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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how I explain why Dad isn't around?

20 replies

FairFuming · 21/10/2021 21:00

I have 2 small kids (5 and under).
Left ex under really unpleasant circumstances and made it clear I wasn't going back, he was initially having supervised contact but has stopped that (his choice) since he began believing that I am definitely not taking him back and contact was only for the children's sakes.
Its been over 2 months, my eldest child's birthday is coming up and they are both starting to ask where he is.
What do I tell them?
When we first left I told them that both Mummy and Daddy loved them but we were living apart now and they accepted that no problem really as their dad was hardly ever present when we lived with him.
It doesn't seem right to keep saying that as he hasn't so much as text to ask how they are.
I've just been honest and told them I don't know where he is or why he hasn't seen them but reminded that they are loved and are amazing.

I honestly feel like a fish out of water here. I want to minimise any more damage that their arse of a father might cause but I don't know how.
Any one who has experience of this that can share any suggestions would be amazing.

OP posts:

Ozberry · 21/10/2021 21:03

My children’s dad went off the radar for a while when they were little. I told them daddy wanted to be on his own at the moment.
I’ve no idea if that was the right thing to say but they accepted it and I was trying to make it about him, not them.
He actually came back and has never let them down since, so the damage has been repaired. They generally get on well these days.
Difficult for you OP, sending

TSSDNCOP · 21/10/2021 21:08

The truth, because it's easier.

You say, daddy has chosen not to be here. It's us three now for everything we do and need. We are a family and a team that love each other. We are OK, we will always be OK.

fabulous01 · 21/10/2021 21:12

Similar here

I said daddy was grounded

Then travelling

But no idea what to say about Christmas ... and why they won't see him

Any tips greatly appreciated

Original poster

FairFuming · 21/10/2021 21:14

@Ozberry

My children’s dad went off the radar for a while when they were little. I told them daddy wanted to be on his own at the moment. I’ve no idea if that was the right thing to say but they accepted it and I was trying to make it about him, not them. He actually came back and has never let them down since, so the damage has been repaired. They generally get on well these days. Difficult for you OP, sending

Thank you Oz. I tried saying that but my little girl kept asking if he wanted to be on his own without her. He covered up abuse on her by his older child from a previous relationship and then tried to talk her into being quiet so there are some complicated circumstances here, which makes things so difficult to gauge. It is such a horrible situation.

I'm glad everything worked out for your kids and their dad realised his mistake before too long.

OP posts:

Original poster

FairFuming · 21/10/2021 21:16

@TSSDNCOP

The truth, because it's easier.

You say, daddy has chosen not to be here. It's us three now for everything we do and need. We are a family and a team that love each other. We are OK, we will always be OK.

This is really helpful. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

FairFuming · 21/10/2021 21:18

@fabulous01

Similar here

I said daddy was grounded

Then travelling

But no idea what to say about Christmas ... and why they won't see him

Any tips greatly appreciated

I'm so sorry you're in a similar situation.

Are you in contact with any of his family? I am still close with my SIL and so we are going to visit her and my DC's cousins. Its worked to take the spot light off of missing twatface for DD's birthday at least. Haven't even thought ahead to Christmas yet 🤦‍♀️.

OP posts:

TheChiefJo · 21/10/2021 21:23

@Ozberry

My children’s dad went off the radar for a while when they were little. I told them daddy wanted to be on his own at the moment. I’ve no idea if that was the right thing to say but they accepted it and I was trying to make it about him, not them. He actually came back and has never let them down since, so the damage has been repaired. They generally get on well these days. Difficult for you OP, sending

I had a similar situation to this. It all worked out in the end. Everyone has a good relationship now, even if I still privately think my ExH is a dick.

fabulous01 · 21/10/2021 21:26

Only with his parents but they live a few hours away

He had a special birthday as well which couldn't happen. Mine are similar ages so it is getting harder

I think we are in a very similar situation so their relationship changed irretrievably. He may still be alive but absolutely not accessible

RippleEffects · 21/10/2021 21:32

Soft truth without over sharing or knocking yourself.

You haven't done anything that makes Daddy stay away. He knows that you are safe, looked after and very loved. He is missing out on wonderful you, all the more for me.

I found it tended to be slightly tired bedtime questions after story so answers tended to involve a lot of hugging and tucking in.

Another one I'd go with is families are all different some have a mummy, some a mummy and daddy, some two mummies some people live with their grannys etc Normalise that the setup is okay with examples of friends or relatives who don't live in the mum and dad setup.

Deffinately focus on we are okay now, we will continue to be okay.

ufucoffee · 21/10/2021 21:33

@TSSDNCOP

The truth, because it's easier.

You say, daddy has chosen not to be here. It's us three now for everything we do and need. We are a family and a team that love each other. We are OK, we will always be OK.

That made me cry. Bless you OP.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/10/2021 21:36

lots of children don't have a daddy living with them and every family is different. Daddy is not going ot be living with us anymore.

Original poster

FairFuming · 21/10/2021 21:39

@fabulous01

Only with his parents but they live a few hours away

He had a special birthday as well which couldn't happen. Mine are similar ages so it is getting harder

I think we are in a very similar situation so their relationship changed irretrievably. He may still be alive but absolutely not accessible

I'm so sorry you are in a similar situation. It's so bloody hard in thousands of respects and I hope your DC are OK.

My SIL lives 2 hours away. So far we are taking it in turns to visit during school holidays and we video call every so often which the kids love.

I don't know how we will work this out long term. For Christmas I'm hoping we and my siblings can squish into my parents house and have Christmas morning there so that it will be something totally different from former years.
I wish I could click my fingers and everything would be OK.

OP posts:

fabulous01 · 21/10/2021 21:43

Ripple effects

That made me cry. Very true

And my family are further away so I have decided to do Xmas on our own... it will be very different but we will go to my family the day after Boxing Day and stay till new year. I decided logistics of Santa and travel and packing / flights is much harder

It will be their choice if any food and pjs, presents and filmS

And I can only hope that by then I will be a good actress and keep the smile on my face long enough that they have a good day

furbabymama87 · 21/10/2021 21:50

I've told them the truth, that he wasn't a nice person and he didn't do the nice things that dads do. I married someone else and he is their dad. They know he didn't " make" them but he feeds them, clothes them, loves them so he is their father.

Original poster

FairFuming · 21/10/2021 21:51

Yeah I think you made the right decision, the less stress the better. When we left we were lucily able to move very close to my family.
Did you get counselling? I got some through my work right after I left and it really made a huge difference for me.
I hope things get easier for you all and you have a nice Christmas.

OP posts:

Original poster

FairFuming · 21/10/2021 21:57

@RippleEffects

Soft truth without over sharing or knocking yourself.

You haven't done anything that makes Daddy stay away. He knows that you are safe, looked after and very loved. He is missing out on wonderful you, all the more for me.

I found it tended to be slightly tired bedtime questions after story so answers tended to involve a lot of hugging and tucking in.

Deffinately focus on we are okay now, we will continue to be okay.

Thank you, that's a great way to explain it. Its often a sleepy question here too.

OP posts:

TurnUpTurnip · 21/10/2021 22:12

My children’s father isn’t involved, we broke up 5 years ago and he has seen them on about 5 occasions since then, last time was January, he sees them once a year then gets bored and disappears, I refuse to lie to them with stories of being sick/working away etc, I have told them that some people just aren’t able to be dads and it’s nothing to do with them, they are not the reason.

TSSDNCOP · 21/10/2021 22:28

I can only say that it worked for us. We are a team of 2. We will be OK.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 21/10/2021 22:31

@TSSDNCOP

The truth, because it's easier.

You say, daddy has chosen not to be here. It's us three now for everything we do and need. We are a family and a team that love each other. We are OK, we will always be OK.

This.^ The truth. You are not being negative about their father. You are being positive about your family and your future.

Lux523 · 22/10/2021 12:02

As hard as it may be, always tell the truth but without a personal or negative view of their father.
My ex-husband left 6 years ago. For the first 3 years I tried to manage the hurt and expectations of my 3 children thinking that I was protecting them.
I was wrong.
As they got older they just became angry and confused. I started telling them the truth, 'I don't know why your Dad won't see you.' That's it. I wish I had been truthful with them from the beginning.

Honesty really is the best policy.

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