Feeling flat and lacking motivation

[motivationless]

I've been feeling very flat recently and totally unmotivated especially when it comes to my full time job. This has been going on for a number of years but I guess covid and having to work from home for the last > 1.5 year has really exacerbated things. This is a job that I love and have worked really hard for, it is mentally very taxing and draining but I've never felt as unmotivated as I do now. I just can't muster up the drive to do an honest day of work, I flit between one website and another and cannot get anything done. This is not from lack of ambition, I have oodles of 'fire in the belly' and have/had really high ambitions for where I would end up. But just no motivation.

I have 2 DC, one of whom is a toddler and we had a very long and painful journey to conceive him. He's going to be 3 soon. He's a lot of work and I'm ofcourse finding it very emotionally, mentally and physically draining. The house is a constant tip and I clean non-stop. I've developed a bit of OCD with the cleaning, I was never a clean freak before but given the amount of time I've spent at home over the pandemic, it's constantly on my mind.

To add to all this, DH and I are not getting on well. We generally get along well but the passion is totally gone and I think this happened around the time I had my second DC (who is now almost 3). I recoil at DH touching me in a sexual way and generally find the idea of sexual intimacy with DH really off putting. I don't know what's wrong. I can't tell whether this is just the end of the road for us or if this is a phase and perhaps one that many women go through when they're my age (I'm 39) and after having had the last of their children.

Sorry, a lot of stuff going on and I've dumped it pretty incoherently here.

To summarise: no motivation to work (even though very ambitious and in 'dream' job), little kids and super tired/drained/touched out, and intimacy in marriage gone to zero.

Looking at other forums describing similar issues I wonder if I'm peri-menopausal (am 39) or depressed or just a bit 'stuck in a rut' because of the covid thing?

Wondering if anyone else feels like this.

Could you be suffering from burn out? There's a lot on your plate. I wouldn't underestimate the toll a demanding job, toddler and covid have had on you. It also sounds like you may have had some fertility challenges, which may have also left its mark.

Sex is probably the last thing you want as you're just touched out. Unless there are deeper issues going on in the relationship.

I would give yourself grace and see if you can take some time out, just for you, to recharge. Don't make any drastic decisions.

It could be burn out - though it feels a bit disingenuous to be burnt out when I feel I don't do anything, just aimlessly waste time on social media and have no motivation to tackle work. I'll have the odd bout of productivity and am generally keeping my head above the water (just about) but totally lacking any zest.

Before having DS2 I had ~4 years of infertility struggles and went through no less than eight IVF cycles, after which I managed to conceive him naturally.
With the lack of intimacy, it may be that there are deeper issues but at the moment I can't see through this fog of being constantly tired and touched out and mentally drained (if not from actually working, then feeling guilt for not being productive and my generalised anxiety which makes sure I always have something or other to worry about). DH is understandably upset and is fed up of the constant rejection as he perceives it. We've been talking about separating for a while now but it's such a big step to take and there is a lot of history and a lot of love in the relationship. But intimately, I'm just done.

Apathy can be a symptom of depression. Have you had or would you consider therapy? I wouldn't discount burn out either. You need something to give and to rest.

I can't imagine the toll eight rounds of IVF must have taken on you emotionally. I wonder whether the stress and invasiveness of IVF has also had an impact on your sex life and intimacy more generally.

I say this as someone who's really fucking struggled with feeling utterly expendable throughout the pandemic - YABU. I would take your job in a heartbeat.