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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel guilty for being ill?

25 replies

Covidsucks · 22/10/2021 08:51

I've fallen ill and have been in hospital for a week. Prior to this I did everything for the 2 DC and ran the household and worked, my DP was living the high life of having everything done for him, not worrying about childcare and coming and going as he like because I did it all.

Now this has hit him like a tonne of bricks, 2dc to look after, eldest is very independent but youngest doesn't sleep well (which I've dealt with every night since they were born) and he has never had to entertain a toddler all day long. He has a short temper and I can imagine there has been alot of stress/shouting.

Aibu to be sitting in hospital feeling massively guilty that I am not home?

OP posts:

HeyDugeesCakeBadge · 22/10/2021 08:52

Don't feel guilty. Rest and hope this has been a lesson to him and he will be more of a partner in future.

Returnoftheowl · 22/10/2021 08:54

Don't feel guilty. He's got away this long not pulling his weight... He needed the wake up call.

AutumnLeafy · 22/10/2021 08:57

Don't feel guilty. He should have stepped up ages ago.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2021 09:01

You should only feel guilty for letting him opt out of parenting till now. I think you know that. How’s it fair on your DC to have a parent who’s so disengaged he can’t look after his kids without shouting?

This is incredibly disingenuous.

Hopefully once you’re better things can become more fair and even. It’s not just who’s missing out, it’s shit for the kids and he’s not really doing parenting.

Salayes · 22/10/2021 09:07

I can understand you may feel worried the kids aren’t getting their usual standard of parenting because of you doing it all but please don’t feel guilty. This should be a wake up call to your husband and to you. It’s not sustainable for you to be working and doing everything while he doesn’t step up. Perhaps this can end up being a bit of a blessing in disguise as he realises how much you do and it will lead to a more equitable sharing of the load for your family.

Hope you feel better soon.

JSL52 · 22/10/2021 09:18

It sounds like he needs a kick up the arse.
Get wells soon.

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/10/2021 09:22

Is this a trick question? Don’t feel guilty. Feel glad he’s getting a taste of real life (and have a talk about making proper changes in your relationship going forward). Get well soon

LannieDuck · 22/10/2021 09:29

It's only unreasonable if you go back to doing it all when you get out. You know he'll try and hand it all back over as soon as he can.

This needs to be a reset in your relationship where he starts to pull his weight fairly. If you both work FT, that probably means doing half of the chores/childcare.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/10/2021 09:36

Now that he has hands on experience he can continue to help.
Yanbu.
Remind him it is as hard on you when you were doing it all, if anything he should be appreciating you far more.
It is shameful how men get away with the easy life in too many households.

Original poster

Covidsucks · 22/10/2021 11:04

Thank you, I know you are all right, thing is I KNOW it will go straight back to normal when I am out of here, so lesson won't have been learnt.

It's just hard to relax and focus on getting better when all I'm worried about is how he is coping and getting multiple texts telling me how he is struggling!

OP posts:

JSL52 · 22/10/2021 12:19

@Covidsucks

Thank you, I know you are all right, thing is I KNOW it will go straight back to normal when I am out of here, so lesson won't have been learnt.

It's just hard to relax and focus on getting better when all I'm worried about is how he is coping and getting multiple texts telling me how he is struggling!

Reply to every text 'I know I do it every day' Nothing else. Things will need to change , don't LET him go back to how it was before. At the very least stop doing things for him. When you go home and it's chaos , get a cleaning agency in to help get it back into order.

CremeEggThief · 22/10/2021 12:24

I hope you get well soon, and feeling guilty about being ill won't help with that, but you were unreasonable to enable the situation to develop and you would be unreasonable to go back to it after you get out of hospital.

CremeEggThief · 22/10/2021 12:26

Why not turn your phone off too? Tell him it was doctor's orders, if he asks.

LagunaBubbles · 22/10/2021 12:30

Thank you, I know you are all right, thing is I KNOW it will go straight back to normal when I am out of here, so lesson won't have been learnt

I'm sorry you are unwell but in this case you are your own worse enemy. And will be back on MN when things go wrong or are too much for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2021 12:34

Why will it go back to normal? Do you enjoy being a martyr?

How attractive can you find a man who’s chosen not to learn how to care for his children? Do you think it’s fair on them given the piss poor job he’s apparently doing while you’re ill?

What if you became disabled or died? Would he buck up his ideas or give them up?

You’ve jointly created this set up. It’s ridiculous. Stop acting like you don’t have options.

Iggly · 22/10/2021 12:37

@Covidsucks

Thank you, I know you are all right, thing is I KNOW it will go straight back to normal when I am out of here, so lesson won't have been learnt.

It's just hard to relax and focus on getting better when all I'm worried about is how he is coping and getting multiple texts telling me how he is struggling!

You need to take responsibility for your health and also show your children a proper role model. This means having a serious talk with your DP about the split of responsibility.

It’s not fair to your children either - they’ll be having a worse time if your DP isn’t able to cope. So that needs changing.

timeisnotaline · 22/10/2021 12:37

Why should it go back to ‘normal’? Your life destiny is not to be an unpaid invalided slave to this man. He’s a parent too.
How about replying you do realise I’ve done everything you are doing now on my own for a long time and that will all change now, you need to step up as a parent. If I’d said this before you wouldn’t be struggling so much now as this wouldn’t be your first real parenting.

Think about it this way - if you’re ever sick again your dh will be a better dad to your kids while you’re away.

SummerInSun · 22/10/2021 12:39

Because something like this could happen is the best reason for not doing absolutely everything yourself - what if (heaven forbid!) you were in an accident that killed you and he had to cope alone without even being able to ask you for guidance?

This is actually the best thing that could have happened - hopefully he'll do more in the future (you really should insist!) but at the very least he should have a renewed appreciation and respect for everything you do.

Don't feel guilty. If he feeds them on pizza and toast and no-one's hair is brushed for 2 weeks and they watch too much TV, it doesn't matter at all. The important thing is that their mum gets well, which you can only do if you relax and rest. Remember the mantra "if everyone is fed, and no-one is dead, at the end of the day, the day has been a success". Might help to tell him that too!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/10/2021 12:40

If you think his short temper puts the kids in danger can you find additional care? Otherwise fuck him, why you do it all is beyond me.

madisonbridges · 22/10/2021 12:41

Why will you let it go back to normal? If you're not happy how things were before, why are you even contemplating going back to that? Your husband treats you in the way you allow him to.

Brefugee · 22/10/2021 12:49

Thank you, I know you are all right, thing is I KNOW it will go straight back to normal when I am out of here, so lesson won't have been learnt.

well, that will be down to you, won't it? Answer all the texts with noncommittal replies that aren't helpful "oh dear that sounds stressful" or whatever.

And don't let it get back to "normal" when you get back. You have to be firm on this or it will be miserable

Winniewonka · 22/10/2021 12:54

Next time he says he is struggling say "Welcome to my world!, I do all this and work too. When I get out of hospital, things will have to change and you'll have to start doing more"
This is a golden opportunity for you, DON'T let things slip back to normal. Make a list dividing up housework and child care. He's not going to change voluntarily unless you push him. He's a partner not another child for you to look after.
Tell him you will end up back in hospital through exhaustion if he doesn't pull his weight.
Switch your phone off now for a few hours. Do this every day whilst you're in hospital.

Knittedfairies · 22/10/2021 13:23

I'm sorry you've been so unwell that you've been hospitalised for a week, but don't waste the opportunity you've been given to let your DP realise just how much you do. I think many women have had fantasies of being elsewhere for a week or so to give husbands and partners a reality check...

Get well soon, and don't go back to how things were before.

startrek90 · 22/10/2021 14:09

I understand how you feel. I had something similar happen in our family, though I was in hospital for a month not a week!

You can't help feeling guilty but you can help what happens when you come home. When I returned home my dh had real appreciation for what I did all day and that made it easier to have the discussion about sharing the load.

Try not to feel guilty (easier said than done I know!) You have to be in hospital, it's a non negotiable. The more stressed you are, the longer it will take to get better.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/10/2021 17:54

It isn't a case of lessons will be learned.
Are you willing to put up and shut up for years? Would you treat someone who you loved the way he treats you, as a personal slave?
No one gives points for being a Martyr.
I'm sorry he has gotten you in this situation, change it.
Tell him to grow up he doesn't live with mammy now.
The funny part is if you left him he'd be very capable of surviving.

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