To ask for successful examples of shared parental leave?

[Movingsoon21]

DH and I are expecting our first child and want to use shared parental leave. Our first thought was that I would take the first nine months and he would take the final 3. He would also take the first two weeks as paternity leave and weeks 3-4 as annual leave so we would have the first month off together.

We don’t know many people who have used SPL but have heard through friends of friends / friends of colleagues about more interesting arrangements where both parents use their annual leave cleverly so they get a month off together around months 6-9 to go away together or similar.

Looking to hear from people who have successfully/ happily used SPL, in particular anyone who has done anything interesting or clever to get more time by using accrued annual leave? E.g. could I use accrued leave during my 9 months off to get 3 weeks off with DH during his first month off?

Both our HR departments seem pretty clueless on this so any help or advice would be appreciated! TIA.

We did SPL. I went back to work after 6 months and DP had the last 6 months.

Pros- great for DP, DS bonding.

• I needed to go back to work and was struggling being at home with baby.

Cons - DS was EBF and just wouldn't take a bottle at first so the first few weeks were stressful for us all (finally accepted bottle). DS would not accept formula so I had to express a lot at work which was difficult with time and job pressures.
My advice: don't EBF if u plan on going back to work after a few months. We were ina right pickle for a while and I was exhausted.

We did it. I took first 9 months, DH took last 3 months.

He also had 6 weeks off when DS was born: 2 weeks paternity leave and 4 weeks annual leave. I was very ill at the time, so it was great that he was off

It made a difference to how we parent: DH is the most hands on dad that I know

We used SPL but I only took 3 months, September till Jan with DH using 6 months and then never went back to work. We enjoyed it too much and he didn't have a "career" as such so when we worked out the finances it made more sense for him to stay at home. We overlapped with annual leave so that we had the whole of December off together which was perfect with first Christmas as a three. His work was also clueless and he ended up getting the minimum government set pay rather than anything extra he would have if he was the mother.

Hi. Would someone be open to me sending them a message about SPL please as I'm wondering about whether something is possible?

We did 10 and 2. I was ebf and my daughter was a bottle refused, she only started drinking small amounts from a cup a week before I went back so if I'd gone back any earlier it could have been really stressful.

My husband has always been a completely involved father and always done his share (eg he couldn't do night feeds but if the baby was having an unsettled night he would wheel the buggy around in the middle of the night for walks to give me a break even when he was working). But if you do something all day every day then you become the 'expert'. It went from 'what do you think I should give her for lunch' at the beginning to 'oh let's not give her x for dinner as she already had it at lunch' at the end. Also I found it much easier settling back in to work without having to settle her into nursery at the same time. My husband did all that so I could just concentrate on getting back up to speed. That was good as it was hard enough going back to work and hard enough putting her in nursery - doing both at once wouldnt have been fun for me

We did 9 and 3 split both times. Personally I’m all for concurrent leave at the start but less so at the end (unless you’re planning on travelling). If dad isn’t in charge during his bit it kind of misses the point for me. Plus it’s lovely to get established back at work with no worries about nursery or needing to take days off to look after a baby who keeps picking up bugs.

Both kids started nursery at 11 months no probs

So great hearing so many successful stories!

We wanted to but both times we've had boob obsessed DC with allergies so peadatrician advised to bf on demand for as long as possible. I could have pumped but going back earlier and spending all day pumping with DC who refused bottles wasn't exactly the easiest option when it came to it.

With both DC, my DH took a month at the start and then a month at the end, when I went back to work.

It was good to have the extra time at the beginning, as I had tricky pregnancies/births, and was in hospital for a week each time.

I would highly recommend the month at the end too. It meant I could settle back into work, leaving DC at home with DH rather than nursery straight away, and I had a month of coming home from work to a cooked dinner on the table (which is more than he got the previous 11 months!). DH dealt with all the nursery settling in, which he was less emotional about, and it seemed to reset everything back onto a 50/50 expectation rather than the more traditional roles we fell into during my maternity leave.

We did six months each. I tagged annual leave onto the end of my stint and DH took a couple of weeks at the start of his, so we had about a month handover (/ going on holiday!) time. We both also dropped down to four days a week from birth. It worked really well - I wanted to go back to work as I am not cut out to be a SAHM and my mental health was poor, I got to go back without worrying about childcare, plus all the benefits of DH spending 1:1 caring time PP have mentioned.

Main downside was having to introduce bottle feeding more than I would have otherwise - we tried to give a bottle a day of expressed milk from very early on and ramped this up with some formula from 4months. Still managed to BF until DS was 2.5 though! And this would be less of an issue if you're taking 9 months anyway.

Admin wise, HR definitely needed a bit of hand holding, and DH ended up being paid more than he should have been (he did point this out!), but it wasn't too much gaff. Now pregnant again and planning to do pretty much the same again.

Oh, and DH also took 2 weeks annual leave after paternity leave at the start which was really helpful as I had a difficult recovery and was in hospital for most of the first week. Would recommend having a short chunk together at the start if you can.

We did a similar split that you have planned but also had two separate months (at different times) where we overlapped. It was so great to have that extended time as a family. We have completely 50/50 parenting now and both work full time. Best thing we did.

Did 4.5/4.5 ish with both. Made sense financially as I'm the higher earner. Made brilliant sense for the family as we've continued with the shared patenting in every way. Would, and do, recommend it to everyone if at all possible.

I took the first 2 weeks (think thats the least amount mother can take). My partner then had the remainder of weeks.
I had my own business so this was what worked best for us.
It was a bit more complicated as I was self employed.
I remember us asking acas for advice-they were brilliant and made all the endless paperwork bearable.
Having spent the best part of a year on maternity you would think he would have a much greater understanding of having kids......nope I am still default parent.

A man did it at my work- his wife had 2 months and he took the remainder.

We have much better mat leave at my workplace, so it made sense to do it that way. He loved it!

I have to say, my bosses were not happy with him. I think they expect women to go off but not men, so they seemed annoyed with him.

Sorry if that's negative (I know you asked for success stories so apologies) but it's what happened.

Thanks @Animood my husband would be taking a maximum of 3 months and his employer is relatively progressive (and quite a female friendly environment) so we’re hoping it won’t have the same negative effect on him. Plus I’m the higher earner so in some ways it’s more important to get me back to work ASAP rather than him.

I found it really hard to get a good idea of how to split parental leave (and how to share parenting in general!) before ours was born, so wanted to contribute another anecdote for future readers. I'm self employed through my own LTD company so eligible for ShPL with statutory pay, he's employed and gets statutory pay only.

First month we took off together (mat leave/pat leave + annual leave) and this turned out to be really important - I don't think I would have successfully established breastfeeding otherwise. Strongly recommend.

We then had 4 months off each. Due to my work commitments I ended up handing over at 4 months old, and saving a final month until month 8-9. This was tough for breastfeeding (I was WFH and did most feeds, only expressing when they had specific plans to be out all day or when I had a meeting scheduled) but great for having some of the fun time once LO was older. At 9 months feeding logistics will be a lot easier for you. Even from 6 months it should get easier for most, but babies do seem to vary a lot in terms of how often / for how long they feed.

One thing I'd warn against is only having time off together and never your partner fully on duty. I don't know anyone local in real life who is doing ShPL (shocking!) but I know a few people who had 2-4 weeks off together somewhere around 6 - 9 months old, and without fail it ended up being dad "helping mum out". Even in the early days I strongly recommend having a "day off", where you are only on call for non-negotiable mum stuff (e.g. breastfeeding if you're doing that, or contact naps if you really need to) but can mentally switch off your responsibility and let dad get confident.

I actually made full use of KIT and SPLIT days and worked (/rested in the early days) almost one day a week, with my partner doing 80% hours which let me stay in the game with work and have a mental break for childcare. This was great, but depending on your employer may not be possible / financially worth it. I did lots of research into using ShPL more creatively, but ended up keeping things simple. SPLIT days are generous (20 each, plus 10 KIT from your mat leave) so it's definitely possible to use them to interleave childcare and work for part of the time, e.g. both be on leave but work half and half. Mentally would be the ideal setup in my view, but logistically it felt complicated. We're planning to continue 50/50 until LO is 1, and then 60/60+nursery.

Good luck! I'm sure you'll find a good balance

Sorry everyone old thread, don’t reply.