To think I’m going to feel this way forever? (TW)

[bouncingaroundmentalhealth]

Diagnosed this year with CPTSD and OCD, CPTSD as a result of abuse and neglect in childhood/teens and assault as an adult . OCD I’m plagued by it every single day at present, I have constant continuous intrusive thoughts that I’m going to drop dead to the point I don’t feel able to do anything at all . I’ve now started getting attacks where my heart feels like it stops altogether, then pounds very quickly to the point I feel like I’m underwater and going to faint - A&E have said twice almost certainly panic attacks but at the time I genuinely feel like I’m dying . I darent move sometimes in case it happens again .

GP has stuck me on highest dose of mirtazapine, 120mg of propranolol a day and at the moment diazepam too . Said he’d talk to mental health team .

Mental health team phoned and said they can’t help me as I’m not suicidal and never have been .

I’ve previously had -

Self help CBT at 16 (literally a booklet from GP)

Person centred therapy for uni (essentially the Samaritans but in real life)

CBT through NHS (about six months worth, was discharged as the therapist said he couldn’t help me)

Psychological therapy through NHS (worked for about five years, got me to a stage where I could work and function)

Private therapy via occ health (still NHS though) - worked well but when left work had to stop

Then I had took a huge nervous breakdown about two years later, OD’d and had to wait for a further two years for help - by which time I was housebound, and not functioning much at all - got help for nine months from a psychological therapist (NHS) and psychiatrist in which they identified autism, cptsd and ocd and said I’d need specialist suooort probably ongoing for a long time . Discharged again .

Back to GP who shrugged and said - do you fancy CBT again?

When I said I’ve done that a dozen times, he said he’d ring mental health team .

They’ve phoned this afternoon and said all they can offer is six CBT sessions over zoom as part of a group for low-mild anxiety and depression - that for anything else I’d need to be actively suicidal, or at risk of offending.

I’m at a total loss of what to do . I’ve been sitting on my bed all day wondering what the point in carrying on is, if I’m forever broken/damaged and not fixable . Something somewhere should have worked, I’m obviously the problem so if I remove me then the problem is solved .

I don’t have any friends, I don’t have close family, I don’t have anyone I’d trust to talk to. I genuinely don’t see a clear road ahead anymore, I can’t remember the last time I felt happy - years ago - and I don’t understand how to fix any of this .

I so desperately want to help myself, I spend half the day trying breathing exercises, mindfulness, sleeping at the same time, reading about anxiety, self help stuff online, checking the symptoms for panic attacks, apps, but none of it makes a bit of difference.

I want to be able to just do normal things like cook my dinner, take the rubbish out, go to Sainsbury’s, watch TV, visit my mum - but instead I feel almost paralysed to my bed .

I’m at university doing further study and they suggested a counsellor phone me - she did last night and she said, I just need to try to have more fun - and frightened me by asking for my medical history in case in her words ‘you might collapse or something whilst we’re on zoom and I might need to tell paramedics’ - so spent the whole call with OCD prodding me in a panic that I might collapse .

I don’t know what to do or where to go next . What do I do?

I did try talking to an aunt who said - I think she was trying to be kind but it came out wrong - that no one wanted my baggage and I needed to sort myself out, but that’s easier said than done really - I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall sometimes .

Can you pay for private medical help?

Do you have a part time job?

What about seeing if you could get a peer mentor through the university?

How long have you been on the mirtazapine?

Have you had medication previously (along side the various therapies?)

Do you feel any relief from the the diazepam, when taken?

@pandyandy1

How long have you been on the mirtazapine?

Have you had medication previously (along side the various therapies?)

Do you feel any relief from the the diazepam, when taken?

Mirtazapine I've been on since May 2019, dose was increased in Sept to 45mg.

Honestly with the diazepam I'm not sure, I just feel a bit sluggish/drowsy and disinterested in everything - still had a funny episode last night when heart skipped a beat and felt myself start to panic again but took another diazepam when it started and fell asleep . I'm finding myself wanting to spend all day in bed as I feel safe there .

I havent' got a job no, and definitely can't afford private unfortunately, I wish I could !

I ask because that may not be the right medication for you. There may be other medications out there that better suit you and give you some relief.

Everybody is different (and believe me I tried different therapies too,) but therapy didn't work for me and it was only when I was put on to a specific medication, that life began to get better. I never thought it could, but it did.

Please don't loose hope. If you have been on the higher dose of your current meds for some time now, with no alleviation - revisit a different Dr and ask to try something different.

I'm afraid that CBT has to be a way of life to manage full anxiety/OCD, so dipping in and out of it can be helpful but you practice and keep it up in the same way as if you wanted to keep physically fit, you'd have to go to the gym regularly. Also, the more stress/pressure in your life, the more your OCD will peak - and university can be pressure. OCD can be extremely difficult to overcome. However, I do know of a lady who was crippled by it, but has gone on to have a baby and now leads a much more normal life. I think that you need to look at what the main anxiety flashpoints are in your life. Is there a local support group that you could join that meet up regularly. I really think that you would benefit with helping support some one and have them support you in a reciprocal manner. In essence, it would help to have a group of support friends going through the same. Also download the CALM app. Having relaxation music on all day can help lower your anxiety and they have good mindfulness sessions. Best of all are their sleep stories for insomnia, which really help. So in answer to your question - no it won't always be like this. You're likely going through a particularly bad time right now. But will you magically be cured and be the same as other seemingly carefree people - it's unlikely, unless you work at and really manage your symptoms on a weekly basis. I think that you need to schedule in a weekly yoga class, a support group, and do a couple of mindfulness/relaxation/short CBT sessions on an app every week. It's about reducing the overall stress in your life and managing your condition. If you are able to do that, then I think that you've got lots to look forward to in life.

Also, whilst panic attacks can be scary, they are unsustainable and come in waves, so each one will end. Also, despite feeling dizzy/lightheaded it's actually impossible to pass out during a panic attack! Knowing that alone really helped me.x

@Hugoslavia

Also, whilst panic attacks can be scary, they are unsustainable and come in waves, so each one will end. Also, despite feeling dizzy/lightheaded it's actually impossible to pass out during a panic attack! Knowing that alone really helped me.x

Thank you, 💐, that’s what NHS 24 keep saying to me, that I won’t die from panic attacks, but I for some stupid reason can’t make my brain believe them . The last really bad attack I had I was shouting down the phone to 999 that I was dying, I genuinely felt like I was, it’s hell and I’m spending every moment terrified that’s going to happen again .

I spend half my day looking up the symptoms of sudden adult death syndrome and am utterly convinced . It’s so so bloody stupid, I know I need to take out my rubbish today - I’ve got 5 black bags of it FFS - but every time I move to doing it I stop and think, I might die when I go out . I don’t understand it anymore, it’s like my brain is broken.

I fully understand what they mean; I’m anxious; so I avoid, but then make myself more anxious, so avoid more, and becoming deconditioned meantime so exercise does make me feel unwell, but I can’t seem to get my stupid brain to accept it when things are bad .

I know the things that are driving the anxiety - things at home are hellish at the moment and I’m extremely lonely and unhappy, but they seem unfixable too . Certainly I can’t fix the problems at home .

Uni counsellor said to go join societies and clubs but what if I have a panic attack there? Or end up on my own anyway … At least at home I can dial 111 .

RE mirtazapine I honestly don’t know if it’s doing anything, it feels more of a ‘downer’ than anything ie keeps me sleepy and drugged type feeling . Used to be on escitalopram which was great, but then I ended up with an allergic reaction so had to come off it . Tried duloxetine and had a bad reaction too, same with sertraline . Psychiatrist said I could in theory add in quetiapine and see how that goes, but I was scared as GP said it can be very sedating indeed .

It just feels like a never ending hell just now.

Ideally what I’d want is someone to come with me to things for a bit, support me to go shopping or for a walk or to uni classes or to do household stuff and to help me keep my thoughts rational but that sort of support probably doesn’t exist really .

just wanted to post to say....that is a bloody cop out from the mental health team. No, you do not need to be suicidal and your GP should ask for a referral to psychiatry. I have a similar diagnosis to you and have paroxetine and mirtazapine together. I remember getting an appointment as a 'one-off' but the psychiatrist can override the decisions of people triaging. Or go through IAPT, play the game, do the 6 sessions, it won't work because it isn't appropriate, you should be stepped up to a full course of CBT and/or EMDR. You could ask your GP about a combination medication, mine did just that, actually being neither suicidal and not responding to 1 antidepressant and having nowhere to send me to worked in my favour. I see GP once a year now and I'm sure he would say I cause him much less of a headache than people bouncing between services which is also equally rotten for the GP and you

I'm so sorry. Fwiw I think cPTSD and OCD can be helped in lots of different ways. If you could afford private therapy I'd say please look into either Schema Therapy or Internal Family Systems. Both are incredible. As you can't, I'd urge you to read what you can about both - that could still get you a long way towards feeling a bit better. There are also therapists on places like TikTok and Instagram giving some really good quality advice for cPTSD in particular which is worth looking up if you haven't already. Carolyn Spring also has a website with lots of information.

I know you feel really bleak but there is hope, even with how much you've already tried. Things can turn around from being really horrendous to life feeling bearable and when they do, you have so much to offer the world as someone who has had a difficult time and learnt all sorts of lessons. Do you have a pet? Getting something you need to care for can help a lot, and I also have a friend with severe PTSD who has found volunteering life changing after years of feeling life would never feel worth living. She just took her time finding the right place to work. There might also be a charity that could give you a support worker to help you get out more so you're not doing it alone.

I'd ask for a referral for EMDR or consider going private for this if an NHS referral isn't possible. Therapists working towards accreditation often take free or heavily discounted clients.

It sounds like you would like a support volunteer? Someone to come and help you feel safe to do the everyday things you need to do.
I wonder if there are charities that can help with that?

When I had a nervous breakdown and my mental health had massively deteriorated, I saw my GP for the millionth time and nothing was getting sorted and I ended up saying "if I don't get help by the end of the week, I will be dead. That is a promise, not a threat" and I meant it.
Within the next 24 hours, I was signed onto the complex needs team and had support workers coming to my home, was assigned a psychiatrist and psychologist and was put on antipsychotics and honestly, my life turned around.

I am in no way suggesting that you attempt suicidal, but telling your dr you're serious about it may get results. Sometimes drastic situations call for drastic measures and you can't keep living like this.
There is a life for you out there where you're mentally healthy and living a fulfilled and happy life but you need support and right now, you are being failed.

I hope beyond hope that you get the help that you need.
I promise you, it can and will get better.

There's some links here to peer support networks, OP - I'm not sure what's available in your area, but it's worth a look to see if one of the peer support or befriending networks is running in your area for extra support day-to-day:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/peer-support/finding-peer-support/#.XZYQPkZKg2w

This link in particular (which I found from the one above) has links to groups in various areas which might be useful www.befriending.co.uk/directory/

Severe mental illness is exhausting and as life-limiting as any other chronic illness. You have my endless sympathy - and my best advice is to keep going and keep advocating for yourself, going back to the GP when options aren't working for you. Be a squeaky wheel - you deserve care and treatment, and you're allowed to keep asking for it when you're not being offered what you need (so ask for medication that will work for you, ask if there are any other treatments available, ask to be re-referred for psychological therapy if you know that works). In your case I'd ask for EMDR too, or trauma-informed therapy given your diagnoses. If they say no, ask what they're basing that on, and who you can speak to about the decision - with your diagnoses and the length of time your conditions have been evident, I would expect you to have been referred to the specialist therapies team/possibly have a support worker from CMHT (my mum had a visit once a week from her support worker for 18 months, for example). Speak to PALS if they won't make that referral.

In terms of not going places out and about in case you have a panic attack and can't call 111: you know rationally (very deep down) you're not going to die from panic attacks, as you have them regularly and are still here. That might sound blunt, but what I mean is: you have experience that tells you something different than what your brain wants you to think. That's a good thing, and when you know your brain is prone to sabotaging you, it can be so, so valuable to be able to hold onto "I have these facts, and none of the negative thought processes my brain goes through make them not true". If you go to a club and you have a panic attack, you won't die, and you know they pass. So you can leave if necessary, and try again another day. You can try 30 times, if that's what's needed - it doesn't have to be all or nothing, you can do what you can (go to a group for 30 minutes, invent an emergency and then leave, to try it out).

Good luck. I've seen first-hand how doubly exhausting being severely mentally ill AND having to advocate so hard for yourself is, but the help is available - you'll just need to shout loudly to get it.

Just as someone with a broken leg deserves to get better and live without pain, or someone with diabetes deserves treatment and monitoring to live as well as possible, you deserve those things. It's a crying shame that the state our health service has been reduced to means you need to be a thorn in the side of the people you speak to to access this help, but keep doing it anyway.

I highly recommend a book by David Veale called overcoming Health anxiety, I have found it extremely helpful.