To think I am not unreasonable to want to see my mum and dad now

[AlexaShutUp]

My mum has serious health anxiety. She has had it since I was a child. It irritates me but I am used to it and I know she can't help it.

We live very nearby and we saw a lot of them before the pandemic. Teen DD would go to their house a couple of times a week after school (just to visit, not childcare) and we regularly popped in at weekends to see them etc. However, we have seen very little of them since March 2020 as they have been too worried about covid - or, at least, my mum has, and my dad has gone along with it. My father is in his eighties and CEV. My mum is in her late seventies and does have some health issues, though nothing that would necessarily put her at a higher risk from covid.

We have not been allowed to set foot inside their house once since the pandemic started. We did a lot of shopping for them at the beginning and would drop it off, have a quick chat on the doorstep etc. We very occasionally sat in their garden for a cup of tea. Didn't see them at Christmas for the first time since dd was born. The only times we have been allowed to get close have been when they needed occasional lifts to medical appointments etc, including some in the middle of the night etc.

I understood initially and I was fine with not seeing them. I didn't want to infect them anyway, though we were very low risk in the main lockdowns as dd wasn't at school, DH and I were wfh and we weren't really seeing anyone at that point.

Then they got their vaccinations and I hoped that they would relax a bit. They didn't. DH and I are both fully vaccinated and dd has had one shot, which is all that she is allowed for her age. We are all careful - wear masks, sanitise hands etc - though we are now living fairly ordinary lives, going to school/work, seeing friends etc. They felt that this made us high risk so we continued to stay away.

Then dd caught covid from school and I got it too. DH didn't catch it. It wasn't much fun but naively I thought that there would be a silver lining in that dd and I might be able to see my parents a bit more in the couple of months that followed, as we would be extremely unlikely to catch covid again within the next couple of months.

We are well beyond 14 days post infection, so we are clearly not infectious any more, but equally, far too close to the previous infection to be at risk of catching covid again just yet. And yet my mother still refuses to come anywhere near us because cases are too high and she isn't willing to take the risk.

I know it's not personal and I know it's her anxiety taking over, and on one level, I do understand, but I have realised now that this will never end. I feel so hurt and I'm afraid now that I'll never really be able to spend time with my parents again. I don't know how much time they will have left. I don't know if I'll ever be allowed to hug them again. My dd adores them and misses them. I really thought that, having had covid, we might be allowed to see them for the next few weeks. DH has said that he is happy to stay away as he didn't catch it with us.

AIBU to think that I might as well give up on the hope of ever having a normal relationship with my parents again? It makes me both sad and angry, but ultimately, I have to respect their wishes.

Bonkers that they are happy to share a lift with you in close quarters but not sit the other side of the living room for a cuppa!

Have you thought about writing a letter to them saying exactly what you have expressed here - it might be that you have to be slightly blunt with them and point out that there may not be much more time for you to spend time together as a family.

Would they meet you for a walk and a coffee somewhere?

Gosh that is really sad OP. Have you had an honest conversation and told them how you feel?

Do you have a doctor friend who could talk to them ?

I'm not sure this is about respecting wishes. You would be helping them by opening the conversation up about risk and trying to help them tackle the irrational anxiety

You say you saw a lot of them at the beginning of the pandemic,delivering shopping and sometimes sitting in garden, but then it seems to have trickled to.They've got habituated to not seeing you. Can you try to reinstitute seeing them on a softly softly basis, talking to them at the window,taking them small items they might like - but wear a mask and make much show of hand cleaning,going round in car and having daughter take item to door for them? Phone them in advance to let them know you're bringing daughter round to window to show off her new coat/haircut etc. I don't think the news that your daughter had Covid and that you,despite two vaccinations,also caught it,are going to decrease your mum's anxiety,nor do I think it likely she will get any therapy to decrease it.

I have had lots of conversations with them about irrational anxiety. My mother sometimes accepts that she is irrational but says that she is not ready. I have been really honest, including telling them that their beloved granddaughter has cried because she believes that she will never be able to hug her grandparents again. That upset my mum but not enough to change her mind.

She has agreed to go for a walk with me once since March last year, but she won't stay out for more than about 15 mins because she worries about leaving my dad on his own. He sadly struggles to walk very far these days so would be unable to join us.

I don't know what else I can do tbh. I'm just resigning myself to the fact that I may never have the same relationship with them again.

@ItsDinah

You say you saw a lot of them at the beginning of the pandemic,delivering shopping and sometimes sitting in garden, but then it seems to have trickled to.They've got habituated to not seeing you. Can you try to reinstitute seeing them on a softly softly basis, talking to them at the window,taking them small items they might like - but wear a mask and make much show of hand cleaning,going round in car and having daughter take item to door for them? Phone them in advance to let them know you're bringing daughter round to window to show off her new coat/haircut etc. I don't think the news that your daughter had Covid and that you,despite two vaccinations,also caught it,are going to decrease your mum's anxiety,nor do I think it likely she will get any therapy to decrease it.

We saw a lot of them at the beginning because they needed help getting essential items - they tried to do online shopping but it was almost impossible to get slots. Quite often, they just went without stuff because they didn't tell me what they needed.

The garden visits have been more recent (post vaccination for the adults) but they only really work in summer because my dad struggles to sit outside when it's cold. We do pop round to say hello, show them stuff etc. You're right that they have habituated to not seeing us.

You're also right that my mum isn't going to get therapy for her anxiety now. I tried for years to persuade her to get help but she has always resisted. I'm resigned to that now.

I just hoped that we might have a narrow window after getting covid when she wouldn't see us as a risk. Obviously, I was wrong.

Oh op, this really resonates. My parents in law are similar (although we've seen a bit more of them outside). Like you, I kept hoping things would change but it's recently dawned on me that maybe they won't.

On the face of it neither are suffering from health anxiety - just very scared and whipped into a frenzy about the virus, almost like they thrive on the drama of it. I find it difficult not to take it personally and feel very hurt by it. We've made it clear we want to meet up but haven't expressed our upset and likewise they've never expressed any regrets about not seeing us or the children.

My partner has three siblings and before the virus we all met frequently and went away together every year. His siblings are also very cautious, although not to the same extent as his parents. Added to our hurt is that because we're leading normal lives it feels like we've been purposefully left out. One of the siblings went into their house in the summer and they all met up for a walk very near to where we live but we weren't told until afterwards.

I'm not really very sure anymore if they even want to see us.

YANBU to be frustrated, but give it a few months. The spring time following them having had all their jabs this year will most likely make a huge difference. Keep making the effort to see them outside for short periods. Cases are on the rise. Arguably they are being the sensible ones.

Cases are on the rise. Arguably they are being the sensible ones.

Thank you for your post. I'm interested to understand this perspective more, as I am feeling quite angry with them at the moment and I don't want to. If I can understand the logic behind their position, then that would help.

I get that cases are going up and I understand the need for caution etc. To be honest, I have been on the cautious side myself throughout the pandemic. However, I am under the impression that, although dd and I could certainly catch covid again at some point, the risk of this happening within a few weeks of having had the virus is virtually zero. Am I wrong in thinking that we can't get it again straight away?

Of course, I appreciate that there are never any guarantees, but it seems to me that I'm as low risk now as I'll ever be...so if they're not comfortable seeing me now, I don't see how that's going to change?

If there is a perspective that they're simply being sensible, I genuinely want to understand that. I just don't get it right now.

@gracelessladyhottramp, I can relate to so much of your post. My parents have allowed my dsis to stay with them. She is CEV and also very anxious, so not really going anywhere, so I was able to rationalise that, but they have seen a couple of other relatives who they have deemed to be safe even though they definitely haven't been isolating themselves. I know they're worried about our exposure through dd, and because I go into work several days each week, but now we've had it, it just feels like a bit of a slap in the face tbh.

I can't help but feel a little resentful because I'm the one who they call whenever they need something, and I bend over backwards to help, but they don't seem to feel the need to seemee or dd when they don't need anything. I feel a bit used, I suppose, though I know they don't see it that way and they would probably be horrified to know that that's what I feel.

I won't ever tell them that because I know it would really hurt them, and I don't want to just guilt them into seeing us if they aren't comfortable anyway. I know that they won't be around forever and I don't want to say anything that I might regret, but I just feel so hurt by the whole thing. Almost like they didn't love me and dd as much as we thought they did.