DD's Uni asked her to repeat a whole year without marking her work because she missed their emails asking her if she was going to meet a certain deadline. DS has been suicidal and is not talking

[sayitwithcolors]

DD's Uni asked her to repeat a whole year without marking her work because she missed their emails asking her if she was going to meet a certain assignment submission deadline. She made a later deadline and they would not mark her work at all. The reason she missed the deadline was because DS has been suicidal and is not talking to her or me.
AIBU to be mad at DD's Uni. We appealed the first time and gave them this reason and they refused. Please could anyone advise on what constitutes a compelling argument to make them change their mind. DD is freaking out and is now very depressed. Help please as I'm at a loss of what to do.

As someone who has ongoing mental health issues. Don't worry about repeating a year, focus on the fact your daughter is suicidal.

She needs to focus on getting well, not appeals.

Sorry for the situation with your DS. But in the kindest possible way, it literally takes 5 minutes to look at an email and reply. I can understand why the uni isn’t happy. I assume she’s been checking her phone and email for other things during this time?

@Disfordarkchocolate

As someone who has ongoing mental health issues. Don't worry about repeating a year, focus on the fact your daughter is suicidal.

She needs to focus on getting well, not appeals.

It’s not the DD who is suicidal, it’s her brother (see OP).

The time to ask for the university's support is before, not after.

It doesn't sound as if she should be at uni if her brother is so influential on her life. Why is that the case. It isn't her issue to sort and sounds very burdensome for a young adult.

She has missed the deadline for every piece of work set by the sound of it and she has to deal with that.

I won't repeat what others have said other than it's likely this isn't the full story. I work in student wellbeing in a uni dept and have over 1000 students in my remit - as much as I'd love to reach out more, I have my hands full with those who contact me themselves.
There will be a wellbeing dept at her uni - find the email and sit over her while she contacts them, they will be able to give clear advice about her options as well as advice on MH support.

Sounds as if the whole family is running rings around DS and even DDs life has suffered and no one noticed she was struggling at uni. Nice.

To be honest OP, it sounds like repeating the year is the right outcome for DD. It's clear that (for understandable reasons ) her mind hasn't really been on her uni work, so she will probably struggle to progress to the next year if she doesn't repeat.

@AliceinBorderland

Sounds as if the whole family is running rings around DS and even DDs life has suffered and no one noticed she was struggling at uni. Nice.

That's an unkind thing to say. Don't you think OP has enough to worry about, and has come here for advice. Your snippy comment served no purpose except to make you feel superior.

I have been in a similar situation with my son. You can use the appeals process. However the university will decide if the university is unreasonable which doesn’t leave you much options. My son went to two appeals. 8 individuals from the university and between them not one had any additional training in mental health. We asked the question at the start of the panels. Fair to say they had limited insight.

I would suspect that this has got to be about more than just a few missed emails. Given the financial implications of a repeat year, I would have thought there are quite strict rules about enforcing a repeat year, and universities can't just insist on it willy nilly (at least I hope not). Extenuating circumstances based on her mental health rather than her brothers may work, however if there's been no engagement at all from her, I can see how it might have come to to point where a repeat of the year is necessary.

@GnomeDePlume Glad she got the support she needs! Sometimes I get a little taste of what GPs must feel right now - bit much to be painted as uncaring when I think about the efforts most of us have gone to over for our students over the past 2 years, usually unpaid and overtime! And OP - would repeating the year be such a bad thing? People do it all the time. Surely she'll get more out of her degree and her university experience this way.

@TillyTopper

Whilst Unis can be very understanding and flexible you really need to engage with them and keep them informed - that is key. If your DD hasn't engaged, hasn't kept an eye on emails then things won't go well. I appreciate you have both been very stressed but she must talk to them first and foremost.

This is so true. Things have changed dramatically in Higher Education over the last 20 or 30 years since I did an undergrad degree. It's all online for submissions, students are more like "customers" and universities are way more flexible with making arrangements for students who have additional needs or needs support with some circumstances.

BUT the student has to let the Uni know. They can't just ignore emails and not tell tutors and staff what's going on.

@TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons

My XH had to drop out of uni because he was a victim of DA. Nobody listened. I think the way universities treat students is appalling.

Universities bend over backwards to help students - they really do. The last they they want is for students to drop out - it impacts on them in lots of negative ways. There are whole departments focused on helping students get the very best outcome. It is quite difficult to slip through the safety net unless you just don’t engage at all. I am very sorry for your DH and I hope he has recovered well.

That's an unkind thing to say. Don't you think OP has enough to worry about, and has come here for advice. Your snippy comment served no purpose except to make you feel superior.

Lol. My sister had an eating disorder, sectioned etc when I was a teen.

I was sick and tired of my mother calling me at my university hall to discuss. If my mother, a grown adult with almost 2 decades of parenting experience under her belt, couldn't handle it , how could I an 18 year old??

It's appalling how a young woman has been left to it and her life has suffered because of her parents other child.

That was the purpose of my comment no superiority about it.

She made a later deadline and they would not mark her work at all was this for the same assignment? Or a different one and they didn't mark it because she missed submitting the first one.

Had she explained the situation to anyone and asked for an extension?

I have just realised it isnt your DD that is suicidal, who is the DS? Is it your DS and her brother? I am confused as your suggesting appealing on the basis of someone else in the family not talking to them and being suicidal.

My DS tried to use his fathers terminal diagnosis as an excuse for missing work etc and they refused as he hadnt bothered to engage with them at any point, was hardly going to lectures and wasnt new behaviour. So i think your DD is going to have to accept she is repeating.

I understand your concern but she is an adult and this is between her and the university. She needs to take responsibility for her own issues not get her Mum to try and fix them.

It might be best for her to repeat the year to be honest, now she's had a bit of time to adjust to the situation with her brother?

Hadjab

to be fair I mis read the OP too and thought it was her DD who was suicidal...need more coffee

You won't necessarily get quality advice re mental health on mumsnet OP. If you're on Facebook take a look at the "Parenting Mental Health" group. There's good support and signposting on there.

So her to speak with the equivalent of the student advice centre at her uni. She can speak to an advisor who can help her get to the bottom of it. No point sitting around worrying and being miserable, take some action and do what needs doing, Even if it doesn’t go the way you want, it will feel slightly better knowing the clear path ahead. Also are you clear you have the whole and correct story. One assignment missed doesn’t usually equate to a repeat of the whole year, there are usually resit opportunities.

I'm sorry things have been so tough for you and your family, OP.

I would suggest supporting your DD to see the repeat year as an opportunity to do her best work, in a better place than she obviously was last year.

It does actually sound like they've accepted her circumstances were difficult and therefore allowed the repeat year - my department does not allow repeat years and would require her to leave if she hasn't met the requirements to progress (unless there are mitigating circumstances).

As pp have said, we can't mark work that's handed in very late as it's unfair to everyone else, particularly when feedback has already been given out so there is a chance that this could be incorporated into late submission.

We also can't allow students to progress to the next year when they haven't met the required learning outcomes, as they are not academically prepared for that next year. This is true even when mitigating circumstances are advised early and everyone is aware, we don't just wave people through to the next year without evidence that they're ready for it. It would be unfair to the student themselves to do this, as one bad year could then destroy their chances of a good degree classification.

Your DD does need to engage with the university throughout, there will have been many deadline reminders and emails from lecturers or tutors that have been ignored for it to get to this point.

The university process will require evidence of your DD difficulties - from her GP, counsellor or similar, rather than just emphasising the information about your DS - while these may be the cause of the problems it's difficult for the university to decide how to mitigate without evidence of the effect it's all having on your DD.

Sorry, that was long!