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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My children and uncle’s wedding

20 replies

Putyourbrotheron · 20/10/2021 17:03

A couple of years ago my kids who were about 9 and 12 were very excited about being chosen to be ushers at their uncle’s wedding. Of course the world had other ideas and the wedding couldn’t take place but is now scheduled for the new year.
They are now 11 and 15 and are really excited with the older one even buying a couple of bridal magazines.
However on Sunday they came home saying that their father didn’t want them to talk about the wedding or take part in any preparations until their uncle agreed to invite his stepson.
My eldest is now refusing to see their father and both of them insist they will ignore him and stand up for their uncle.

What would you do? I will support my kids but should I speak to ex brother-in-law?

OP posts:
SantasLittleHoHoHo · 20/10/2021 17:10

I think you should stay out of it personally, it's between your exP and his brother really - I think getting involved would cause more problems than it solves (especially as the issue involves your exPs new stepson!).

Original poster
Putyourbrotheron · 20/10/2021 17:17

Thank you for replying. I will not allow my boys to miss out on an important family occasion. They would be upset. They like their uncle.
I have spoken to my mum and a friend. They think my ex is out of order putting the boys in the middle of this.
Both of them are really shocked.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 20/10/2021 17:19

By all means facilitate your boys attendance at the wedding but don't meddle in the row between brothers. No longer your circus or monkeys.

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 20/10/2021 17:19

I think it is horrible for your exP to do too! No question. However I am unsure how your involvement would be able to help without inflaming the situation and potentially making it more volatile? Obviously you're way more involved in the situation and I'm just going from one mumsnet post!

Hopefully their uncle will either invite the child / your exP will realise it's not his hill to die on!

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2021 17:20

Stay well away from this. They aren't even your family anymore, and what goes on between your ex and his brother is absolutely none of your concern.

Original poster
Putyourbrotheron · 20/10/2021 17:26

Absolutely nothing to do with me except where it involves my children. They are really upset. I will leave it a few weeks but will then make it clear to ex that I will facilitate all prep and attendance at wedding.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2021 17:30

It's pretty awful that your children aren't supporting their father, honestly. The uncle disregarding your ex's stepson is horrible unless there is some huge backstory. Who does that?

FawnFrenchieMum · 20/10/2021 17:33

@Aquamarine1029

It's pretty awful that your children aren't supporting their father, honestly. The uncle disregarding your ex's stepson is horrible unless there is some huge backstory. Who does that?
It’s irrelevant who does it, it’s not the childrens problem. Maybe they had only just met pre-lockdown so weren’t invited and they don’t want to change the numbers / guest list. What ever the reason, don’t take it out on the kids.
621CustardCream438 · 20/10/2021 17:37

Actually if you posted on here saying “my brother has invited my children to be ushers but won’t invite my stepson to attend at all” I think a lot of people would say that none of you attending was a reasonable course of action. Much depends on the precise circumstances. But on the face of it I’m not sure your ex is wrong and I wouldn’t be getting involved talking to ex bil.

AgnesXNitt · 20/10/2021 17:40

Honestly I wouldn't get involved at all - tell your kids that it's for their father to sort out and stay well out of it. If the uncle is excluding one child of the family then I'd say there's all sorts of issues going on that you aren't aware of.

TSSDNCOP · 20/10/2021 17:41

This reads a lot like you want to jam one to your ex under the guise of no one upsets my kids.

Let the men involved sort it out and if they aren't going their father can explain why.

Shakirasma · 20/10/2021 17:42

Does the stepson live with your ex? Because if so, putting myself in the ex's shoes, if my brother refused to recognise a step child of mine that I was raising in my home I would pretty pissed off and be inclined to say it's all or none.

I do appreciate that if the step child lives elsewhere then a family bond doesn't develop in quite the same way, but either way I think you will cause upset if you try to circumnavigate your ex and go to the Uncle. It's not your place. His family, his decision. I'm sure you wouldn't like him undetermining you with your family.

Theunamedcat · 20/10/2021 17:45

Are you on good terms with ex bil? Maybe a quick message to say you will support your children's attendance and that they are looking forward to coming I would really clarify with him that they still want to participate because ex could have told him they were not attending

lanthanum · 20/10/2021 17:47

I'd stay out of their argument, but maybe contact the uncle to say "I gather ex is not totally on board with wedding arrangements - just to let you know that if necessary I will do what I can facilitate getting the boys there on the day, as they are really looking forward to it." If their dad chooses to throw a strop, hopefully you can have the boys that weekend and drop them off, so that they can attend even if he doesn't.

sillysmiles · 20/10/2021 17:48

If the stepson wasn't on the scene at the start of the pandemic then he and his mum (ex's partner) are probably new on the scene.
Given lockdowns and pandemic etc the brother and his fiance may not even know the ex's new partner and child. Also, unless the ex is married this child isn't really a stepson is he?

As for what @Putyourbrotheron can do? Nothing much really. This is not your family anymore and you can't negiotate between your ex and his brother anymore.

All you can do is prepare your children for the fact that them might not be going to the wedding.

aSofaNearYou · 20/10/2021 17:52

Do you still speak to the ex brother in law? I think if there are still lines of communication there it would be fair enough to offer to take them, but otherwise it would be interfering and would definitely be perceived that way.

Farwest · 20/10/2021 17:55

I assume that on the day of the wedding, they would be with their Dad, then all attending the wedding together (or not, as the case may be). How are you planning to 'facilitate their attendance'?

LadyJaye · 20/10/2021 17:58

There are gaps here.

If your ex's stepson is a relatively new arrival to the family, then I can sort of see your BiL's PoV.

If, however, your ex's stepson has been in his life, and by extension, your in-laws' family life for longer than that, then that's quite a shitty thing for your BiL to do and not a decision I'd enable, personally.

Fundamentally, though, I wouldn't get involved in an argument between brothers, as that will never end well.

Freddiefox · 20/10/2021 18:06

Why do you need to get involved? Your children are upset but they will get over it. They will understand that your ex in time. He can explain it to them.

Do you get on with ex? Do
You see the ex family regularly?

lanthanum · 20/10/2021 18:36

@Farwest

I assume that on the day of the wedding, they would be with their Dad, then all attending the wedding together (or not, as the case may be). How are you planning to 'facilitate their attendance'?
If they're refusing to visit their dad at all currently, possibly not...
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