About DS's surname?

[KoreyBay18]

DS has always had my surname, and had his dad's surname as an additional middle name (which is what I did too when I was married). Divorced 2 years now. DS also has another middle name that comes first, so his full name has two surnames at the end.

Ex-H is angry that I'm not using his surname for primary school. He thinks we should be using both as a double barrelled surname. FWIW if Ex-H was more involved in big decisions i wouldn't mind this so much but when DS started school last month and it was exes first time doing the school run, he actually had to ask me what school he goes to. I tried to involve him in all of this from the start but he just said "you sort it, you know what you're doing".

DS came back from his dads yesterday asking me why I wasn't putting his "big name" on his school book bag etc and I know this has come from his dad and has confused him. I've reassured him his name hasn't changed and he still has all his names but that we just use our first and last names. He was happy with this. And he likes having his surname- the same as his grandparents and cousins (he doesn't have a close relationship with his dads family).

Doesn't help that he is one of four children in his class with his first name, and we have a short, easy to spell surname whilst his dad's surname is long and complicated.

AIBU? Should I just start using double barrelled? He has regular contact with his dad but his dad has zero engagement with school, paediatricians, social worker, therapists etc (DS is undergoing assessments and is entitled to a specialist social worker, he doesn't have one due to parenting concerns or vulnerability at all).

Sounds to me like he only has one surname.

One first name, two middle names, one surname.

I'd just message ex and say "ds has his surname on his school items. I will not be adding any of his middle names onto anything. Please stop confusing him 're your surname - it is his middle name"

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Sounds to me like he only has one surname.

One first name, two middle names, one surname.

I'd just message ex and say "ds has his surname on his school items. I will not be adding any of his middle names onto anything. Please stop confusing him 're your surname - it is his middle name"

This,

Tell your ex to wank off with that patriarchal shite and to stop confusing poor DS.

Presumably his school name is the same as his birth certificate name? Tell your ex to stop confusing the poor boy.

yep what they said. You don't want to add his middle name to his surname.

If DH labels the school stuff he can label it how he likes.. but no he's complaining that you aren't labelling things. Why is labelling things your sole responsibility?!

Anyway. No YANBU and he's confusing the lad.

Kind of similar situation with the last name. My son's will stay the same until he's of age where he can change it if he wants.

It's your son's surname. Keep it as it is for now with your last name and his dads surname as a middle name. Your son can choose to change or keep it when he's of age.

Fwiw my son's six. When people ask his full name he tells them he says first name, middle name, dads surname, my surname, my partners surname! 😂

I learned from it for my daughter too. She has a first name and 2 last names, mine and her partners. They aren't double barrelled she just has 2 surnames.

I did tell ex immediately that he is welcome to pick and choose which of DS's names he wants to use when he registers him for any activity, school, doctor, dentist etc. He was not impressed given that he knows this will never happen!

I'm just fed up of him thinking he deserves for DS to have his last name because he has him one night a week and pays maintenance (£20 a week which i have to chase weekly). He is doing the absolute bare minimum expected of him but thinks that because it's not nothing he is an excellent father.

What's on his birth certificate? Dads name as a middle name or double barrelled?

What's on his birth certificate? Dads name as a middle name or double barrelled?

This. Whatever is on his birth certificate is what should stand.

Is it actually a middle name or does he have 2 surnames and you’re not using them? My daughter has two surnames but not double barrelled

Of you are having to chase the £20 weekly then get onto the CMS if he is employed... sounds like the name thing is just another form of abuse / control. If he keeps on then mention to his social worker if it is confusing him - that's just mean to confuse the kid.

@TurnUpTurnip
He legally has one surname.

Seriously don’t engage with him. He legally has one surname. Your son will understand everyone just uses first and surnames at school not middle names too.

DS is undergoing assessments and is entitled to a specialist social worker, he doesn't have one due to parenting concerns or vulnerability at all

Is that really necessary to say in your OP when no-one has even said anything about the fact he has a social worker?

It sounds like you're trying to distance yourself from "those awful types of parents" whose children have social workers for reasons other than disability, as if those parents should be treated differently and judged more harshly than a parent of a disabled child.

These kinds of disclaimers simply add to the stigma of social work involvement, which serves to prevent vulnerable children from accessing the support they need as the parents are reluctant to ask for help.

[quote KoreyBay18]@TurnUpTurnip
He legally has one surname.[/quote]
Then use it. His DF is being ridiculous.