B List Friend

[MilkMonitor]

I have a friend. She's very nice. I've known her for maybe ten years.

The thing is that I always feel like a B list friend for her. I thought we were good mates but when I've tried to make arrangements with her, she's said stuff like, "Oh, I'm waiting to hear what my other friends are doing."

She rang to tell me she was going to have a Christmas party on one day. I told her we come come and that I was pleased because that's the one day we have free. I've just got a text saying that it's going to be the next day instead. "Sorry about that."

Obviously, I'm not six years old but I do feel hurt when this kind of thing happens.

I think I'd rather not bother with her anymore but not make any drama or scene about it. Just not return her calls or make arrangements. Does that sound like an over reaction? I'm v. fond of her but I don't really want to feel a bit cr*p about our friendship like I do now.

I think it would be 'taking the hint', tbh as she doesn't seem too bothered by the way she treats you. I am sorry you're being treated this way, it must hrt a lot - yes, stop returning calls, it is just going to be painful. She will come and find you if she really wants to maintain the friendship.

Sorry

I used to have a few friends like that - to be honest I walked away and waited to see if they cared. One did care and has now started putting in the leg work - 2 didn't and I don't miss them.

that's rotten - I'd not bother with her. I have members of my extended family who are like this (ie. they don't bother with me at all because there's always something better/more interesting going on) - it's taken me years to let go and not bother back,but it still smarts.

YANBU, if she makes you feel hurt and 'B' list then don't bother, I am sure you have other lovely friends who do value you! I have a friend like this who i have know for years and we get on well but i know she makes loads of excuses not to go out for a night out etc. It makes me feel pissed off and crap so i avoid making plans with her now as much as possible and leave it up to her to fit me in her schedule! When i was pregnant i barely saw her as i wasn't 'fun' ie not drinking and staying out late.

what jinglyjen said!

I've had a similar thing with an old friend of mine recently and I have been thinking that our friendship is becoming a bit one sided, and I'm making all the effort.

So I too have decided to step back and see what happens if I don't make so much contact. Then at least in my mind I feel like I've made a decision about it and it doesn't play on my mind so much.

I don't think that's an over reaction, your are not confronting her about it and having a row. Maybe she'll wonder what's going on when you don't return her calls though and get some sort of message. I also think some people don't do this intentionally they are just a bit wrapped up in themselves and don't stop to think what others might be feeling.

You may not be six but it still hurts!
I am feeling this atm with my MIL (and not for the first time) - it is never nice when you know people are not thinking of you to the degree they think of others (or indeed themselves, in MIL's case).
You need a mask of serene indifference.
(Mine is slipping atm)

Agree with forkhandles - you don't have to have some huge showdown, just withdraw a little and see what happens. She is quite right about some people being very self-absorbed, funny thing is, your friend probably feels like the B-list friend to the people she is desperately trying to accommodate with party.

Oh no. I'd never make a scene. I don't even want to fade from view to see if she comes good. I just want to fade from view full stop. I don't even really want to talk about it with her because she's probably oblivious to it and will think me v. childish and I'll feel a chump.

But of course we have mutual friends who have parties etc and we're bound to bump into each other there. I guess I'll be v. polite at those times even though I'm being v. rude by avoiding her calls.

I'd never ask someone to hang around waiting to make an arrangement in case something better came up. I think that's really rude. I think she's found some better guests for her party that can only make it on the day I can't. Ah well.

I think youd feel better if you mentioned it in some way eg if she invited you out you could something jokey about it - not sure what though!

i feel like this sometimes about friends and i probably spend too much time thinking about it when i shoud have sorted it at the time

I know how it feels.

YANBU

I know how you feel too. I hope you find it comforting to know that you're not the only person to feel like they're on the "B list". Has she made you feel like this throughout your ten year friendship?

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want to stop making an effort with someone who you feel doesn't make the same effort for you.

I know it's easier said than done but try not to let her bother you and concentrate your efforts on the friends that do appreciate you.