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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend moaning about private school

17 replies

RacketeerRalph · 22/10/2021 20:43

Not a stealth brag before anyone starts.

I have a friend, generally get on well with but she's really money focussed. She did well at uni but for whatever reason this hasn't translated into her career and she's now stuck in what she describes as a "crappy admin job". She's always picked her partner's for their earning potential - seriously, she's dumped guys without degrees or who had manual jobs.

The first thing she told me about her current (long term) partner was his salary. She tells me every time he gets a pay rise or bonus and how much it is. I don't ask for it and nor do I reciprocate the information. She assumes their household income is higher than ours, but it's roughly the same (though earnings split slightly more equally between DH and I).

We have 2 kids of similar ages, primary and preschool. We've chosen to send the kids to private school and since I mentioned this she's done nothing but moan. She keeps moaning about how unfair it is that we can afford private school when she can't. The reality is that we've just prioritised differently - she likes expensive holidays where as we camp, her partner likes a new car every couple of years and currently drives a Mercedes, we drive an old car. I have no issue with how she spends her money, it's the moaning I mind. It's constant - I asked her her plans for half term and she said "well it must be nice to have private school holiday club" and every mention of the kids comes back to how mine are at private school. She's asked how much it is, whether grandparents are paying etc. I've explained that we just spend our money differently to her but she just keeps on about it.

How do I make her stop? I suspect it's partially an issue because her partner doesn't really see their household income as joint - he gets more of a say in what's it spent on where as DH and I make more joint decisions, her partner also doesn't see a need for private school but my friend attended one so wants her kids to have a similar experience. She's realised we aren't as far behind her financially it's really soured things. What do I do? I like the friendship otherwise.

OP posts:

Nesbo · 22/10/2021 20:51

I’m not sure friendships are supposed to feel like such hard work.

Dishwashersaurous · 22/10/2021 21:00

Er. Friendship is not supposed to be hardwork.

Just don't spend any time with her

sst1234 · 22/10/2021 21:01

Why are you friends with her. Not sure how you can make anyone stop doing anything. It’s a free country. Until the next lockdown anyway.

notanothertakeaway · 22/10/2021 21:02

I would just think of a stock phrase to shut down the topic, and repeat it every time she raises it

secretbookcase · 22/10/2021 21:03

Next time she starts just say very clearly: We don't have more money than you and we don't get help. We spend our money differently. Look at our ancient car. Look at our holiday photos.

If she carries on, mirror her. When she says, 'It must be nice to...' grin and say, 'It must be nice to drive a Mercedes/holiday in St Lucia' etc.

PinkiOcelot · 22/10/2021 21:04

She sounds like a PITA! She was fine until she realised they aren’t more well off than you.

Iwonder08 · 22/10/2021 21:07

If she is a friend you can be honest. Tell her you are a private person and her comments about personal finances make you feel uneasy. Suggest avoiding that in future.
It is likely she will react badly, in this case she is not a friend worth keeping. Jealousy is not a good quality and can easily spoil any friendship

RussianSpy101 · 22/10/2021 21:07

More fool her! My husband has no degree and his manual job has built into a huge business. He drives a fairly new pick up, we have several foreign holidays a year and our 3 DC will all go to private school.

Seriously though, she sounds a bitch. Why are you friends with her? I have people like this.

mobear · 22/10/2021 21:07

I don't think you'll be able to change her, you can only remove yourself from the situation. Some people are just geared like that.

RussianSpy101 · 22/10/2021 21:07

Oops. *hate not have

PermanentTemporary · 22/10/2021 21:16

In general you can't change people's behaviour. I think this friendship is built on sand,.and I would stop arranging to see her. Sometimes that can change because she experiences something big and she changes, but imo it's only in movies or Christian children's books that bad experiences improve people's characters - she's just as likely to get more bitter.

MrsAvocet · 22/10/2021 21:27

We have a couple in our extended family who are like this but in reverse. They have children very similar in age to ours but have made different choices eg they've sent their children to a very expensive private school and she's a SAHM whereas we have used our good local state schools and have both worked so have a bit more disposable cash, though not what I'd call a lavish lifestyle. But we are regularly told how lucky our children are to have nice holidays and extra curricular activities. A couple of years ago they actually asked us to take( and pay for) one of their boys on holiday as the poor lamb had never stayed in a hotel abroad. We never mention their school arrangements - not our business - but it's frustrating. Unfortunately because they are family, albeit not super close, we can't get rid of them but have just learned to "smile and wave". And say no when boundaries are crossed.
You probably can't change your friend's behaviour I'm afraid so your options are either to stop seeing her or learn to ignore it unfortunately.
Good luck - I can empathise!

Animood · 22/10/2021 21:27

She sounds like a drain.

Do you want a drain making you feel bad?

gingercatsparky · 22/10/2021 21:37

She doesn't sound like much of a friend and sounds jealous of your situation.

Although I do know what you mean. I have a friend like this too. She gives a lot away about their income and makes it obvious she thinks our income is a lot more than theirs but in reality it's probably similar or theirs is higher.

She makes little comments about us doing well and how lucky we are going on expensive holidays, having a cleaner and the types of shops i shop in etc but as I said unbeknownst to her we are in a similar situation financially. She makes comments about how I have had money from my DP- I know I am very lucky but she has had a house brought for her which we didn't.

We just spend our money very differently. We save money to buy big things and to pay for holidays so have almost half the disposable income they have monthly. They spend big on clothes, cars, food and leisure activities which we don't. So she moans about being overdrawn and having Uk holidays. I don't have an overdraft so can't go overdrawn.

I haven't ever told her this but it is tiresome. I tend to ignore and change the subject.

YouokHun · 22/10/2021 21:44

You’re not friends, you’re competitors. Personally I couldn’t put up with it and would distance myself.

Original poster

RacketeerRalph · 22/10/2021 21:46

Yes, it's very tiresome. She's great fun most of the time, but this is really frustrating.

I like the idea of mirroring her though.

OP posts:

VestaTilley · 22/10/2021 22:17

I wouldn’t be friends with her- she sounds petty, small minded, not like she’s happy for you and as though she’s jealous. She also sounds very materialistic and shallow.

Why are you friends with her?! I’d let her go, and tell her why if she asked me.

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