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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL getting on my nerves

15 replies

Sprinkles32 · 21/10/2021 18:30

She has a severely autistic child so I do feel for her as I know she struggles with him sometimes, but I just feel as if she half wants my DC to have some kind of problem. A couple of months ago, she asked me if I’ve ever thought DS1 could have adhd. He can be quite boisterous at times, doesn’t listen, doesn’t always do as he’s told but I’ve always put that down to a typical 4 year old. She looked after my 7 month old yesterday as I had a hospital appointment and when I picked him up she told me that he hadn’t made eye contact with her in the full hour and half that he was there and that she thinks I should speak to the health visitor. DP is defending her and saying maybe she just has genuine concerns whereas I think she should keep her nose out. Aibu I’m thinking that?

OP posts:
TheAverageUser · 21/10/2021 18:31

It might be that she's just immersed in that world and so she thinks about it a lot. Each time you could just gently say you're not worried about anything.

samwitwicky · 21/10/2021 18:37

As PP said, it sounds like she's just much more alert to these things and maybe 'looks for' things more than usual because she has an autistic child.

If you generally have a good relationship, don't take it to heart

Brollywasntneededafterall · 21/10/2021 18:40

Maybe she thinks she would feel happier /more supported if you were in the same boat... Just tell her you are happy with the way dc is developing right now but will be sure to see a Dr if you do have any worries.

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2021 18:41

I also think your husband is right, she’s just alert to the things and wishes to help, the issue is you don’t want to hear it.

Justwalkyourfineassoutthedoor · 21/10/2021 18:43

I have a severely autistic son and grew up with a brother who has severe ADHD and later as a teenager much more complex mental health problems. I think it makes you more aware of the early signs and also less afraid to speak out and mention it to people if you see those early signs. I certainly would never want someone else’s child to have the struggles mine does but I am passionate about early intervention and parents getting as much help as possible if there are concerns. She may be the same

If you otherwise have a good relationship with her I would take it that the comments are coming from a place of love and not worry about them if you have no concerns of your own.

Imnothereforthedrama · 21/10/2021 19:05

Hmm I’m a parent of a autistic child and I actually think she’s portraying her insecurity onto you .yes others are right she maybe more alert but it doesn’t make her a expert . I wouldn’t dream of suggesting to anyone that they may have adhd or autism . I find it odd that she’s suggested both your dc maybe on the spectrum and 7 months is way too early to even consider diagnosis. So I think you should dismiss her concerns she’s trying to look for things that aren’t there .

WorriedGiraffe · 21/10/2021 19:09

Does your 7 month old make eye contact with you? If so just tell her that and move on. Being an anxious person about child development doesn’t mean she wants your children to suffer. YABU

Snaketime · 21/10/2021 19:12

YABU she is more tuned into these things with having an autistic child, the problem here is that you don't want to hear that there maybe something wrong with perfect children, not that she wants there to be something wrong with your children.

GinIronic · 21/10/2021 19:19

She sounds like hard work. I would avoid her as much as possible.

Fimofriend · 21/10/2021 19:31

I think you are right. We have some friends who have a daughter with Downs. They were also quite adamant that something was wrong with our son. He is a young man now and of course there is nothing wrong with him.

DollyPartBaked · 21/10/2021 19:46

YANBU.

Agree that it doesn't make her the expert. I would find this very wearing as it means you can't discuss your children without her attributing everything to autism.

lioncitygirl · 21/10/2021 19:48

I have friends like this - it’s wearing a little, there always seems to be something wrong with my kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Sprinkles32 · 21/10/2021 20:36

Thanks to those who understandSmile Think I’ll let her comments go over my head next time!

OP posts:
0nlyMe · 21/10/2021 20:41

As the mother of an autistic child I do notice people with autism more. I recognise the traits because that’s “my world.” Having said that, I wouldn’t dream of telling the parents unless they voice concerns to me- which has happened a few times.
If your relationship with her is okay otherwise then it might just be that she’s concerned…if she’s annoying or acting like a know-it-all in other ways then just ignore her. My sister is like this! Any little cough and she’ll pounce- “ooh her glands are swollen I’m sure it’s tonsillitis” something along those lines! I just ignore her or fob her off.
To clarify, you know your child best. If you think he’s fine, just be firm when responding to her.

Original poster
Sprinkles32 · 22/10/2021 09:14

@0nlyMe That’s my point, I don’t think it’s really her place to make assumptions. I think what’s annoyed me more about it is the fact she has said something about both DC now

OP posts:
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