AIBU to ditch half my friends? Because of the pandemic (partly)?

[CherryBlossomAutumn]

Does anyone else feel like this? I’ve just unfriended 50 people that I used to know quite well from Facebook and told 5 of my best friends that I can’t visit them anymore.

I am wondering whether I am just being a bit hurt and petty, or whether I’m empowering myself… ?

This pandemic has really bought a lot into focus, and friendships are one of them. Just for context, I’m 45, have a child with pretty severe SN (which restricts a lot of my time), am going through a rough divorce and live a bit remotely. I realised despite my restricted time, how much of an effort I made for many friends, because I guess I’m isolated and they are on the whole in good marriages, surrounded by sets of friends.

The pandemic has hit hard, as I’ve been stuck with Ex and little respite. Last week, someone who I thought was quite a good friend, had her wedding and I wasn’t invited. Ouch. I saw pictures of everyone, people who were a big part of my life, and who I would have dearly loved to have seen all together. This bride has many friends, so in one way understandable, but still, it did really hurt as she is part of two separate ‘groups’ of people who all know me and her very well, and I was the only one excluded.

I’ve decided that although I really need and want my friends, I’ve become the one who is the ‘outsider’ partly because I no longer fit in well enough. And I’ve decided that it’s better off not looking on the outside anymore, seeing photos of everyone starting to meet up and be normal but forgetting me is just too much.

I have a small group of friends who have kept in touch, although I think we probably at the ‘odd ones’ as in one whose husband died tragically, the other has a chronic illness. But we really value each other. AIBU? Am I going to regret cutting off these friends? I really don’t think they will care that much or even notice I am gone, but will I regret it?!

Or their lines are

Also a fellow single mum with a SEN child…. Which I find interesting…

Not a single mum but kid with SEN too. Seems to be a bit of a recurring theme...

Or their lines are

yes

@FateHasRedesignedMost I think you have misread some of my post. Despite having DS with severe SN, I have visited everyone regularly! I’m really good at making the effort. Often with DS (and it’s hard work to manage it but I do). The last time these X friends visited me was 5 years ago. (I have 2 friends who do visit, so of course will continue to visit them).

I’ve responded to all invitations with the wedding party gang, have done for years, and been along to most of them. Which has meant prioritising them when Ex has DS (which isn’t that often).

The wedding was in the last month. And my decision to stop responding to invites and visit those who don’t visit me in the last week, so after wedding.

I often don’t share difficulties, but I’m afraid that it’s too much for people to be honest. I use that time with them to have fun. It’s just happened that the people I have left are the ones with difficulties, and I wonder if it’s because our friendship is based around genuine connection to each other? The difference is that we make equal effort for each other.

Honestly I think I can have fun with anyone, I can go out and strike up with someone I don’t know and have a ball. I think what kept me going with the wedding people and the ‘X’ friends who don’t visit, is that I thought we have something deeper than just fun, I thought they valued me enough to either invite to the wedding or visit me too sometimes. I was wrong and I need to wake up to it. I also feel like I’ve encourage DS to connect with friends and their kids when there is not loyalty or reciprocity, and that’s not great for him, he needs people who get to know him well too.

@crankysaurus yes I didn’t explain well perhaps in my first post. I guess I have
Group A) Wedding party - these are mainly the 50 people I unfriended. The bride is a real lynch pin to two main groups which make up this 50 people, and there are 3 people in those groups I am closest to, bride being one of them. It’s not other’s fault I wasn’t invited, but honestly I wasn’t missed by those 50, and none of them cared.

No one will even notice I think. There are 2 people who went who I have a bond with and I will keep up with them separately instead, even though I think it’s made it more tricky, already they’ve avoided me a bit partly because of feeling embarrassed I guess about the wedding.

B) 5 really good friends I’ve had for years. Haven’t visited me in 5 years. I’ve visited them all at least twice a year (and some a lot more). I did politely tell them that I’d love to keep up, but that I have a lot on my plate and can’t visit them anymore but they are welcome to visit or call.

@crankysaurus and @Capricornandproud solidarity to parents with SEN children! Maybe we can be friends!

Yes I do think it’s a factor. Everyone wants to feel that they are compassionate people with a social conscience, however in practice… one of the 5 I’ve stopped visiting is from school days, and has a good heart. She actually heads up a charity, and has wanted to be a good friend. However her life just revolves around her and keeping up with me is now outside of her ‘sphere’. It’s outside of mine too but I want to meet in the middle. I’ve had to make my own bed, safety proof our room, and then she says how exhausting it is for her with visitors and her kids, and could I help cook, and the day I visit she has a country outing with 20 friends but ‘you won’t mind will you coming along’…

I do think it’s easier if we don’t have any ‘difficulties’. My good friend above for example regularly goes on family shared holidays with a couple of other friends from school, who I know are nowhere near as close, but they have ‘normal families’ and I guess it’s easier than her, her husband and kids going away with the ‘single mum with SEN child’

I think it’s perfectly fine that you stop being the one making the effort as that sounds tiring. However, IME it does seem to be the natural way of things and I wouldn’t necessarily take it to mean that those friends care less than you.
I’m sure that the wedding thing must’ve been upsetting but it was only the bride in charge of the guest list not the whole group(s)!
Are you sure you’re not cutting off your nose to spite your face though? There was no need to take positive action by unfriending people and actually messaging them to end things! I’m sure this retaliation felt good at the time but I think it would’ve been better to let things run their natural course. What if one of these people happens to move your village and you’ve already burnt the bridge!

YANBU, at all. What was their reaction, OP?

@SweetBabyCheeses99 yes I did wonder about the unfriending 50 people, I will miss out on future events. But during the pandemic there were several ‘pre wedding’ things without me, they made a hen whatsapp group, they had zoom calls, they put up lots of posts in the last 2 years saying how excited they were, how it was ‘the event where everyone would be reunited’ and it was. I just can’t stomach being part of the wider group anymore, it’s humiliating. Two friends from there I have kept up with, kind of, they’ve avoided me but I got in touch to ask to meet up and they said they’d love to.

The 5 people I said I’m not visiting it’s all came up naturally in conversation recently. It’s because I visited some people (the ones who also reciprocated over the years) in the summer for the first time in 1.5 years, including family. They heard and 5 asked me to visit them, I think it hit home because of the pandemic I hadn’t done my regular visits. When I said I couldn’t visit, most of them kept on at me, saying oh well you will get back to it in 2022 so I eventually said - sorry I’m not able to do this for like, a couple of years at least it’s too much for me, please visit me instead.

@pelosi one of my very dear friends from school, when it got through that I wasn’t going to visit this year, next year, or the year after, she quickly said ‘oh perhaps I could visit you with my daughter’ to which I ws really pleased and said ‘yes, sounds fantastic, you can have your own room, we can do things you enjoy, I’ll pamper you… ‘ and then in half an hour she changed her mind. and asked for a zoom call instead. Which she then forgot about and we had a hurried half hour where I felt like I had to be ‘very entertaining’ to cheer her up. So… not sure that one is going to survive. I did think she was my best friend. Realised, somewhat late, that I’ve been replaced by several others all who live near.

The facebook friends won’t notice at all. Perhaps the bride might. I did message her though and sent a genuine congratulations, despite the fact that I”m way lower in her list of people than I thought, she deserves happiness and has a lovely guy, I’ve known her when she was really quite lonely without a partner for many years, saw her a lot then, so I told her all that and she got back and said she really appreciated it. I doubt our paths will cross again, but at least it’s left on a better note than ‘not invited’!

Yanbu.

The two friends you have can be "enough" hopefully some of the five will visit you.

I won't say I know how u can make new friends but what will be different is they will meet the you now. This is who I am. this is me. Not an older version of the school girl that doesn't fit into an easy friend bubble.

Best of luck sounds tough xx

I would feel the same as you about not being invited to the wedding.

I remember something similar when a good friend of mine had a huge party that over 50 people were invited to. She told me about it the next time we saw each other and described the invitees as her closest friends. Fucking 50 close friends (how does one manage that?), and I didn't make the list.

I ended that friendship because someone who doesn't see me as in their top 50 friends isn't worth the friendship.

Thanks. @Chocaholic9 yeah that’s really it isn’t it - 50 close friends and not invited… sorry I completely get why you ended it. I wonder do some people just make you feel like a great friend, but really put little or no effort in?

Really feel for you OP, I'd have cried too seeing all the pictures, definitely nothing to be ashamed about

I think the problem is most friends are really just acquaintances, fair weather friends or drinking buddies. People don't realise until something happens to highlight it. Like the Pandemic. Which is why a lot of people are suddenly realising they don't have as many friends as they thought they did.

If you have even 1 or 2 real friends in this world you are truly blessed.

Thanks @Needtostopfretting
@Poptart4 it’s made me realise I need to treat the friends who do reciprocate like gold. Because it’s rare enough and I want them to feel appreciated!

Appreciate you stopped visiting after the wedding photos, sorry I misunderstood that part.

I think it’s great you have a handful of close loyal friends. We all need those.

I also think a wider circle of friends is beneficial too, even if you don’t stay at each other’s houses or go to intimate events like weddings. If you enjoy their company and have things in common it seems a shame to block them all.

I wouldn’t set too much store by staying over to visit. In my student days we all slept at each other’s houses, often on the sofa or a duvet on the floor! Nowadays most of us have kids and it just isn’t practical. I worry about my DS misbehaving or being noisy or disruptive at a friend’s house, or their kids trashing my house or not getting on. Then there’s all the packing and travelling with young children.

I like my home comforts nowadays! If I wake at 5am and feel like a coffee I don’t want to creep around in the dark wondering if my hosts mind. Or showering in someone else’s bathroom. One of my good friends has 3 cats and the guestroom is always covered in cat hair, the cats are allowed on the kitchen surfaces, I can’t bring myself to stay over.

We compromise with day trips (usually blissfully child free so we can chat uninterrupted), sometimes travelling to a city halfway for long distance friends. And we holiday together, getting cottages or lodges next to each other so we can all spend time having fun with the kids, yet have our own space too. Visiting isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, no matter how much they care about you.

Yeah it’s rubbish when you realise you’re the ‘filler friend’. Possibly ok for big group meet ups but never one on one or much smaller group gatherings. I’ve cut out at least three people for that. I’ve now got a small group of friends that is just enough for me. My best mate and I have been friends for 25 years 😂 Pretty impressive I’d say.

@BigYellowHat friends for 25 years! That’s pretty special and irreplaceable. Yes I just don’t have the capacity to be a filler friend anymore.
@FateHasRedesignedMost thanks, I do get your point about visiting, it’s a real hassle and it’s a relief in some ways to stop most visits. They won’t share holidays either, or meet in the middle and rarely FaceTime. You sound like you do take care of long distance friends and meet half way, good for you, wish my 5 friends were like you!

I think I must be some Vulcan. I don't have any great regrets about the natural ebb and flow of people in and out of my life. I love having around but certainly don't need people. You are just at a different point now Op. It will all come back round. New friends will come about.

@HappyDays40 thanks, you don’t sound like a Vulcan. It’s actually a bit of a relief not to be feeling sidelined, I’m not a needy person but it made me feel as if I had to be grateful for friend crumbs, which isn’t a great feeling! Roll on the new.