AIBU to want to cut ties completely *trigger warning for abuse*

[FlippinFedUp21]

Some background: I don't have a good relationship with my mum. My childhood was marred by living with a chaotic alcoholic (mum) and her enabler (my dad). Over the years I saw my dad as the solid, dependable one (although now I see how much his actions enabled my mum to neglect me and my sister emotionally and how my bond with him is based on clinging to him as the only parent who seemed to care about us).

I have absolutely zero bond with my mum as a result of years of sustained emotional neglect as well as direct physical and emotional bullying (mostly brought on by her alcoholic rages).

I left home at 18 and have since been doing my best to avoid contact with her.

I now have my own family, married with a son, a career, my own life basically. However I still haven't been able to go completely no-contact with my mum. She doesn't see us face to face but she has "access" to me via phone. I have my parent's home number blocked but my dad rings me from his mobile, usually at her behest/on her behalf.

A few years back I went to the police to report that I was the victim of sexual abuse as a child (online grooming). My mum was extremely angry that I went to the police and asked why I was bringing this up now, I should let it lie, I deserved it anyway as it was my fault for being stupid enough to be groomed. She actually said that to me, in a diatribe over the phone. I immediately put the phone down, burst into tears and when my husband got home and I told him, he was furious and rang my dad to say he was disgusted and she shouldn't contact me again (directly or via my dad). Apparently my mum was crying in the background saying how sorry she was she'd said it.

The dust settled over a few days but then my dad contacted me to say my mum wanted to apologise for what she said; she didn't mean it etc. It then became clear if I wanted to speak to my dad again I would have to maintain contact with both of them on the phone. I can't forgive her for what she said to me. She said it so viciously, it was filled with hate. I wouldn't say something like that to my worst enemy and she's supposed to be my bloody mother. I've put up with all her problems over the years, she effectively destroyed my early childhood, and was then sexually abused by a stranger. When she told me it was my own fault that happened to me I just felt so angry that I haven't got a mother who loves me and who feels any form of respect for me. I would do anything to have a nice mum, it absolutely kills me that I don't have that.

Why can't I just cut contact with them both? Why do I feel like I have to cling on to some form of contact with my dad? Surely he should take some responsibility in this situation and if he wants to be in contact with me he's got to understand it has to be separate from my mum and I don't want to see or speak to her again?

She's recently had the audacity to invite me to her birthday dinner - I would hate to go anyway because she gets horribly drunk and makes an utter arse of herself, but it's the arrogance that she thinks I want anything to do with her. I think she knows she has me over a barrel because I don't want to cut my dad out but maybe I should? I feel really confused and just want to be able to get on with my life.

If I cut contact with both my parents would that make me utterly awful? In a way I think my dad is somewhat a victim of her behaviour/alcoholism so whenever I think I shouldn't answer the phone full stop it makes me feel horrible and guilty.

Anyone who has gone NC? I have tried so hard to cut contact with her. I felt I could do it but whenever I think it might make my dad not speak to me again I find it really upsetting. I think my dad does care about me but he's so wrapped up in enabling my mum and will go along with whatever she wants. They know I won't see her face to face, I couldn't bear to be in her company after everything she has said but that means I probably won't see my dad again (as my mum won't "let" him if I'm not seeing her).

I didn’t go nc with my alcoholic mum exactly because I didn’t want to lose contact with my dad, her enabler. Now he’s dad, I’ve withdrawn hugely and been told off for ‘abandoning her like a dog’. I cannot be bothered to watch her get shitfaced so very rarely see her.

Considering that basically, your dad has enabled/allowed her behaviour (mine once told me ‘least said, soonest mended’ because he didn’t want to deal with her kicking off at him), I’d not feel too much pain in withdrawing contact.

I think you should cut both of them out of your life. Your father enables her and has allowed her to abuse u over the years. he is not innocent in this, he has essentially participated in her abuse of you,

Wow, that's all sounds dreadful. You're not at all unreasonable in wanting to cut contact but I can also see why you feel conflicted when it comes to your dad. I think you should do what feels right for you, whatever that is. If it felt right you could put a caveat in that your dad could perhaps write to/email you if he wanted to see you just the two of you. But never any phonecalls because they cause too much stress, and never anything involving your mum as that has caused so much pain you are now cutting contact. If he didn't respect that you could make it clear it might have to extend to him too.

Some people I know have done trial no contact for 6months or a year to see how it goes (you don't announce that to the other people, just say I need to take a break for about 6 months and then reassess. I will be in touch when/if I feel ready).

I’m so sorry this happening to you. I’m nc with my parents, and as a result their extended family.

I think you’re absolutely justified in wanting to end contact, not just for the past abuse but for the way they are treating you now. As you’ve already realised, your dad is far from innocent. It is neglect to not protect your children from abuse and so it sounds like he abused you too, even though he felt like your space place.

I know it’s hard, especially the guilt towards the ‘less bad’ parent. Something that helped me was realising that nothing I said would ever make them understand my feelings, because they don’t want to understand.

I hope you find peace, and that you’ve got lots of real life support. It’s an awful journey to have to walk

Thanks so much for your replies.

@Cherrysoup your dad's attitude to trying to smooth things over sounds so similar to my dad. But actually I feel now it was more to cover for my mum, enable life to continue on as 'smoothly' as it could despite the fact me and my sister were suffering. He is completely non-confrontational, has never said no to my mother in their entire marriage, he won't start now.

@Cloudfrost deep down I know this, it just feels incredibly painful especially now I've almost completely broken down the childhood idealised view I had of my dad when I was a kid.

@LanisHouseLot He will never write a letter or email to me. That would involve pulling his head out of the sand and acknowledging a letter is the only way to talk to his own daughter. He would just keep trying to phone because that's what my mum would be telling him to do. If I blocked their number they might try to knock on the door but I honestly think the contact between me and him would end. I would get the blame of course because I've the one who's cut contact (despite the circumstances). It's just absolutely shit every way I look at it.

@LanisHouseLot

Wow, that's all sounds dreadful. You're not at all unreasonable in wanting to cut contact but I can also see why you feel conflicted when it comes to your dad. I think you should do what feels right for you, whatever that is. If it felt right you could put a caveat in that your dad could perhaps write to/email you if he wanted to see you just the two of you. But never any phonecalls because they cause too much stress, and never anything involving your mum as that has caused so much pain you are now cutting contact. If he didn't respect that you could make it clear it might have to extend to him too.

Some people I know have done trial no contact for 6months or a year to see how it goes (you don't announce that to the other people, just say I need to take a break for about 6 months and then reassess. I will be in touch when/if I feel ready).

Yes I did this, I told them I needed some space for a bit. It was the only way I could face it.

@withgraceinmyheart

I’m so sorry this happening to you. I’m nc with my parents, and as a result their extended family.

I think you’re absolutely justified in wanting to end contact, not just for the past abuse but for the way they are treating you now. As you’ve already realised, your dad is far from innocent. It is neglect to not protect your children from abuse and so it sounds like he abused you too, even though he felt like your space place.

I know it’s hard, especially the guilt towards the ‘less bad’ parent. Something that helped me was realising that nothing I said would ever make them understand my feelings, because they don’t want to understand.

I hope you find peace, and that you’ve got lots of real life support. It’s an awful journey to have to walk

God that made me cry. Thank you so much for understanding (a shame the only way someone can fully understand is to have gone through it themselves. I'm sorry you had to take the steps you had to take but I hope you're in a better place as a result?)

I have lots of real-life support, my husband is amazing and he's fully supportive of going NC. I'm just coming to terms with my own feelings about it and I felt it was probably a good time to get some outside perspectives and from people who've been through this.

Sounds like you have a strong sense of what would be best for you even if it's hard to put into action. If your dad wouldn't stick with what you need and would just phone anyway then it does back you into a corner a bit. Can't control other people's decisions though .

Maybe a "Look, I'm finding the stress of staying in contact at the moment is really impacting my life and I need to take a break. Please don't contact me except in the case of a medical emergency (if you'd want them to do that) and I will be in touch, possibly at some point in the new year to see how things are then" conversation is the way to go.

Obviously you don't have to add the bit about being in touch, you can just go hard no contact. I think it may have a higher chance of being respected if it feels to them like it is for a finite time rather than forever. The 'forever' no contact can be upgraded later if you still feel certain.

I'm so sorry, you deserve decent parents, everybody does. I think the bond you feel with your dad is more like a trauma bond for you, and it's only one way. Your dad doesn't really see you as a real person, you are just a character in the drama of life with your mother. If he cared for you at all he would have protected you from her. Instead he's choosing to do her bidding. This is a choice he makes every day of his life. Every day he chooses her, as she is, over his children.
Do not feel guilty about cutting contact with both of them. Grieve for the parents they should have been to you, but please don't feel guilty, do this for yourself. And if they blame you, so what? If you have no contact, they can't hurt you any more.