To expect him to get over what happened when we were apart?

[whizzfuls]

Hi all,

Last year I split with my DP of 5 years. There were many reasons, mainly distance as I was working abroad and it was just too complicated to try and manage. I felt as though I needed some time to work on myself and he felt similarly on his part.

We have recently talked about rekindling things as the circumstances have changed and we are now permanently living in the same area again. It would be very slow paced as I'm keen to make sure it's right etc but I have a question.

Whilst we were apart, I dated a little. Nothing serious and only a couple of guys who I went on a few dates with, spent some time together and did end up sleeping with. My ex DP hasn't asked me yet if I've seen anyone in our time apart but I feel as though he will and I want to know what the general consensus is. Should I be honest and give him the facts? And AIBU to expect him to accept it and move forward? I understand it may be hurtful, if I found out the same about him I probably would feel a little upset, but I'd understand that we weren't together and that a year is a while to be apart and naturally things can happen.

In my view, if he couldn't handle it it would be a sign that maybe it's best not to go back to? Maybe he isn't as mature as I'd hoped? But what does everyone else think? Should he see it as water under the bridge or would this be grounds to reconsider giving things another go?

Of course you need to be honest if he asks, otherwise you're starting again on the basis of a lie.

I understand it may be hurtful, if I found out the same about him I probably would feel a little upset, but I'd understand that we weren't together and that a year is a while to be apart and naturally things can happen.

You’re jumping ahead a bit, have you any reason to think he won’t react in the way that you’ve described that you would react? Because I think the reaction you’ve described here would be fairly common, so unless he’s prone to reacting badly to things, I don’t think you need to really be worried.

If you don't want to tell could you introduce the topic-something like that you are happy to be working things out and that you could both agree that whatever happened when you were apart was water under the bridge and you want to leave it behind and move forward together with afresh start?

Or do you want to know the details of what he did?

You were on a break.... Honestly, we can't second guess how he would feel. Only you know whether is best to be up front or say its none of his business bu if you go for the latter he needs to agree not to allow it yo be an issue somewhere down the line.

What happened in your year apart is none of his business, you don't have to tell him.

I think if you'd properly separated you shouldn't discuss it.

Did you discuss past relationships when you first got together? If you didn't, this is no different. You weren't together so it's not relevant.

If his male vanity and insecurity can only be appeased with lies and deception, there is no future in the relationship.

Imagine a long term relationship where you can't ever admit you scraped the car; always have to fake orgasm; can never have a real conversation about money or feelings or lose your temper..... "because it would upset him". :-((((

Technically you were split up so it's not really his business what you got up to while you were not a couple. Either be honest or tell him that it's private and you don't want to discuss it, or just give a basic, I dated around a bit but didn't meet anyone special.

I don’t think it is ‘none of his business’.

In an ideal world he should be cool about it but, if he isn’t, he isn’t, and you should not get back together.

What he can’t do is get back together and then make you feel guilty about it.

Be honest and put the ball in his court.

I think this is a bit odd; like you're prepping for an argument that might not even happen. And you're assuming an awful lot, including, presumably, that he hasn't also been shagging around in the hiatus. It feels almost as though you want him to be pissed off that you've slept with other people, and that you're keen he knows other men have found you attractive enough to sleep with a few times.

If you are both mature enough, you should not have to worry about this. I could not be bothered about people, who go into wimp and upset mode,if they hear that a partner has dallied with another,when they had agreed to part for some time. You are not owned, by the maybe upset person, and have to be an angel at all times.

I've recently gone through a similar situation and what I've learned is that it's better to just be truthful if it comes up in conversation.I was so nervous about discussing anything that happened while we were apart that I tried to downplay or fudge details/dates (and then tripped myself up later down the line), which actually caused more drama than it would have had I just been honest from the start. There's nothing wrong with seeing other people while you're broken up - there is something wrong with lying to your partner now.

I think it really depends on the conversations you’ve had up to now. In his position I would probably be accepting of the fact you’d dated while weren’t together although it would make me question if that was a cause for break up which hadn’t been mentioned. I would also be a bit concerned that you hadn’t mentioned it before reaching the stage of giving it another go given that you think it may impact things. For me it would highlight an issue with communication and how open and honest the relationship is rather than being upset you had seen someone. IMO you did nothing wrong there but the not being open about it would be something I may think would be an ongoing problem.

He may be thinking the same thing as you? I think it's fine to (agree to) not discuss either person's romantic/sex life while you were apart, but it sounds like you're anxious about his bringing it up at some point. In a case where one person has been with someone else and the other hasn't there might be an element of slight regret or sadness - how did s/he get over me so quickly? - but that's not realistic, especially since the two of you didn't even know you'd get back together.

There's a huge difference here versus a cheating situation; you haven't deceived him or betrayed his trust. So absolutely don't lie or minimise, but whether or not you should bring it up now probably depends on your relationship and his personality. It's reasonable to expect him to handle it and vice versa if he's been involved with someone else, but people can't help their feelings (as you know). If he reacts badly - more than maybe a little surprise/sadness - and blames you or keeps bringing it up, it's a bad sign.

I think that if you’re already anticipating how to avoid a row and you haven’t even got back together yet, you might want to spend a bit longer thinking about whether or not this is really a good idea.

The fact you're worrying so much about his reaction is a red flag for me. Because you were split up. Of course it might feel a bit odd, but you were not together for a year, why on earth would it even be assumed that you weren't dating during that?

So either he didn't really think you were split up or he's an insecure little person. Neither is a good sign.

You're taking about him not being as mature as you'd hoped when he hasn't said anything yet 🤔🤣

My now DH and I dated for about 2 yes, had a 2 yr break and then got back together.
While we were split up he got back together with his ex, then realised that wasn’t right and split up with her. I dated a few people.
It’s not a secret but it’s not something either of us really need to get into- I don’t want to know the ins and outs of his relationship with his ex and he doesn’t want to know all about my fun and flings.

Is it going to bother you if he’s done the same thing?