To ask for positive stories after divorce

[LittleMissApple]

I think I may be heading for divorce (potentially because of emotional abuse but I’m struggling to get my head around that, but anyway).

I’m struggling though with worrying about the impact on our young DC (2 and 5), short and long term. And with the thought of never being loved again (not that I feel loved now…)

AIBU to think maybe it would be ok? Anyone got any positive stories to share (please don’t share negative ones) I need some hope to give me a push

One of my close friends finally made the move to divorce her DH who was pretty useless and thoughtless.

I have known her for about 20 years and have NEVER seen her happier. She healthier, thriving at work, her daughter is doing well and she recently moved in with her boyfriend who seems lovely

We were gently willing her to do it for years and now she can’t believe she didn’t do it sooner. There were difficult bits, but she’s like her old self.

Good luck!

I only know a few who have divorced and none of them has never regretted it and only wish they had left sooner. For myself, I have never been happier, I am myself again and decided never to let that negative experience stop me from enjoying life. As far children are concerned, I believe it is worse staying in a bad marriage and them seeing the effects of that as they grow up than having mum and dad happy apart.

Best money I ever spent was on my divorce solicitor! My freedom from ex was worth every penny He was also emotionally abusive, but I didn't realise how badly until I was away from him. It wasn't an easy journey, finding the strength to fight for more than the crumbs he wanted to give me, dealing with his epic moods and tantrums while I was still living in the same house, dealing with the admin side of it all, finding and buying a house. And all while slowly realising the abuse he had been putting me through. None of it was fun, but my mental health has improved so much. I am so much happier and stronger than I ever thought I could be. My DDs are thriving. I didn't realise how badly the atmosphere had affected them, especially my eldest. The initial split wasn't great for them, but I made sure we kept talking, naming emotions, and when needed, getting some outside help from a private therapist. They are happier and healthier now, than before we split up.

Life is no longer a grind of just getting everything done with no help, before falling exhausted into bed. It's now board game sessions, and camping trips, and festivals, and meals out with friends, and live music, and movie nights with popcorn all curled up together on my lovely new HUGE sofa with our lovely cats that we were never allowed before!

My nearly 5yo went into nursery the day after I broke the news and excitedly told everyone that she was going to have 2 houses now. She’s 14 now, still has given zero emotional fucks through the entire divorce and life after. Has just skipped out to her dad’s car in fact with a Cherry “bye mum!”

Thank you! This is giving me some hope!

Divorced my cheating ex 5 years ago. He had two affairs (that I know of) and basically made me feel insecure and not very loved for years…

Fast forward 5 years I have a wonderful new partner, we have a house together and will get married (when we get ourselves sorted). Never been happier. Feel loved, secure, no trust issues , have never looked back

Make the move. It’s tough but the other side is so much better x

It’s often easier when your kids are younger OP because they accept the changes more readily and get into a new routine more easily. Mine were 5 and 7, I’m 4 years down the line and it’s not traumatised them in any way. Good luck.

My XH left me when our DC were 1 and 3. They are now 18 and soon to be 16 so a fair bit of water under the bridge.

Its tough being a single parent, especially in the early days of finding your routine but it was easier and much better than being an unhappy married one.

My solicitor called it finding the you, from the we.

Its like when you do the food shop and you routinely fill the trolley going up and down the aisles. Buying bits to please everyone. Suddenly, you're the adult to please. The meal choices that are going in the trolley are entirely to suit what you want to put on the table.

My XH didn't like cheese. Hated the smell and made a fuss about it. I remember the realisation I could have a little cheese board again.

I hadn't noticed the erosion of me but I certainly noticed the reawakening. Its a wonderful feeling.

The family routine is all yours in your home. If you want to have Pj's till midday on a Saturday or bath at 4pm and tea infront of a family film every Sunday night, its all yours to own. The special memories are all things you and your DC create together.

I remarried after 3 years and we have a DD now 10.

I managed to make contact with my XH relatives early on and made it clear that they weren't part of the divorce from my point of view and were still welcome to visit and see the DC. I'm really glad I did this. It wasn't an easy thing to do but I think it smoothed the path for the DC. Only mum and dad were moving apart not half the greater family dividing away.

My elder two have always been allowed to talk about what they think about the situation, I've done my damndest to not badmouth XH or over share adult stuff going on, whilst honestly answering questions. I have also stood quite firm over what suits the family unit as the children have lived full time with me.

Not badmouthing doesn't mean I roll over if a change to routine is difficult for us to juggle we state that. If it is do-able we go with it and don't get dragged into ever ongoing negotiations.

We have a routine of access and everyone knows where they stand. XH and I email a couple of times a year and state dates which are potential conflicts and propose variations. We keep contact in writing through email. As I felt pressured by early contact I created a folder in my email that XH emails go to and I'm strict with myself on only accessing this once a week. Very little contact is really urgent.

Looking back I wish I'd divorced sooner but I hadn't realised how little of me was left.

Enjoy finding you.