Is this middle child syndrome? Being looked over due to being childless or just plain being oversensitive?

[Maybeoversensitive]

I have a complex relationship with my parents so may be completely over reading this. DW and I are both female if that changes things.

Dw is middle child of 3 sisters. Her younger sibling emigrated to America, all 30+. Her parents are both fairly well, but have mobility issues and at that sort of point where between each visit they are aging and need support with some things like things involving ladders.

Youngest gets treated like the youngest alot. She owns property etc, but still isn't expected to chip in with family presents etc, never sends gifts and DFil will buy Christmas presents from her for us, or send her things like new kitchen ware if she mentions hers breaks.

We live 1.30 hrs from the parents, older sister lives 2 hrs away but much more miles ( better transport links)
It falls to us to do 80% of the visiting. The inlaws no longer drive so our visits often involve ferrying them to far off shops to get sheets, b and q. Sil has a 4 year old so it's more social visits if that makes sense?

It often feels like we are a bit lost in the middle, younger is off doing exciting things, older couldn't possibly support as has child so dictates (understanably) the plans

SIL has 2 dogs and just got a puppy. MiL is deathly allergic so there is zero way she will ever be able to step foot in Sils house

We have been considering making plans for a downstairs loo for our house, and have begin to think how we will manage the distance when they need more care.

Dmil has casually announced (as we were driving her to a hospital appt) that they are considering moving another hour away from us to go live near her sil and 4 year old grand daughter.l (even though for the next 10 years at least she won't be able to go in the house ans Sil got dogs knowing that)

Does anyone else have this dynamic? I sort of feel like as we don't have kids that we aren't as important

Dmil has casually announced (as we were driving her to a hospital appt) that they are considering moving another hour away from us to go live near her sil and 4 year old grand daughter.

Well this would arguably free you up from their needs a lot..you'd have the idea excuse. Too busy to drive that far etc.

I suppose they're hoping that SIL will visit them at their house without the dog. It's understandable they want to be near their only grandchild though...

Yeah I would agree this un-obligates you. I wonder if DMIL told DSIL her plans to move closer to her before or after she got the dogs…..

I think you're doing a lot for them and that them moving might be a blessing.

Some grandparents really want to be near their grandchildren. Some can't get far enough away from them! I think the former is a but nicer and understandable. I don't think think it's necessarily a middle child thing. I'm a middle child fwiw. My dad is not terribly involved with any of us, but maybe he's too kind to my younger sibling who has been absolutely horrible to him and all of us in the past. But they don't see much of each other. Sibling's choice really.

Yes, I understand this dynamic and see it in my family too.

I don’t know how to explain it, I think it is part middle child syndrome, and part being childless. I think the other siblings have done something to change/break the normal family model, by getting married, having children, moving away etc, whereas the put-upon sibling hasn’t done so much, so the parent sees them as an extension of their own self and lives.

So when she talks about moving, she hasn’t even considered how your DW would feel, as she is part of the same family unit as the MiL herself and would feel the same as her. Ditto that visits are spent doing chores etc, but visits from others are an occasion. When you are home with normal family you use the every day china and go and do chores in other parts of the house while they are there, etc, like you do when it is normal family who live their all the time. When a guest comes over, you have the special cup of tea, you all sit together for the whole visit etc.

That’s my guess anyway.

My advice would be to pull back slightly. If you are happy doing things for/with them, then keep going, but don’t let them pull closer to the others at your expense. Don’t do more, because they are making it easier for your SILs do less. In this case, with the possible move, I would answer something like “that’s a shame you are moving further from us, MIL, I guess we will only see you once every 2 months, instead of once a month, due to the distance. That’s a shame for us, but if it makes you happier, we’ll support you.”

And then if brought up again, I would probably say something (gently) about ‘have you thought about your next moves? Is it to a care home near SIL?

The reason is because they just haven’t thought of it, and haven’t considered your DW at all. They have just assumed she will keep doing what she is doing, because they think she is their child, their daughter to decide for.

Let dmil move nearer sil. Sil will then have to manage everything

Honestly? I'd be sending them links from Rightmove.

Was your response “what’s the point of that, she’s got dogs so has made it impossible for you to visit?”

I think you need to consider what you want. Do you want your inlaws/parents to live with you? It might completely change your relationship with your partner and them. If you don't than leave it all be. If you do, than you should point these things out.

It sounds like them moving will make things more even between the siblings, so shoymake things easier?

I too would let them move
See them less.
Not much you can do to alter the dynamics here.

Its quite normal for grandparents to want to be near grandchildren and you dont sound like you particularly enjoy the relationship now, so what's the problem?

How does your DW feel about it? Was she upset, or does she feel a bit relieved to pass more of the care to her older sister?

It may not actually happen so probably not worth worrying about unless it does!

I do think it was insensitive of MIL not to acknowledge everything you do for her.

I don’t think it’s about birth order, more personality of each sibling and what they’re prepared to do.
Take oldest sister - she’s not going to let allergies in someone living 2 hours dictate her pets. Good for her.
Your wife on the other hand, is prepared to drive a 3 hour round trip to help people who are perfectly able to use the John Lewis website or Amazon to buy sheets.
They want to move - let them move.
And suggest that your wife thinks more about the role she puts herself into, than thinking about what others might expect.

And if PIL can navigate and afford sending kitchenware to the US, then they can navigate and afford a local handyperson when ladders are needed.

Your wife doesn’t have to take the role she’s chosen.

Yup, being childless. You're seen as having far more "freedom" but also required to do more and to expect not to have your needs met.

@KaycePollard

Yup, being childless. You're seen as having far more "freedom" but also required to do more and to expect not to have your needs met.

But where is any of that coming from the PIL and not the OP and her wife?

If PIL are thinking of moving further away, it’s not then saying, “oh and you need to put in a downstairs loo for us”.

They need to look at their own behaviour and choices.

Yes it’s the same in my family. I’m childless and always feel like I’m at the bottom of the pecking order. For example at Christmas my folks will ask all my siblings (who all have kids) if they can do Christmas Day with them and if they don’t get taken up on the offer then they ask to spend it with me.

I personally think it’s more the golden vs the non-golden dynamic that causes this, not always middle child and children vs child free.

My DH is the third of four and is the only one to have children. His parents aren’t v. interested in our family- they have two golden children- DH’s brother and youngest sister, and two non-golden-DH and his older sister.

It doesn’t matter what the non-golden ones do, they’ll never be quite as important as the other two…regardless of grandchildren. DH’s older brother is the mega golden child, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has secret wings and a halo.🤣

I honestly think you and your DW have had a lucky escape with this upcoming move. You can still spend quality time with them when you wish to, but they’re clearly expecting your SIL to give them practical support now. Plus it’s nice that they want to be close to their grandchild, isn’t it? Next generation and all that. I wish my PIL were more interested in our children, but they’re not! It’s rather sad.

@Holly60

Yeah I would agree this un-obligates you. I wonder if DMIL told DSIL her plans to move closer to her before or after she got the dogs…..

I would encourage the move.

@Querty123456

Yes it’s the same in my family. I’m childless and always feel like I’m at the bottom of the pecking order. For example at Christmas my folks will ask all my siblings (who all have kids) if they can do Christmas Day with them and if they don’t get taken up on the offer then they ask to spend it with me.

Get in ahead of them and make arrangements NOT to be available.

I'd make a comment along the lines of "oh, it would be a shame not to be able to visit so often, but I understand that you want to be closer to DN".

Make it clear that you will not be driving an extra hour each way to do odd jobs as often as always, while SiL pops in for a ten minute cup of tea once a month.

@CaptainMerica

I'd make a comment along the lines of "oh, it would be a shame not to be able to visit so often, but I understand that you want to be closer to DN".

Make it clear that you will not be driving an extra hour each way to do odd jobs as often as always, while SiL pops in for a ten minute cup of tea once a month.

This ^^. Make boundaries now.

@CaptainMerica

I'd make a comment along the lines of "oh, it would be a shame not to be able to visit so often, but I understand that you want to be closer to DN".

Make it clear that you will not be driving an extra hour each way to do odd jobs as often as always, while SiL pops in for a ten minute cup of tea once a month.

This is the perfect response.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The adult children who live too far away for 'pop in' visits are always perceived to be more interesting than the child who lives locally. Never mind that you do all the daily help, hospital appointments, shopping etc, the away child's interests will always trump yours. Human nature. You live in the same town, know the same people and if u r not careful end up perceived, as a pp said, as simply an extension of them.
Hopefully, I f they move closer to sil you and your wife wil become that important couple who lead such interesting lives and can't spare the time to see them often. It's ironic really. If you find yourself in a position where you are doing less for them you will probably be more appreciated.