Stage 3 Cancer - AIBU?

[RoseTintGlass]

DS is 7 and has always had a strained relationship with his dad. Before lockdown in March 2020, DS's dad lived 3 hours away with his parents, which meant that he only saw DS once a month. He very rarely FaceTimed, texted etc. during the times he wasn't with DS, which lead to lots of tears, tantrums and DS not wanting to see his dad. He would also take DS to his parents house for a few days during the holidays.

At the beginning of the year, when lockdown ended, DS's dad moved 40 minutes away and it has meant that he has seen DS every other weekend. He never has him overnight as he lives in shared accommodation, and I let him come into my home and spend time with him here, as it gives him the opportunity to put DS to bed and spend quality time when the weather is bad. It took months for DS to accept seeing his dad every other weekend, and there were often tears, tantrums and DS often said he 'didn't want to see daddy.' More recently, he has got used to the routine and with encouragement from me, a lot of these issues have subsided. DS also has started having emotional support at school, which could or could not be connected to these issues with his dad.

2 weeks ago, DS's mum was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer. At first they believed it was Stage 4 and she was offered palliative care, but since the CT scan, they've discovered it is Stage 3 and she is going to be having chemotherapy. DS's dad is now saying he cannot commit to a routine of seeing DS and will see DS 'as and when' he is able to, as he is needed 3 hours away to support his parents. He's said he will see DS at the end of this month, which will make it a month since he last saw him, but he says he cannot commit to every other weekend. I've tried to be flexible and suggest he can swap for weekdays, swap for a weekend, but it's got to have some sort of consistency for DS. He is adamant he cannot be consistent and will just let me know as, if and when he can see him. He's also said he is cutting DS's maintenance by a fifth as he needs the extra money to support his parents.

I am trying my best to be sympathetic, understanding and flexible as it's an awful situation for him, the prospect of losing his mum and DS losing his grandmother. At the same time, I am worried about my DS, his self esteem and their relationship. It's really important that DS sees his dad regularly and I know that this is going to set him back once again.

AIBU and what would you do in this scenario?

Sorry, that should say 'DS's dad's mum has been diagnosed with Stage 3 Cancer'. My ex-MIL.

It sounds like you are very concerned with promoting your DS' relationship with his dad, and ultimately this is not your responsibility. You have done what you can to facilitate it, you can't do more than that. Your ex is in a difficult position right now and I think you should give it a few weeks to see how things are. I don't think he is reasonable to cut maintenance though.

This might sound really callous but I don't think his mom having cancer is a justifiable reason to not keep his regular contact or maintenance payments.

He only sees him once a fortnight, and doesn't do overnights etc.

If he was intending on supporting his mom that much he'd be moving back in with her.

How's he arrived at needing to reduce maintenance by 20%? What's the logic with that figure?

I think yabu, not about the maintenance but about the regularity of seeing ds. Obviously his mum needs him. He has rebuilt his relationship with ds and that won't disappear if he sees him less.

His mother's cancer makes no difference to his parental responsibilities, financial or otherwise.

He is a slimes pig who is using his mother's cancer as an excuse to be a shit parent and not provide for his child.
Does he give more than cms allowance?
It's a shame but I think he has seen it as his golden ticket to step back.

I do have some sympathy for him - the diagnosis is new, her response to treatment is as yet unknown. It's a shit time for them, and I'm not surprised he wants to be there. And with the distance involbpved, it might mean that a weekend or two has to be missed - just as it would with a normal, present, reliable father.

But he's still being unreasonable, and I think he is using it as an excuse to cop out. He might find some times are impossible, but he should be working out the ways to make all his commitments work, especially as this could last weeks/months/years. It's one thing to have to suspend contact in the first few big-shock days and weeks, quite another to cancel longer term/indefinitely.

And it's just plain wrong to use this to cut maintenance. Is CMS, other agreement or informal?

I'm in 2 minds about this. Firstly i understand completely he needs to support his mum but that doesn't negate his financial or parental responsibilities.

If he needs a little more flexibility i would go with it however i would say to him that you need the maintenance money and that cant be reduced. I actually struggle to see why it needs to be especially if he isnt only travelling to see his son every 4 weeks rather than every 2....he is 'saving money' by doing this!

We have a private arrangement with maintenance, but there have been a few occasions where money has become an issue. I have an open case with the CMS (with the case number), so I can file that whenever I want. I'm going to proceed with that in the New Year regardless.

I agree, I am trying my best to accommodate him and be flexible and sympathetic, but his mum being ill doesn't negate the responsibilities he has as a father. It's a massive shock so I am hoping, in a couple of weeks, he will come to his senses...