To ask if I'm a failing perfectionist or just chronically indecisive

[surreymum89]

Example 1: Went to supermarket with baby to do grocery shop, couldn't decide whether to feed baby before shop, couldn't decide on car seat trolley or baby seat trolley , ended up in the store with a baby in pushchair and me crying and left without so much as a pint of milk, I was there probably about 30 mins just going over the decisions about the most effective way to do shop with baby.

Example 3: Choosing birthday decorations, hours agonising over this colour or that colour and should I just get plain coloured or I should get characters from the tv show child likes because that would be best for her but they are just decorations and she is getting plenty of toys based on said tv show anyway, should I get a balloon Garland, maybe I will regret it because they do take a while to set up and I have a newborn this year but they do look great so maybe I would regret not getting it, should I get a normal happy birthday Garland or should I get a balloon letter birthday Garland , add to this hours on trying to find birthday set up pictures online (Instagram, Pinterest etc. ) , eventually my head aches from all the thinking and I give up.

So I either give up with things completely or end up making a rushed decision because time is up and then I hate myself for not being able to do things as perfectly as I would like to.

I have always been like this but is much worse since having my last baby, anyone else like this?any tips for getting it under control?

Thank you!

I do this all the time. Have lost friends over it, because I'll agonise over the perfect response to a message for too long then get so stressed I'd put it to one side and miss the day, then agonise about how to put it right - but from their perspective of course it just looked like silence.

For me, some CBT exercises to help get things done helped a bit, but the absolutely amazing thing was getting an adult diagnosis of ADHD - medication has been life changing. There's way too much self-diagnosis of some of these conditions going on on social media, but nevertheless they were not good at picking it up in girls 10+ years ago. Were you quite different as a child too? If not, then therapy or CBT could really help, but if you were always either a hyper kid or a day dreamer, then it's worth considering ADHD too.

@OverTheRubicon yes I also spend a lot of time thinking and composing messages and replies that should be simple.

I'm not/never been hyperactive but I am a major daydreamer , at school I would just daydream and doodle all over my books.

Another symptom of my overthinking and not doing, is a million reminders for everything in my life , calendar , notes , phone probably because I spend far to long thinking and not doing I always have to be reminded to come back to stuff.

How else does your ADHD present ?

I was also going to say executive function and adhd, I have 3 family members with it and the indecisiveness and inability to plan are exhausting to live with as a non sufferer

I spend a lot of time organising them and carry the weight of all decisions in the family as they just can’t and don’t make them, love them all lots but would love someone else to decide just once in a while

This is one of the ways that my adhd presents as well - horrible indecisiveness, which can make shopping a nightmare, among other things. Quite often if there's a project to do I will spend ages and ages researching and trying to decide what to do and then eventually give up. Often don't buy people presents, not because I don't want to but because I took way too long over it. Forgetfulness, not replying to messages because I take too long over them. My friends have been very forgiving and kind over the years so I've been lucky there.

I did well at school (because of the structure of it, I think - externally imposed deadlines) but I was a daydreamer, as you say. The real problem came when I started work, where you have to be a lot more self-starting. My career was a disaster for the first 15 years or so but since being diagnosed a couple of years ago, and getting medication (which is not a panacea but has helped a lot) I have been able to switch careers and salvage things, and now have a great job that I don't think I would have been able to hold down before. Still worry a bit about how I would manage if I have a child though (which I would like to).

How much sleep are you getting? Maybe you are just exhausted?

I did not mean to minimise how you are feeling. But when you have a baby and are sleep deprived, you can be very far from your ‘best self’ and shouldn’t be hard on yourself.

Yes....another one to say, maybe you have adhd....this sounds like me and I'm going to pursue an adhd diagnosis

All perfectionists are failing perfectionists because it is impossible for any human being to be 100% perfect 100% of the time. It just can't happen.
However what you are describing sounds more like indecision. Constantly weighing up possibilities and unable to commit to a choice. That can also be a symptom of depression.

What ever the reason is, I find the saying "Done is better than perfect" very useful in motivating me to do something rather than wasting time procrastinating.

These replies are brilliant, I really hope you can get some help.
To be honest I felt like if I took the baby away your post could have been about me! I always just thought I was a massive overthinker but perhaps I do have an issue.

Yep. I was also going to say Adhd. Look at inattentive type. Often goes unnoticed as the ‘behaviours’ are internalised as opposed to externalised.

www.verywellmind.com/add-symptoms-in-women-20394

Have you always been like this? If not, or this is worse than usual perhaps you have post natal anxiety? It sounds difficult whatever the cause.

I was also going to say ADD rather than ADHD.

I love the How to ADHD videos on Youtube.

www.youtube.com/c/HowtoADHD

There's no distinction between ADD and ADHD any more, it's 'ADHD - inattentive'.

@OverTheRubicon, did you find medication made a difference immediately, or did you have to try a few different meds or doses to find something that worked? I was diagnosed about a month ago and started on Ritalin, and it just isn't doing anything for me. It's so expensive to keep going back to a private psychiatrist that I'm tempted to throw my hat at the whole thing.

I'm prone to this, but it's MUCH worse when I'm sleep deprived.

Thank you all for the replies!

I will definitely look into the add/adhd, I do mostly cope with life externally , I don't forget things generally, I'm never late, I get a weekly shop done, I do always sort birthdays and presents out eventually etc. It just feels like a battle getting there a lot of the time and I mentally exhaust myself with even the smallest of decisions and have a fear of getting things wrong.

I have always been like this but it's definitely got worse and maybe that is because of kids/tiredness , I don't think I feel tired but when I sit down I'm suddenly exhausted so maybe more than I realise.

I also have looked at ADHD in women before because my mum had asked me to, we are pretty certain she does have it as well as having diagnosed mental health problems and being a recovered addict , so perhaps these are learnt behaviours? My mum did lean on me a lot as a child to make decisions, sometimes big life decisions no child should be asked to make.

I'm a successful business owner - Adhd doesn't mean you can't manage life, but I think it shouldn't feel as difficult as it perhaps does. It's genetic, so if she has it, there is a chance you do too. I certainly see adhd traits in my own mum

My ADHD was dreaming and doodles as a child, I did very well in exams at school and uni because I did well under pressure but struggled with coursework and general day to day life, from finances to maintaining stable friendships.

For me it took a bit of time to adjust to medication and while it works for me, some of the side effects are risky - I'm always shocked by how many people seem keen for stimulant medication, when it's absolutely going to increase your likelihood of heart and other issues, especially as you get older. However for me, it's the difference between drowning and staying afloat, and lets me keep on track with the routines and tricks I need to make life work. If I wasn't a single parent and working full time (or had lots of spare cash), I'd probably try to work with routines and non-pharmaceutical routes first - for example morning exercise has good evidence behind it as extremely beneficial for ADHD, meditation and sleep help, and I know someone who has a virtual PA who works with her 1 day a week and she can give tasks to from birthday presents for in laws to paying council tax and planning for Christmas, that would be amazing.

How long post-birth are you? I struggled with this after my first child. I very much relate to your first example and remember doing very similar. Maybe it was the responsibility of having to do extra thinking for another human on top of sleep deprivation! I gradually got past it. I don’t think anyone would say I had ADHD.

Just make a decision and grow up. Not everything needs a label like add etc