Weird bridesmaid’s boyfriend

[Peridotty]

I got married 2 years ago so old story but played on my mind a few times.
On the morning of the wedding, I had a minivan pick up my bridesmaids and me from our hotels to the venue to get ready.
I invited my bridesmaid’s boyfriend to the wedding because they were coming from overseas and they could have a holiday after the event together. I don’t know him well, met him once and he is a very silent character. Only spoke to my friend and not to me. He has a very narrow interest (trains).
On the morning of the wedding he came with me and my bridesmaids in the minivan to the venue to get ready.
He then sat in the bedroom in the corner for the whole morning, not doing anything as we were getting changed and doing our hair and makeup. It was just him + me + 3 bridesmaids.
He didn’t utter a single word. He is extremely quiet and may have aspergers?
The photographer was there taking photos. I really didn’t want him to be in my photos because it would look really weird.
He wasn’t dressed up or anything- wore a sports jacket and sat in the corner just staring at us or looking at his phone.
When I was about to get undressed and get into my wedding dress he had to be prompted to leave the room! He would not have thought to otherwise. He was just staring into space when I said I had to get dressed now (pointedly at him). My bridesmaid had to tell him to leave and he said ‘Oh!!’ Like he didn’t think about it.
He nearly forgot that he had to be in the room with all my guests before I walked down the aisle. I had to get staff to escort him to the other room and have a golf buggy take him. He nearly had to walk down the aisle with us!!!
He was so weird and it was weird that my friend wanted him there, right?

[Saucery]

What’s with all the threads taking faux-innocent potshots at men/people with ASD recently?

[Figgit]

Gosh. I feel very sorry for this man. Poor bloke.
Did one of you really not think to ask someone who wasn’t part of the immediately wedding party to take him under their wing while you were all getting ready.
However awkward you felt, OP, I bet he felt a whole lot more awkward.

[FreshFreesias]

@CustardySergeant I’m to sure if you’ve been married but it is very mean-spirited to victim shame a bride for being a bad host. There is a lot going on on your wedding day and many, many interactions and it’s unfair to blame a bride for a socially awkward guest.

[Peridotty]

@Saucery this thread didn’t mean to be about autism actually, I mentioned it because it felt it was relevant. I was talking about my experience of having him being in the room on my wedding day because I think about it from time to time and just wanted to know what others thought.

[Practicebeingpatient]

What @Soupseason said.

Poor man. Dragged along with a load of women he didn't know and then sat in the corner of a room with nothing to do while they all did things that were of zero interest to him and chatted away in his second language. Why didn't his girlfriend suggest he wait in the bar or at reception or out in the garden? And as for not talking , he might have been shy or bored or just felt hugely uncomfortable. I know I would have done.

I like trains too.

[Pythonista]

[quote Peridotty]@Pythonista have sometimes wondered if I was autistic although I have done tests to show I am not.[/quote]
You know it's not that simple, right?

[Pythonista]

It wasn't meant to be about autism?

So the He didn’t utter a single word. He is extremely quiet and may have aspergers? wasn't you? Or the 'lol me'? When apparently he didn't speak much English.

The faux suggestion of autism and then the 'well I could be but a magic test said I wasn't' is so fucking transparent

[Pythonista]

Did you think you had autism because you like trains?

[Chikapu]

[quote Peridotty]@Chikapu www.autismspeaks.org/expert-opinion/what-it-about-autism-and-trains-0[/quote]
I was being sarcastic, no links necessary.

[Pythonista]

I am surprised that you had time on your wedding day to armchair diagnose a complex condition

[GatoradeMeBitch]

I really wasn't aware that an appreciation of trains was a signifier of Aspergers.

I have Asperger's. At any social As thing I've been to, there have always been trainspotters. Often full on foamers. I don't think I've ever encountered a train fan who wasn't either autistic or a small child.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Your bridesmaid put you in an awkward position. You should have been firm with her, but on the other hand not many people would be expecting that a random boyfriend would jump into the bride's transport and follow them into the dressing room. You were caught on the hop. Just one of those things really. I hope he didn't end up guest starring in too many pictures.

[Pythonista]

'Full on foamers'???!

[Peridotty]

@Pythonista no I didn’t think I had autism because I like trains. I just thought there was a chance since it runs in my family.

[TheChip]

I dont think I would have behaved much differently in his shoes. It would be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable being in a different country, surrounded by groups of people who know each other. Your only options being to stay with your girlfriend in a group you don't know, or a larger group of groups you don't know. Id choose the girlfriend.
She probably brought him without thinking too much about how awkward it would have been for him.

[OtterAndDog]

Are they still together ?

[Pythonista]

[quote Peridotty]@Pythonista no I didn’t think I had autism because I like trains. I just thought there was a chance since it runs in my family.[/quote]
Are all those in your family 'weird' then?

If you have experience of it, I am surprised that you think completely in stereotypes.

[Peridotty]

@OtterAndDog yes they are together and they are planning to get married soon (v small wedding with just immediate family).

[Peridotty]

@Pythonista
Is my dad socially awkward? Yes
Does he have narrow intense interests? Yes
Does he do eye contact? Sometimes
Does he have meltdowns? Yes

I’m sure there will be people who find him weird yes.

[MorrisZapp]

Referring to your (presumably) close friend as 'my bridesmaid' two years after your wedding is the weird bit to me.

She was your bridesmaid for one day.

[RootinandTootin]

I need a follow up are they still together? Why didn’t your friend say anything at all to him or you after? I would find that super awkward. What a first impression

[Pythonista]

Hopefully they wouldn't be crass enough to say that though.

[Servalan]

I don't think it's beyond the realms of possibility that this chap may be on the autistic spectrum - the description reminded me of a couple of people I know on the autistic spectrum and how they handle social situations - but by no means all of the autistic people that I know. Autism is a spectrum after all and if you've met one autistic person, you've met - one autistic person.

Autism diagnosis has a criteria going beyond "is quiet" and "likes trains" though - so it's not a given.

Just a couple of things

"Aspergers" is not a term used anymore. Hans Asperger as a figure has garnered some controversy of late. Also, it feeds into the idea of autism being "high functioning" or "low functioning" which gives a skewed, ableist, linear idea of what autism is, as opposed to it being a spectrum.

Someone of a different neurotype to yourself isn't "weird". They are a different neurotype to yourself. Autistic people are not defective.

People may be autistic, but they do not "have autism". It isn't a disease.

[Pythonista]

How much of the last two years have you spent obsessing thinking about this?

[Pythonista]

I wish I had had the insight of some of the people of this thread before I went to all the hassle of going a considerable distance (on the train, although I hate trains, bizarrely) to go to assessments