Friend struggling with infertility and avoiding me, WWYD?

[marykitty]

My friend Lara (NC) and I have been friends since primary school. I love her so so much and I always felt we were born to be friends, but now we barely speak anymore.

I will put a lot of info on this OP, bare with me, it will be a long one.

After uni we moved to the opposite sides of the country but we kept meeting regularly and have calls every week.

Lara and I got married the same year and we were each other maid of honor. During my honeymoon I found out I was expecting DS. She was really happy for me and told me she would start TTC in the summer (basically 1 year after me). She was supporting me during my PND and PTSD due to bad delivery. When DS was still a newborn she told me that she had lost a baby. She was TTC since only a couple of months at that time.

Since then we spoke a lot about her TTC, IUI and IVF journey and I spoke less and less about my DS because I wanted to focus on her and did not want to make her suffer or else. We spoke about her checkups, our jobs, house reno, friends, gossip etc. She was never asking about DS so I avoided the topic. We were always meeting without him and I guess I was sort of hiding the reality of my life, because, let's admit it, my DS is the central focus of my life and I had to really push myself to avoid mentioning him, but I managed good.

Fast forward few years later and I am pregnant again, actually due in circa 1 week with DD.
I dreaded telling her, I know this made her feel really bad. Since then our calls were fewer and fewer and she stopped giving me updates on her TTC journey. I told her I did not want to push her and that she could decide if she wanted to speak about it or not, I would have always be there for her whenever she wanted to open about it. We never spoke about my pregnancy during these months. I felt our calls became more and more "superficial", the type of conversation you have with someone you know since only few weeks, and always going around the same "easy topics" such as work etc

The tipping point was couple of months ago at a wedding. I was heavily pregnant, the wedding was of a mutual primary school friend. I am not very social media friendly so a lot of people did not know I was pregnant and had a DS already.
We were bridesmaid, dressed in the same dress, and I was there, looking like a whale and running after my toddler, next to her. Of course a lot of people came to me for congratulations and asking how I was doing etc. I tried to minimize the talk if she was around but it was difficult.
I also think she was hit by the reality of me being a very involved mum. My DS is very cuddly and in a big mum phase.

Since then she is avoiding me. I texted her few times but she is always cutting our conversations short and we never manage to speak on the phone.

I miss her so so much and I feel so so sorry for the struggles she is facing. I know I will never understand completely, but I want to be there for her.
I wonder what I did wrong, what else can i do to make her feel better, I feel like I am failing her.

My DH thinks I should give her time and she will come back once she is pregnant but what if this never happens? Or happens in several years? I cannot let her go.

WWYD? What can I do? Am I being selfish wanting her close to me?

I think you have to accept that she may not want your support just now.

I miss her so so much and I feel so so sorry for the struggles she is facing. I know I will never understand completely, but I want to be there for her. if she wants you to

You could message or write to her to say this

You’re not being selfish wanting to spend time with her, but neither is she in not wanting that at the moment. I withdrew from pretty much all of my friends while struggling with infertility, I just couldn’t handle it. I came off all social media, removed myself from any group chats etc and was very lonely but I just couldn’t deal with the emotions talk of babies, pregnancy, scan photos etc brought up for me. Not everyone reacts that way, but I did. It wasn’t forever and I’m not sure any of the friendships have got back to being the same as they were before, but we are friends again.

It was never about them or anything that they’d said or done wrong. It was about me, what I was going through and what I had to do to cope with that situation.

Give her time and space. Let her go for a while. If your friendship is strong she will come back.

I don't need to tell you this but it is a very shitty thing your friend is going through. I haven't struggled with infertility myself, i have 2 dc and I had one mc and even then I struggled with other people getting pregnant around me so I can't imagine what it must be like for people with ongoing struggles. I'm sure you did all you could at the wedding but tbh there's nothing else you can really do- you can't stop talking about your dc and pregnancy altogether with everyone.

It's not selfish to want to be close to your friend again but being friends with you may be more than she is able to handle. It may be that the wedding was too upsetting for her. All you can do is try and be there for her which you obviously are but don't keep pushing her to meet up or talk to you (not saying you are doing this). I had a similar situation with a friend although we were not as close as you, we didn't really speak for a couple of years and we are now in touch again. This may happen with your friend or it may not.

for both of you

Didn't bother to read all of that. Leave her be. Weirdly intense.

Leave her be. She’s grieving.

Let her grieve.

She'll come back when she's ready.

Friendship goes both ways and she hasn't been a good friend to you if you have to hide the biggest part of your life. The world doesn't revolve around her TTC journey and you've been very thoughtful and accommodating.

One of my close friends went through a divorce. She fell off the face of the earth and stopped talking. I just left her. A mutual friend didn't and took it personally. She lost her mind saying she wanted to be there for her etc etc.

Friend came back eventually to me and things are normal. She has given other friend a very wide berth indeed. Respect someone's wishes.

Hi, to start off I just want to say you sound like you have been incredibly caring and considerate toward your friend and you definitely can’t be faulted for her deciding to take a step back. It is something she clearly needs to do for her own mental health and well-being. I understand you want her to be close to you but she probably doesn’t have that to give at the minute and for that reason it would be selfish (although understandable) to want her near you when it is likely harming her mentally (through absolutely no fault of yours). I am also in the middle of considerable fertility struggles and it is very difficult to be around pregnant women in general.

It’s also made so much more difficult by how infertility is an invisible illness.

If you break your leg no one is going to expect you to keep showing up and trying to run the Saturday 5k park run with a broken leg. People will actually insist you don’t do it, you need to rest, you need to take care of yourself, can they do some shopping for you, how are you getting home if you can’t drive etc etc.

For people struggling with infertility being around pregnant women or children can take a huge mental toll yet we are expected to keep showing up to baby showers, christening, asking friends about their children, hearing how they are feeling in pregnancy etc to maintain their friendships, be positive and not take it out on our friends. All while also keeping our jobs going without sick leave for our illness, caring for other family members etc etc and the more hormones and medications you are on, the more times fertility treatment fails the bigger the toll of being around pregnancies and babies gets and trying to function normally in life gets. I have tried my hardest to maintain my friendships and now they are slipping a little but I have to put what little energy I have left into myself. I hope they will be there still and understand when I either get pregnant or come to terms with it not happening.

I would maybe text or if you can afford send her a little gift saying you understand she is taking a step back and you are there for her if she ever needs you. Trust me she is probably very upset at taking a step back too. No one wants to feel lonely and isolated from their friends on top of their infertility struggles but sometimes it’s the only option. I’d be hopeful she will come back to you. In the meantime focus on and enjoy your lovely family.

Maybe you could suggest afternoon tea or lunch just the two of you down the line when your new baby is older.

I’ve been in your friend’s position. It is so hard seeing everyone else getting the thing you want more than anything. I had to completely remove myself from any situation where I might see pregnant people or babies or toddlers, and shut down all my social media.
Tell her you love her, and you’re really really sorry that this is happening to her. And that you’ll be there for her no matter what, even if she can’t handle seeing you for a while. And then wait it out.
You sound like a lovely friend, and eventually she’ll get to a better place and be able to resume the friendship.
I wasn’t able to have children and it took almost ten years until I could deal with babies again. Now I’m mostly ok - though still heartbroken, I can hang out with kids again.
Just let her know you’re still there for her.

@Patapouf

Friendship goes both ways and she hasn't been a good friend to you if you have to hide the biggest part of your life. The world doesn't revolve around her TTC journey and you've been very thoughtful and accommodating.

This biggest thing in the OP’s life is the one thing her friend desperately wants and can’t have. Do you really not understand what she is going through?

Am I being selfish wanting her close to me?

Gently meant - yes, you are. You can sympathise but you have no real idea of what she’s going through.

Let her be.

Your friend is going through a grieving process which takes times. There's alot of feelings such as loss of her dreams/family which are painful to deal with. I would let her know that you are there for her but would respect her need for space.

OP you sound like a very caring friend. I'm sorry you are feeling so upset & conflicted at a time when you should be feeling nothing but excitement.

I have been in your friend's position and it is the shittiest thing to experience, as you can clearly see from your friend's behaviour. From my own perspective, I honestly found it physically painful to be in a room with babies and young children. I went through a period of having to avoid my friends with young children because I felt I just didn't have it within me to be happy for them and listen to their baby chat. I know that sounds horribly self-centred but TTC with primary or secondary infertility is all consuming for many women. Not only the constant round of waiting for ovulation/2WW/testing but the questions, advice & "a friend of a friend got pregnant by..." anecdotes from well-meaning friends & family; and, my own personal pet-hate, the sad-face head-tilters who without saying a word literally filled me with rage. All of my feelings in these situations were probably grossly unfair and unjustified but you are grieving and there is no rationalising grief.

Give her time. Continue to be supportive by letting her know you are there. A card might be more suitable than a text or email. Maybe it's just me but somehow a few written words seem more meaningful than a digital message.

Leave her be, give her time, and when she hopefully texts you with a scan picture or phones you with good news, be thrilled and happy for her and pick up where you left off.

Infertility is soul destroying and consuming. It's genuinely not about you, it's about her and her struggling to cope with her emotions.

I was pregnant at the same time as a friend, discussed pregnancy, were excited together etc. My baby died and hers was born healthy. I couldn't be anywhere near her because it killed me.

Let her go. I struggled through infertility while a friend had children. It wasn't just the difficulty of being infertile, it was also a natural drifting apart as our lives went in different directions. Just leave her be. She can contact you if she wants to.

I am where your friend is. Miscarriages, IVF, completely miserable and alone in this (apart from DH of course). I use my mental energy pretending to be normal for work and my family, as they would be devastated to see how low I really am. I don't have anything left.

Even just seeing a text from you could be a reminder that you have had so easily what she desperately wants. I have found that those you have children without any struggle have no idea of the pain and suffering we are experiencing on a daily basis.

You sound like you want to be a good friend, but for now maybe that means taking a step back and acknowledging that you are not the right person to support her through this.

Ah that's a tough situation.

She just needs a little space. It wouldn't hurt to let her know you're missing her and count her as a very dear friend.

I hope she comes back to you one day and you can have that close friendship again. But it's always tough when 2 people are in v different places.

@Dochas121 that is one of the most thoughtful and spot on posts I’ve ever read on mumsnet. Thank you

You are being a bit selfish. I'm where she is. Desperate for a child and dealing with miscarriages and infertility and trying to decide what medical pathway to go down or adoption or none.

It hurts when people talk about their children or post photos on social media. Yes I'm pleased for them but it's viscerally painful to see people with the thing you want most in the world.

It's not personal; it's not your fault, but your very presence and lifestyle is causing her pain. Would you want to cause her pain? Of course the conversations are superficial right now because to open herself up means taking away the carefully constructed scaffold that's holding all the pain and anger and unfairness in.

Be kind to her. Let her lead this for now. Let her know you're there for her and you get how this must be so hard for her and then let her come to you if she wants to and can handle it.

She can't be friends with you because she's bitter with jealousy.
If she manages to have a baby she will probably try to connect with you again.
There's nothing you can do but wait it out.

I hope you can get past this, OP, but be prepared that you might not. My BF miscarried twice while I was pregnant and it was devastating. Like you, I did everything I could to be as supportive as possible, never mentioning my pregnancy in front of her and even trying to disguise my bump under clothes. When my DD was born I accepted the fact she didn't want to meet her straight away and it was six weeks after her birth before she did. But as the months went by I started to get a bit upset that she was acting as though my DC didn't exist. When I gently brought it up she said she couldn't be around babies, but then would put pix of herself having lunch with other friends and theirs, so it was obviously just my baby that was the problem. The crunch came when my DP suddenly became acutely ill when our baby was only four months old and my friend said she couldn't support me because it would mean being around our child. That was the final straw – it was a life and death situation for my DP (who was good friends with her too, they'd worked together) and she couldn't put aside her feelings for even half an hour to check how I was. Our friendship never recovered.

@Phoebesgift

She can't be friends with you because she's bitter with jealousy. If she manages to have a baby she will probably try to connect with you again. There's nothing you can do but wait it out.

Not necessarily true at all.

I'm not bitter. But it is painful to see people with something you want but can't have. Why out myself in a situation that triggers overwhelming grief and pain.

We're not talking someone who just wants a baby but hasn't trued yet. We're talking about someone dealing with loss, intensive fertility treatment and all the emotional rollercoaster that entails.

She hasn’t chosen this. There’s nothing she’d love more than taking her child to the park with you and yours. It’s truly not personal OP.