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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that future proofing isn't anything to be ashamed of?

25 replies

SugarMouseTown · 21/10/2021 17:42

I'm planning on moving in the next year or so, probably a few hundred miles away. I have some disabilities and they're getting worse. I have nerve damage to my arm and legs, and I've lost more sensation in my legs and feet since having Covid. I have other issues including asthma which climbing stairs can trigger, so for various reasons I want to avoid them. I have other things to take into account too so I want to choose my home carefully as I'm hoping to live there for at least 20+ years.

A friend has been helping me look at properties online as there's nothing she loves more than Rightmove and I'm very grateful but she thinks it's too early at 37 to plan and has been awkward when I ask about stairs and things. She seems to think it's embarrassing to be thinking of these things and keeps sending me properties that are completely unsuitable so I think it's better left to me.

AIBU to think that it's sensible to make these plans now or am I prematurely ageing myself?

Apologies for the rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarMouseTown · 21/10/2021 17:42

Length not rant.

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 21/10/2021 17:44

We’ve given half a thought to ‘if we stay here we could entirely live downstairs’ and we have to health issues.

In your position, you want to find somewhere that will suit you for 20 years, so you’re doing exactly that. Nothing wrong with that at all.

SheWoreYellow · 21/10/2021 17:45

Sorry, we have no health issues

notacooldad · 21/10/2021 17:46

It seems sensible.
My friend did the same when she was 26. She still lived in the same house and she us 52 now. Her condition, as expected has deteriorated over the years but she's been able to carry on living in her home.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 21/10/2021 17:52

YANBU. Moving is a hassle at the best of times so being able to stay in a home long term is very sensible.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 21/10/2021 17:53

Seems your friend is showing you properties based on what she likes and not what you need/like.

I don't think there's a need to argue with her about it - it's a waste of time, just ignore or say thanks and find a suitable property for yourself. Some people can only see things from their point of view.

Nothing wrong with future-proofing at all. It's a sensible way to live, in my opinion, though I'm sure it isn't the only way.Flowers

CecilieRose · 21/10/2021 17:55

OP, a lot of people are quite ableist, unfortunately, and just don't understand how much disabilities can affect people. She may not understand the extent of your disabilities and how they impact your life.

If you've already got issues with stairs, then it makes total sense to avoid them. It doesn't matter what your friend thinks. I'd politely tell her to back off and that you're fine looking yourself because you have specific needs.

MargosKaftan · 21/10/2021 17:56

You need to take your friend out of the loop. She might like looking at rightmove, but she's incapable of finding something that fits your criteria so why bother. This is like having a personal shopping session to find office wear and they keep bringing you sparkly dresses because they would prefer to spend that money on a going out dress and as they don't have to wear smart clothes for work, can't comprehend you do.

I would tell her to stop helping you. She's not helping.

PerkingFaintly · 21/10/2021 17:58

YANBU at all.

IME people deal with their fears of ill-health by ignoring, denial, and then getting aggressive at people who threaten their denial. So god help you if you're the one pissing on their chips by actually, you know, being ill.

I've just had what should have been a really nice series of visits made really stressful and unpleasant by the fact that each of the visitors needed cosseting through the phases above. One got really nasty at me for patiently and very politely repeating, "Thank you, but no thank you I actually can't."

As though I were being mean to her!

Rather than her being an insensitive twat for aggressively pushing things that aren't actually possible for me... and that I'm gutted aren't possible for me!

I'm actually exhausted by their stupidity and selfishness.

Timeforabiscuit · 21/10/2021 18:03

You're being sensible, after my sil broke her ankle while we house shared it made me really think about accessibility generally.

If your friend is doing searches for fun, not practicality, by the sounds of things.

MrsRobbieHart · 21/10/2021 18:11

You’re being totally sensible OP. You know your own body, you know how worsening symptoms will affect you, you know moving is expensive and very stressful, as well as physically hard for someone with your conditions. Why on earth would you want to have to do it all over again when your symptoms are worse than they are now?? Presumably your friend doesn’t have any ailments? She needs to be reminded of her good fortune in that.

DilemmaDelilah · 21/10/2021 18:17

It is absolutely the right thing for you to do. We're both coming up to retirement and had some inheritance to spend so we had a downstairs shower room put in. If either or both us can't manage the stairs any more we could quite comfortably live downstairs. As an aside - I was looking for a house near me for my elderly mother and put my specifications in to several estate agents - the main one being that it should be on one floor if possible and not more than 2 floors and with a garden. One estate agent sent me detaiis of a house spread over 5 floors with no garden at all! 😂😂😂😂😂

megletthesecond · 21/10/2021 18:22

Yambu. Get somewhere you can live downstairs if you need to.

I'm in my 40's and super fit and know I need to move out of this split level house before long.

Gingernaut · 21/10/2021 18:26

YANBU

You need to think hard about one level living - flats, bungalows or houses with downstairs shower rooms/wet rooms or convertible bathrooms now, when you can, rather than when you need to.

NeedWineNow · 21/10/2021 18:32

YANBU at all. You know what your needs are now and are likely to be and it makes sense to address those needs, especially if you are looking for a long term move.

Squirrelblanket · 21/10/2021 18:33

No I think it's fine. We live in a very tall house which is set over four floors with narrow stairs. We're hoping to retire abroad, but if we don't it's likely that we will want to move as I can't see us managing here when we're older or if one of us develops a health condition. I just think it's sensible to consider that kind of scenario.

Granllanog · 21/10/2021 18:37

Ignore your friend!!! You are being very sensible.........

Scarby9 · 21/10/2021 18:40

My parents needed to replace their bath when in their mid 40s. They went for one with built in handles, which we laughed at then. It has been invaluable over the years since.

In contrast, in their early 60s and in good health, they decided not to have a shower put in. Now they really regret that decision.

I am wondering when I should move from my house which I love, but which has no downstairs toilet, or really anywhere to put one.

Future proofing is just sensible. It doesn't mean you can't have a lovely home. But you ca have a lovely home which works for you both now and in time to come.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 21/10/2021 18:41

YANBU OP. I was disabled at 33 years old and at 41 just bought my forever home with an eye to the future. (I have severe nerve damage due to medical misdiagnosis and incompetence, you have my sympathies Flowers). Perhaps your friend struggles to view you as as disabled as you are, if your issues are largely 'invisible? This is definitely the case for me and it's frustrating for all concerned. She is being rude not listening to you though.

TractorAndHeadphones · 21/10/2021 18:47

Cannot for the life of me see how it would be embarassing . She's a twat

2bazookas · 21/10/2021 18:48

She's a fool.

EVERYBODY should determine property purchase based entirely on their particular needs and circumstances and plans. Which is exactly what you're doing.

I've seen older friends quite suddenly become ill or lose mobility to the point they can no longer cope at home and realise they must move. Unfortunately their decline meant they were also too frail and unwell to cope with the mental, physical and financial stress of househunting, packing, moving,. establishing themselves in a new area etc. That's when "no choice" turns into "disastrous result".

We all face that possibility in old age if not before. The only way to avoid this is to stay flexible and plan ahead, as you're doing.

In your shoes I'd live on the ground floor, ( or,. a building with a reliably maintained lift) . With good parking and /or near public transport, within convenient reach of health facilities, shops, library . I'd choose a property with adequate wheelchair access and whose bathroom either had a walk-in mobility shower or room to install one. A manageable sunny outdoor space (so I could have a small pet) . In an area where there are plenty of working people I could employ for domestic help.

naughtyfurballs · 21/10/2021 19:10

YANBU

Having watched various family members lose physical ability with age (not the same as being disabled, but there are similarities), those with the best quality of life were those who accepted their limitations and worked with them - for one set of grandparents that meant moving to a bungalow before my grandmother was entirely trapped on one floor due to declining mobility. For another that meant using a walker (like a zimmer frame with wheels) and an account with her local taxi firm. Your quality of life will be much better if you live somewhere which meets your needs.

Incidentally, it was after one grandmother visited and couldn't get to our (only, upstairs) toilet that we decided that when we bought, we'd have level access to the ground floor (or one step, but not several) and a downstairs loo. I've never regretted it, especially as we had a big pram.

Wegobshite · 21/10/2021 19:25

Nope you are being very sensible
If you can find a bungalow or a house with a downstairs bathroom and separate rooms perfect as you have the option of having a bedroom downstairs if you need it later
Or if it’s a flat ground floor one with a low maintanance garden
Somewhere that you have easy access to shops and has good public transport if you need it .

Having seen my father have pretty much all the disability aids you could possibly have inc stairlift and disabled bathroom and numerous other aids and he still couldn’t manage in his house on his own .
Try to find something that’s low maintanance if it has a garden
and as few steps as possible both outside and inside the house .
At the end my dad was housebound as he wasn’t able to lift his leg to get over the front door to get out or in of the house
If you move now you have plenty of time to find exactly what you want and become part of a new community .
If you leave it till you have to move because you have no choice you will probably hate it and resist it as it’s being forced on you and you might not have as much choice as to where you live

toconclude · 21/10/2021 19:35

Of course you are being sensible to future proof. Moving is expensive,why risk unnecessary costs?
Your friend needs to stop thinking this is about her Rightmove scanning hobby and start working from your template if she really wants to help.

PerkingFaintly · 21/10/2021 20:39

Sorry, my post turned into a rant.Blush

But I agree with all of them ^^. You're being extremely sensible getting somewhere that will still suit you a few years down the line.

"Friend" is being rude not listening to you, and unless she's likely to suddenly see the light, she's better ignored.

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