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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to want and need a break?

18 replies

Zeeh356 · 24/10/2021 10:48

So I don’t know if this is really the right place to post as I know a lot of people don’t share the same beliefs, I am Muslim revert I reverted over 10 years ago before I got married. I had been wanting to be able to read the Quran and pray in Arabic for a long time and finally the opportunity came around when my second child was born 4 years ago ( he was around 11 months at the time) for the past 3 and a half years I have been doing classes with this woman who I have come to know really well actually and I do think a lot of her, it has been a big challenge learning and trying to read whilst juggling my small children, my eldest was 2 at the time and as I said my youngest 11 months, finally 2 months ago I finally finished reading the full Quran in Arabic, I’ve worked so hard the past 3 and a half years, I do my classes one to one 4 days a week, I’ve never missed a class even when I’m ill or whilst the kids have been fighting and screaming in the background,I’ve learnt how to pray and do everything she’s taught me and my told me to do. The last 5 months I’ve been reading a lot of the Quran in one day with her so I could finish this as soon as possible as I was starting to get fed up after 3 and a half years of not having any time to myself anymore, my son was in nursery last year and the 3 hours he was in nursery I was spending reading with her, I was getting really bad headaches after reading because it’s not my language and I was reading a lot to try and get it finished quickly so that when my son finally started full time in reception last month I could finally look after my self and do the things I wanted to do as it has been so hard mentally and physically as both my children are so close in age and my husband doesn’t help much with the kids or housework as he’s so busy with work, so I was looking forward to finishing knowing my days would be free to give myself me time, to finally work on my mental health and maybe start my own business, I finished the Quran 2 months ago, and my teacher has flipped a switch, she is still calling me 4 times a week to read the Quran again ( I did expect this but as she has started teaching my daughter I thought I would read a little bit after school times when my daughter reads so I would still have the days to myself) but no, she’s told me she will teach my daughter after school but that I still have to do my classes, not only that but she is now making me translate the entire Quran in writing word by word( it’s not the point that I mind this, I want to do it but I’ve lost motivation in wanting to do it because she is pushing me so much) since my kids have been in full time school, again, I haven’t had a day to my self. When she isn’t free to read with me on Fridays that is the day I have to get the food shop done and other stuff done so I still don’t get time to do the things I want. It’s got to the point now where I will text her in the mornings saying I can’t do the class today, for example last week my mother came to visit and she wanted to take me into town shopping as she knows I’ve been struggling, I text her at 8am telling her this, I was in town and at 12pm I checked my phone and I had 5 missed calls from her, I rang her back and she asked me where I was, was I at home. I said I sent you a text saying I can’t do it today, she said well call me AS SOON as you get home so you can read, I got upset and it ruined the day and my mum said no, we aren’t rushing back for her. Another example of this is when I told her 2 days prior that me and my husband had an important appointment with our mortgage broker and that I wouldn’t be able to do the class with her, I did tell her 2 days in advance. My mobile data didn’t seem to be working that day and I returned home and when my phone connected to the WiFi I had 9 missed calls from her, and a voicemail asking where I was, what had happened, that she was worried about me because I wasn’t answering. That “ I could have told her I wasn’t taking the class” when I did! I feel like she had turned into something like a crazy stalker ex, it’s got to the point where I’ve turned my WhatsApp notifications off because I can’t deal with her anymore, every time I tell her I can’t do it now, I will have something crazy like 10 missed calls, and a voice note saying call me as soon as you get home. I know she probably has her best intentions at heart for me, but I feel she is acting so obsessive now. This woman is not related to me at all, I’m grateful for everything she has done for me but she is acting like I owe her an explanation every time I go out, acting like I can’t go anywhere, when I do go out telling me to call her as soon as I get back. I feel so depressed. How would you go about this?

OP posts:
SoniaFouler · 24/10/2021 10:53

I would cut off all ties, personally and find someone that can teach/help you at your own pace.

But I don’t know much about religion - do you think if you did this, word would get around that you have “shunned” her and you’re not taking your religion seriously? (Not saying that you’re not, but that’s what she might tell people?)

She sounds very exhausting and like a controlling partner.

monkeysox · 24/10/2021 10:53

Block her number

Zeeh356 · 24/10/2021 11:12

@SoniaFouler

I would cut off all ties, personally and find someone that can teach/help you at your own pace.

But I don’t know much about religion - do you think if you did this, word would get around that you have “shunned” her and you’re not taking your religion seriously? (Not saying that you’re not, but that’s what she might tell people?)

She sounds very exhausting and like a controlling partner.

My husband has told me to just tell her to cut my classes down etc,I’ve tried telling her all this indirectly so she will get the hint, and she guilt trips me and tells me “ not everybody will care enough to tell you to do this and that” she doesn’t know anybody that I know, my husbands a builder who did work in her house that’s how he found her to teach me, so she couldn’t really go around saying anything. My husband also suggested just not answering her messages or calls so she gets the hint, but that’s what I’ve tried by switching my WhatsApp notificanrs off but she just blows up my phone and I then feel like I’m the one in the wrong wnd that I’m being ungrateful. That’s what I keep telling my husband she is just getting obsessive, I was telling my husband this morning how she yesterday sent me a link for an online lecture on zoom, it has all the names their and I didn’t join because I was busy for with my husband and kids, the program was due to start at 7pm and she text me at 7.10pm saying the zoom call has started, I seen her name on the zoom thing so she had obviously been looking to see my name show up there to see if I was watching the Islamic program and when she saw I wasn’t on it she sent me a text. She’s even watching and controlling me in those aspects too. I’m not a child and I’m obviously big enough and old enough to read by myself, she’s even said herself I’m reading well so I don’t understand why I’m still doing the classes, my husband is a born Muslim and even he can’t understand it either. My daughter has started learning with her to now and I have nothing but tantrums with dd trying to get her to read with her over WhatsApp video call, when I teach her myself she loves it and is perfectly fine. I know something needs to be done but I just don’t know whether I am being ungreatful.
OP posts:
fizzzzyvimto · 24/10/2021 11:14

I would honestly tell her that her services are no longer required, and practice your faith and teach your child in your own way in your own time.
She does obsessed and controlling.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 24/10/2021 11:16

Also block.

Outrageous and intimidating controlling behaviour from your so called teacher.

SoniaFouler · 24/10/2021 11:17

and she guilt trips me and tells me “not everybody will care enough to tell you to do this and that”

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

TillyTopper · 24/10/2021 11:22

She is not going to get any "hint" or indirect way of you telling her that you no longer want to continue. Just message her saying "Thank you for all the lessons so far, but I won't be continuing with any more lessons". If she calls or whatsapp you just block her and also move your daughter somewhere else.

She's got more red flags than China - controlling, horrible and hardly a good example!

Alpinechalet · 24/10/2021 11:32

My first thought is she is a very religious person who enjoys instructing others and doesn’t want to let go. She may be lonely and miss you not going each day, but she is being very controlling.

I am assuming you are not paying her and this is a voluntary arrangement.
Write to her and thank her for all her help to achieve your goal of improving your Arabic and understanding of the Quran. You now feel it is time for you to take the next step and to self study and reflect on your learning. You therefore will be stopping classes with her at the end of October.

You then need to be firm and if she pesters send one text saying As stated I am no longer attending classes please stop asking me to attend. Then stop responding to texts.

paribythelake · 24/10/2021 11:40

Firstly, well done on focusing so much on your faith but you know in our religion. Balance is everything.

You do not sacrifice your own mental health, physical health and time to look after your family because this obsessive woman wants you to read Quran for hours at a time. It isn't even required.
You are resenting it now. Allah SWT wants you to read Quran with passion and clean good intention.

You can read Quran and teach your children in your own time.

Focus on yourself

WorraLiberty · 24/10/2021 11:41

That was a difficult read. I got 3/4 of the way through and my opinion didn't change for the start - you're a grown woman and you don't have to do what she tells you.

If you can't stick up for yourself, you'll struggle to stick up for your kids when they're older.

Poptart4 · 24/10/2021 11:41

Stop hinting, you need to be direct and firm.

Text her thanking her for her time and help but you no longer require either. Then block.

Don't give her any more of your time.

purpledagger · 24/10/2021 11:49

I think you need to blunt and tell her that you don't need her help anymore. You also need to stop her teaching your daughter, as you need a clean break.

I suspect she probably misses your company and the sense of purpose the lessons gave her.

midlifecrash · 24/10/2021 12:51

She’s enjoying being dominant over you. Not a sign of a good teacher. You need someone else.

PaperMonster · 24/10/2021 12:56

That’s quite abusive behaviour from her. You need to block her.

MatildaTheCat · 24/10/2021 13:00

You need to send her a very direct message telling her in a way that cannot be misinterpreted, that you have decided to stop lessons and will be continuing your journey at your own pace and with your own family. If it makes it any easier you can say your husband has told you this. (Obviously you shouldn’t need to say this bu it can be handy occasionally). And, of course, discontinue your daughter’s lessons.

SeaToSki · 24/10/2021 13:03

If you dont feel you can talk to her in person to cancel then send her a text.

I am cancelling all my classes and any other teaching events with you. I am also cancelling all my daughters classes. I will be finding another teacher that works better for my family. Please do not contact me anymore.

Make sure you have paid for all the classes you have taken or contracted for (and if you have paid for any in the future then just accept that you have lost that money)

If she continues to message or call you, block her.

Find another teacher that will act in a professional manner.

Zeeh356 · 24/10/2021 13:15

@SeaToSki

If you dont feel you can talk to her in person to cancel then send her a text.

I am cancelling all my classes and any other teaching events with you. I am also cancelling all my daughters classes. I will be finding another teacher that works better for my family. Please do not contact me anymore.

Make sure you have paid for all the classes you have taken or contracted for (and if you have paid for any in the future then just accept that you have lost that money)

If she continues to message or call you, block her.

Find another teacher that will act in a professional manner.

This is the odd thing, shes been teaching me for 3 and a half years and never took a penny off me. She’s never charged for any of my classes or my daughters, So it’s not about money. I think she has some sort of weird emotional attachment to me that is starting to get out of hand now. She wasn’t like this before I finished my full Quran, I thought a lot of her but it’s only now this behaviour started off slowly and now it’s getting worse and worse that I’m realising the attachment isn’t a normal one. Almost like I have to tell her if I’m doing something else or going somewhere like she’s my husband or my parents ( none of my actual family treat me like this) . I used to do my classes at her house but since covid it has been over WhatsApp video call, she lets me know 5 minutes in advance before she does my class, which is another thing that I can’t cope with, I end up sitting at home all day waiting for her and wasting my full day even though I ask her early in the morning what time,it’s always 5 minutes before.

It was only when I told my mum that I had to switch off my WhatsApp notifications off that she made me realise it’s got to a point of being wrong. She is 62, her husband died in January which I always feel so sorry for her as I do care about her, but it’s not my fault and as I said it’s only recently she has gained this weird attachment to me. She lives with her son, his wife and their children so it’s not like she’s lonely. She also teaches about 6 or 7 other people but she doesn’t treat them like she treats me. I just feel guilty on her but I do think it’s abnormal.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 24/10/2021 15:59

Well i would definitely send the text then, and block her going forward. It doesnt sound like its a healthy professional relationship - which is what it should be even if you did become friendly over the years.

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