Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To not miss my baby

20 replies

Artist19 · 22/10/2021 17:15

Feel like a horrible person for even writing this but just want to see if anyone has felt the same/feels like me...

My dd is nearly 1. She has been staying with her grandparents this week which is the second time she has done this. She is coming home on Sunday and I’m already feeling quite low about this.

I really feel like if I could go back in time and not have her, I would. She is a really amazing, beautiful baby and everyone who meets her loves her. I think I do love her but I just don’t really like my life now. I feel stressed all the time and have an insane amount of stuff to do all the time (I work part time self employed, do all the housework and gardening, organise shopping and cook, most admin on house and look after all our pets on top of looking after her) I have loads of hobbies I enjoy and feel like she just gets in the way of me doing these too. I feel like I’m not cut out to be a mum...

OP posts:

Icebreaker99 · 22/10/2021 17:18

Have you always felt like this since she was born? Sounds like it might be PND, can you speak to your GP/HV (and get some private counciling as well if you can afford it). Have you spoken to your partner about how you are finding no time for yourself? Would they be willing to help you?

Original poster

Artist19 · 22/10/2021 17:22

@Icebreaker99 yeah pretty much but felt like this before she was born, was depressed my whole pregnancy. Dh knows how I feel but not sure he can help. Just feel this deep regret

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 22/10/2021 17:24

To be honest I think you feel like lots of parents do. But when she gets older snd can talk to you and can do some things for herself...you’ll think back to this moment and realise you would not change things. Hang in there it gets easier. Do you have room for an aupair? Worth considering for a few years if you do.

Original poster

Artist19 · 22/10/2021 17:26

@ittakes2 thanks. Yeah I guess just feel like no one understands. No we wouldn’t get an au pair

OP posts:

Hadenough21 · 22/10/2021 17:27

I would really try to see your GP to talk about this and seek treatment for possible PND. As your daughter grows up she will pick up on this feeling and that’s unfair. Why are you doing all the housework, gardening, shopping, cooking etc on top of working part time and looking after your child?? What is your dh doing?! I’d have an honest chat with him about needing more help and dividing up the chores, it can’t all be on one person.

megletthesecond · 22/10/2021 17:29

Oh bless you.
How much parenting and house / life admin is your DH doing? Are you juggling everything you were before and adding a baby to the mix?

WorraLiberty · 22/10/2021 17:29

I feel stressed all the time and have an insane amount of stuff to do all the time (I work part time self employed, do all the housework and gardening, organise shopping and cook, most admin on house and look after all our pets on top of looking after her)

How much does your DH do, or is he the types who 'works 7 days a week' and leaves everything to you?

Icebreaker99 · 22/10/2021 17:30

Have you spoken to anyone professionally about this? I didn't bond with my child until 6 months and didn't fully enjoy her until 18 month, so I know how isolating and awful you can feel, it's a massive taboo and if you haven't lived in you can't understand. Couple of things that really helped, but I'm conscious that they are money reliant is having a cleaner and putting my child in nursery two mornings a week so I had that time to myself. Failing that your partner needs to take on more responsibility, I think you should be investigating if this is depression with a medical professional but also keep in mind that she will grow and you will get time back for yourself.

Tee20x · 22/10/2021 17:30

As PP said, why are you responsible for everything?

Also I think to some extent your feelings are normal in that children esp babies are little energy vampires and literally can suck the life out of you.

Your body has undergone massive changes and you now have a little one who relies on you 24/7. It's not easy at all. Especially given the fact that at 1 they aren't able to communicate really or do anything for themselves, plus it's not so long ago that your life was child free. So easier to compare pre-baby life to what is going on now.

I'd deffo contact the GP just to check that there isn't anything else in the mix in terms of PND, but you're not alone, it's tough & things will get easier.

Clandestin · 22/10/2021 17:35

I think you're projecting your resentment onto the wrong person -- it's not your baby who is making you do all the housework, cooking, shopping and gardening single-handedly. I'd feel depressed if I had to do all that, plus work and look after a baby.

You say you don't know how your partner can help. Easy -- he takes on the cooking and half the housework? Or all laundry, gardening and shopping?

CocaColaTruck1 · 22/10/2021 17:40

I think you do grieve your old life, no matter how old your child is.
You've had a chance to have some time to yourself and you know that's going to change come Sunday.
Get the household jobs shared between you and DH.
Something has to give here I can't believe he's letting you do all of this.
Once you have some weight lifted off your shoulders I think you'll find you have a better balance of everything.

Also wanted to add, I found 12months a hard age, my DC is 3 and I much prefer having a toddler to a newborn/baby.

peachgreen · 22/10/2021 17:43

Honestly OP, I felt this way too for a long time. At least the first year. I did have very bad PND but even after it was treated and I was coping I still felt that way. DD is 3 now and the love of my life, best thing I ever did etc etc. All that good stuff. I wouldn't change her for the world. I never thought if get here but I did, and I believe you will too. Don't be afraid to seek help.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 22/10/2021 17:43

Ah, not everybody gets babies. I think kids are far more enjoyable when they become little people who chatter and ask questions, think about the answers and then their little brow furrows and they say something really perceptive, completely unconnected or just plain hilarious. And they can put food down for the 'safe' animals for you.

Some people warn you that they're only little once and for a very short time. Take that as a promise.

Flowerpowwer6 · 22/10/2021 17:43

Can you afford a day or half a day in nursery and do some of the things you did before having your DD.

I guess it's a hard pill to swallow that your life has changed.

LuchiMangsho · 22/10/2021 17:54

You have a DH problem. Why do YOU do all the housework and the gardening, and I presume a chunk of childcare (if not most of it)? How has DH's life changed since she was born?

LuchiMangsho · 22/10/2021 17:56

For context, I found the first few years of motherhood hard. And I worked FT and I felt constantly on edge and sleep deprived. But what got me through was having a husband who was genuinely an equal parent (even though he earns 3 times what I do). So no I didn't really get time for hobbies because frankly I was too tired but at least I didn't feel like I was in it by myself- we were a team and I felt he had my back.
I suspect your issue is not that you don't have time for your old life but actually his life hasn't changed much and yours has. This is why things are stressful.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/10/2021 17:57

Life is mundane with babies, it gets better.
I didn't bond with my second for a long time but I'd have missed him terrible if he wasn't there.
You have to except it, it's an unhappy childhood when a DM has regrets.

Suzi888 · 22/10/2021 18:15

Well babies can be boring, in all honesty. As cute as they may be, they suck the life out of you sometimes. Promise that she will grow on you though, does she go to nursery? That can give you a break to get things done.

Porcupineintherough · 22/10/2021 18:16

You sound depressed. Maybe you should speak to someone about that?

toocold54 · 22/10/2021 18:18

YANBU I really struggled when mine was so small. Being a parent is hard work and it seeks there aren’t enough hours in the day. I promise it does get easier as they become more independent.

The only advice I have is to try and make time for yourself doing something that you enjoy. It could be having a bath and doing your nails in the evening or you could try and get a babysitter and go to a fitness class once a week.

Flip