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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp this morning

27 replies

Namechangeciyciycyiyt · 24/10/2021 11:56

We decided to go into town. Dressed to go out including two small DC with their coats and shoes on, about to get in the car when dp suddenly announces he will go in his car to give it a run (a two seater he uses for work).

Not ok with that as parking in town is awful, was only going to deal with it on a busy weekend as I thought he'd be there to help with DC and buggy and that we were getting some fresh air and a little walk all together.

Reason we were going to town was to buy something for him. He wasn't even up for getting a coffee.

Since it was about his car getting a run I suggested he take it out later. He insisted he wanted to do both.

So, was he unreasonable by landing that on me last minute (stress re parking and kids) or was IBU to suggest he was being stubborn and selfish and inconsiderate?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/10/2021 12:02

Well surely you can both park up and he can then walk to you and give you a hand with the buggy.

Sparklfairy · 24/10/2021 12:05

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Well surely you can both park up and he can then walk to you and give you a hand with the buggy.
Depends. If parking is as bad as in my city they'll end up parking miles away from each other at opposite ends of it Grin

He's being blinkered about what he wants to do. Something in town for him, no coffee, bring his car etc. Is he always like this?

Taoneusa · 24/10/2021 12:06

He didn’t have his Family Man hat on.

icedcoffees · 24/10/2021 12:07

He's being a bit silly.

I would let him get on with it and take the kids to the park or something instead.

Alwayswantedasmegf · 24/10/2021 12:08

I would of let him go alone OP. You should have gone for your coffee with the kids.

Macaroni46 · 24/10/2021 12:08

Are you both insured on both cars? If so, you take his car 'for a run' and he can take yours plus the DC.

Branleuse · 24/10/2021 12:11

i would then just not go with him. Hes being weird. He would have to take one of the kids though if he had a spare seat

VexedofVirginiaWater · 24/10/2021 12:15

I would be inclined to let him go to town for his thing on his own and take the kids to the park as going into town shopping for something for him isn't likely to interest them. Then of course he wants to take his car for a run later too, so, he should then do something with the kids later or next weekend to repay the favour for all this nice time on his own.

He is being selfish though. My ex was like this when we were young but somehow I couldn't put it into words and he got away with it.

Original poster
Namechangeciyciycyiyt · 24/10/2021 12:16

@Branleuse that's a great idea haha
@macaroni46 hmm it would mean me remembering how to drive manual and it's been a while!

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 24/10/2021 12:17

I’d have said- fine- you take DC, I’ll take the two seater. Meet you there.

MrsRobbieHart · 24/10/2021 12:18

Is there any chance he’s trying to sneak off somewhere he shouldn’t be going?

CyclingIsNotOuting · 24/10/2021 12:19

Sounds like he wanted to go alone.

If the kids were ready to go, I think I’d have done as @icedcoffees
says and headed to a playground that has a cafe nearby. Unless he has form for opting out at the weekend.

Original poster
Namechangeciyciycyiyt · 24/10/2021 12:26

Yes he does have form for opting out unfortunately plus the thought of being at the park among the families while I'm on my own was a bit too depressing this week.

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 24/10/2021 12:28

Yes he does have form for opting out unfortunately

Time to deal with this I’m afraid. You need to address it now or it just gets worse, you get more resentful, marriage slowly dies.

Tell him straight this evening, once DC are in bed. “He’s opting out of family life, it’s stops now or he makes it permanent.”

JurgensCakeBaby · 24/10/2021 12:28

I don't get why you couldn't just park up together in town, his car gets a run and he can still help with DC

CyclingIsNotOuting · 24/10/2021 12:28

Ah ok, that does change things a little.
Would you have felt comfortable telling him not to take the second car? Especially if he was planning on taking it out later anyway?

Shoxfordian · 24/10/2021 12:30

Does he want to be in a family and do things with you all? He does sound selfish

mewkins · 24/10/2021 12:35

I would be suspicious that he wants to be alone in order to make a phonecall. Maybe I have a suspicious mind. Unless his car is an old classic car that needs a run on a Sunday (sounds like he uses it in the week anyway) who would use extra fuel when it costs a ridiculous amount, unless they really needed to?!

MrsRobbieHart · 24/10/2021 12:37

Yes I wondered if he was planning on making a quick detour whilst on his way to meet with OP.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 24/10/2021 12:41

He sounds like a selfish arse dumping the entertainment of the children on you while he swans off for a drive.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/10/2021 12:42

This kind of thing really annoys me! It's this sort of 'checking out' of family life / activities that grates me because on the surface of it he thinks he is killing two birds with one stone but in reality it's very self-serving. These things manifest themselves in other ways too and would leave me very resentful.

MrsRobbieHart · 24/10/2021 12:45

It doesn’t make sense that he needs give his car a run when he uses it for work every day. Does he take it for a run every Sunday?

Original poster
Namechangeciyciycyiyt · 24/10/2021 12:52

Definitely no funny business re detour or phone calls of that I'm sure, and I understand why his car needs a run this weekend there's no mystery there.

@CyclingIsNotOuting yes I told him we had a quiet 'discussion' in the street about it.

Whoever said he's not being a family man/opting out of family life yes this at times and these are words I'll use thank you

OP posts:
DreamingofTimbuktu · 24/10/2021 13:29

The fact he still has a 2 seater when you have 2 children really suggests that being a family man is never his priority.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 24/10/2021 13:30

Time to deal with this I’m afraid. You need to address it now or it just gets worse, you get more resentful, marriage slowly dies
This is true. When mine were little I had to practically force DH to take the DC so I could have a break at the weekend.
I honestly don’t know if it was a confidence issue or if it’s the drudge element of looking after small children or simply being able to change mindset from ‘this is what I want to do this weekend’ to ‘what are we doing this weekend’.
I did insist he took the lead at the weekend with planning activities and cooking etc because left to his own devices, I’d have done everything.