Confronted alcoholic parent

[hellsbells323]

Since my dad died 2 years ago my mum has steadily been drinking more and more. She now drinks daily. She says she drinks to forget and to help her sleep. She isn't a particularly nasty drunk but her personality does change. She becomes sloppy and she doesn't listen. She can occasionally become spiteful and argumentative and her drunken behaviour has spoilt a few family occasions. But mostly it's just sad to see her like that.

Ive found it harder and harder to deal with. She has isolated herself and often rushes home from social events or work just so she can drink alone. I'm terrified of the damage she's doing to her health and that I will eventually lose anther parent. Ive told her that I can't be around this self destructive behaviour and if I can see she's had a drink when I go round I will have to leave.

I have tried to help her and encourage her to get out and try new things - classes, exercise and so on. But she is set in her ways and nothing changes.

Is there anything else I can do? Because ultimately I want to support her rather than distance myself from her. But at the moment I'm pregnant and anxious a lot myself and seeing her drunk just stresses me out.

It's so sad because I know this is all a product of her grief but it can't continue. I know she has to want to change but I feel like left to her own devices she just won't. What can I do?

I have alcoholics in my family. It’s very sad but, the truth is, you can’t make them stop or reduce drinking.

You have voiced your concerns and that really is all you can do.
There are support groups for family members
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

alcoholchange.org.uk/help-and-support/get-help-now/family-and-friends

Thank you I've been looking for online support, there isn't an al anon local to me

You cannot do anything. She needs to want to stop and clearly she doesn't want that yet. It's shit but until such a time that she actually realises the damage she is doing to herself and everyone around her, she will no doubt continue drinking regularly. Tell her you love her but you don't like what she's doing. Then take a step back. You cannot control what happens. Even if she drinks herself to death you are in no way responsible for her actions. You have a new baby to focus on so do that and let your mum know you will help when she's ready to want help. Who knows, the baby may change her focus and give her a new lease of life, but she will need to prove that she is doing all she can to stay off drink before being allowed play a large part in baby's life.

Well done on confronting her, that was brave. It sounds like you've done everything you can.

I think the most effective thing you can do is detach from her quite severely. Don't go to see her, don't phone her, don't invite her round to your house. You cannot trust her and don't want to see her drunk and she can't give you any reassurance that she won't get drunk.

So you've told her you know she has a problem. The rest is down to her ... honestly, it is! There isn't anything you can do that you haven't done already.

@Chicchicchicchiclana I do see what you're saying and I know it's probably the only way to save my sanity but distancing myself and not seeing her feels so harsh when she is already struggling and alone. It's a horrible situation but I just wish she would find it within herself to want to change her life. My dad always knew she had issues with drink and specifically said before he died that he didn't want her to do this.

@hellsbells323

Thank you I've been looking for online support, there isn't an al anon local to me

They do online support, you don’t need to attend a local group in person anymore.

Thank you I will look online. Such a worrying time I feel very scared.

There is literally nothing you can do. You will be more help to her by letting go then by nagging and trying
To look after her. If she realises she has lost her family she may well decide to get help. But you won't make her see that it has to come from her.

Do you think she would go to bereavement counselling?

@3luckystars she did have bereavement counselling for about a year after we lost my dad. Sometimes she would drink heavily after it as it brought out so many emotions. I think she found it useful to talk but it hasn't stopped her from drinking.

She doesn't look after herself at all. She doesn't eat properly and rarely seeks medical attention for anything. She would probably benefit from anti depressants but she won't even entertain the idea of trying them, but she will drink heavily instead as though that's a more normal way to deal with things.

I am beside myself.

Whatever happens you're being very brave even trying, good luck OP (and remember to make time for yourself to process any grief before worrying about anyone else)

She has lost her partner in life. Her children have their own lives. I cant judge her. She's lonely and she's turned to drink. The only way out is that she chooses it. I'm not in that position but I can't imagine anyone here can give you an answer.

@Sometimeswinning this is why it's very hard for me to distance myself as is often the suggestion when it comes to alcoholics. I know she is struggling. I want to be there for her. But when she's drunk it's so hard.

I just want her to choose a different life but I know I can't force her. It hurts though.

@hellsbells323 I wouldn't be able to distance myself. Id also be really angry with my parent for checking out and not thinking me and my family were enough. Addicts are selfish. Some do have the best intentions. But it doesn't amount to anything. Ever. We've finally gone low contact with a family member. If he calls we answer. We don't call him or reach out anymore.

@Sometimeswinning yes I won't lie, from a selfish point of view I feel very hurt that me and my dc aren't a good enough reason for her to stay sober. I have already lost one parent and it feels like I will lose another. I already have in one way because she has totally changed from the supportive, loving mum she used to be. When she's sober that person is still there but it's becoming less and less often. I am limited as to what times I can ring her or pop round to the house if I want to see her sober. After a certain point in the day I know I'm going to be met by someone who is drunk. It's heartbreaking.

How old is she? Prolonged heavy drinking is going to wreck her health. I would try to persuade her to see a GP with you but ultimately you can't help her if she doesn't want help.

Don't enable her. Don't buy or serve her alcohol. Don't hide your unhappiness. Don't lie to others on her behalf.

Look after yourself and your family

All you can do is contact Al-Anon for online support for yourself and set boundaries. You don't have to go no contact, but you can refuse to talk to her when she's drunk, and when your baby is born refuse to see her if she is not sober. Those are reasonable and sensible things to do.

She will stop if and when she is ready. My late mother did exactly the same thing (at an older age, she was in her late 70s) and it ended up killing her. It's an incredibly hard thing to be so powerless so please do get support for yourself.

I really feel for you
I have addicts in my family and a tricky relationship with them.
Excellent advice above, particularly Al Anon. Lots of support online.
My advice is to focus in your own little family and remember the 3 Cs. You didn't cause this, you can't control this, you can't cure this. This helped me a lot as I wanted to 'fix it's.
Also, don't make this an 'elephant in the room', be honest. E.g ' we could meet first for a coffee or lunch mid day ish but no later as you'll be drinking by then' or decline events openly. I don't go to any invites for pub lunches etc because I don't want to be around the drinking.
Don't enable the addict by making things easy and fitting round the selfish addictions. Be there and support but be more low contact. It is very sad to see but trying to change the addict is the risd to madness.

Thank you for the advice. It helps to talk and to know I'm not alone. My dh is supportive but ultimately it's my mum, I care about her more than anyone else. Dh just doesn't like how it upsets me.

I have looked at al anon a few times. I had hoped to find some kind of forum for people experiencing the same sort of thing but I don't think there is one, not through al anon anyway. I guess the key advice has been summarised here already though. I can't control this. I can't stop her doing what she's doing. It's a very bitter pill because your natural instinct is to try and protect the people you love but when they don't want to help themselves what can you do?

I've had a few important things happen in my life recently and all I want to do is talk to my mum sometimes. My heart just sinks when she picks up and I can tell she's been drinking.

Al-Anon has meetings via Zoom, and there will be people there who are going through the same thing you are. Attending doesn't mean you have to speak - you can start by sitting in and listening. It takes a phone call to get into the meetings, after that you're set and you can take from them whatever you're ready for. Don't underestimate the power of not being alone. I lost both my husband and my mother to alcohol and I still attend a support group years later.

This is the Al-Anon helpline number: 0800 0086 811

Hi OP, I am really sorry you are going through this.

I have had something similar, tried my best to sort my dad out before he died to beyond what was rational and nearly lost my husband because of it. My mum is now going down the same road and I have to detach.

My one piece of advice is that you need to put YOUR family ahead of all this. I know you love your mum but there comes a time where you have to prioritise your own husband and children. When it comes to addiction, my experience is that there is a lot of selfishness involved with the addicted person, whether it's intentional or not is beside the point, the knock on to you is the same.

I wish you well. Detaching from my mum is going against my natural instinct and nature but it's not good for me to go along with her, been there done that with my dad.

Best wishes.

Hello @hellsbells323 , I find myself in the exact same situation as you, with exactly the same feelings towards my Mum that you describe. I stumbled on your old thread above when seeking advice on the topic. I wondered how you and your Mum are getting on, and what has happened since, if you would be happy to share? I have taken some very useful points from the advice given; including the 3 C’s, so thanks to all for contributing on this. X

There are "in person" and "on line" options under the find a meeting tab.

Al anon absolutely is a forum for people experiencing the same thing. In fact meeting attendees will all have previously or currently be experiencing similar things to you.