's been your experience @BigYellowHat. It's infuriating, but as you say ultimately it's them that miss out. I'm trying to tell myself that and not let it annoy me as much as it is.

@BigYellowHat

Only one of my kids grandparents ever acknowledges their birthdays. The others can’t be arsed so it seems, so weird. When the kids were younger I’d try to initiate contact and end up making excuses for THEIR bad behaviour. As the kids have grown up they realise that at least they have one nice grandma and the others are just missing out.

That reminds me of Friday Night Dinner where 'the boys' have Nice Grandma and Horrible Grandma.

These family situations really are starkly comical and tragic at the same time - yet pretty common.

@SpindelWhorl You're surprisingly spot on 😉 in that I do all the gift organising and buying for DH's family because he simply doesn't do it or leaves it painfully to the last minute and then gets something thoughtless. Every Christmas I say I'm not doing it all again as I find it really stressful, but then equally I find it so mortifying when DH then doesn't do anything. That's probably my issue and actually DH is right. I still don't think his family showed any love or care on DS's birthday.

Haha at Nice/Horrible Grandma 👵 It makes me feel so sad when I read stories like yours because I can relate to it and I know there’s so many other people on here having the exact same thing.

Did you invite the in laws to visit on your child's birthday? Maybe your sil always invites them, that's why they get the gifts etc on the actual day.

My kids dad's family never acknowledges they even exist, let alone birthdays. They don't believe DD is her dad's child. Ex accepts she is his.
But they even ignore the DSs who they acknowledge as being his sons.
My kids don't care. They don't know that side of the family and just think they only have my side.

My kids have Nanny and Chavvy Nanny

Ex pil don't bother with our dc. Saw them 8 years ago. My df doesn't either. I even told my df this year how much it hurts that he doesn't bother with my dc and one of my dc's birthday came and went without so much of a card

Some people just don't care op. And it's hard to accept. I hope your dc had a lovely birthday

@Nettytree We didn't as we're a little bit of a drive away and also weren't inviting anyone over. In previous years MiL would make comments about how terrible it was that we don't live down the road from them, but they literally make no effort to contact us at all, we can go weeks and weeks without any contact. My family actually live further away but we message and facetime several times a week so feel very connected to eachothers lives. It's initiated on both sides.

Thats really sad. I can understand why you're upset. You're not being overly sensitive. It should be totally natural for grandparents to spend time with their grandchildren on their bday! Weird that they didn't, I would be very upset too. I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue and would tell them why i was upset. Very strange! I cannot wait to be a grandparent and spoil them!!

@iolaus

My kids have Nanny and Chavvy Nanny

I think we need to hear more about Chavvy Nanny please!😁

* YANBU and your DH is in denial about this. How his family operates is not just a bit different, it's showing favouritism.*

^This.

Just to clarify we didn't expect to spend time with them on the day (and to be honest I think SiL facilitates this more for her kids as opposed to wanting it herself). I do fully accept that us not being local plays a part in spending the day with them but it's easy/ cheap enough to send a card and a present in the post and then call or even send me a text on the day. I've always said to them that proximity doesn't have to dictate the quality of relationship. It feels like they're game for a relationship as long as it's convenient / little effort on their part and when it suits them. I stopped sending pics of DC2 to them after they went ignored, so I am changing some of my own behaviours and expectations already.

Chavvy nanny, love it 😂

My late Mil was scrupulously fair with gifts and cards including all us inlaws but she was very unequal with her time.
One occasion I have never forgotten is when she was telling us about taking our niece to the coast and baking with her and my 6year old dd asking me afterwards why she didn't get to go. I just waffled about dn being a bit older but I was hurt for her.
It was the only time i'm aware of that she did something like this so I let it go but in your position op I wouldn't be making any effort.

Yanbu. Is sad that the grandparents don't make any effort and I can see why it upsets you. I doubt it will ever change as my PIL are similar and it has never got any better over the years. They tend to ask us when childrens birthdays are as never remember, then don't bother to call or text to wish the grandchildren a happy Birthday on the day. After one birthday we got a pointed message to say my child had failed to thank them for their present, I felt like replying perhaps if you had called them or sent them a message on their birthday they may have thanked you for the pressie. For what it's worth the PIL had physically handed the child the present a few weeks before their birthday and told them at the time what it was. And child had immediately thanked them for, it so I was really unsure of need for more thanks when they couldn't be bothered to phone or text a happy birthday on the day.

My mother in law favours my son over my daughter but she’s fairly useless with my son so it’s useless and fairly useless. My dad hasn’t even met my daughter; she’s 12. He’s absolutely useless. It’s sad isn’t it!