Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is this normal in a eulogy?

95 replies

LaLaLouella · 20/10/2021 09:40

I attended a funeral recently of an old family friend. In her eulogy, which was delivered by the by the vicar and written by him in conjunction with her husband, they completely missed out a good 30 years of her life! According to them, she left school got a job and then reappeared as a 50 year old about to marry him with two adult children and a few grandchildren.

No mention at all of her first marriage or husband (30 years!), their divorce, having her children, no anecdotes from her career or life when she was young. Just schooldays and marriage to second husband and then stories about their retirement and grandchildren.

Is this normal? To erase so much of someone's life as it ended in divorce? I found it bizarre.

OP posts:

Mydogsnotfat · 20/10/2021 19:07

I'm a funeral celebrant and try very very hard to glean as much information as possible from families. I always encourage mention of prev marriages, estranged children etc but have to do as I'm told ultimately by the paying client. Sometimes that is difficult like the time I was shouted at next to the coffin by someone who had a child by the deceased, a child I knew nothing about and therefore did not mention.

Sexnotgender · 20/10/2021 19:13

@sunglassesonthetable

Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not that they’re “a bother”. It’s that minister’s workload is massive and if they don’t actually know the deceased then they can ONLY go off what the person is telling them. There simply isn’t time to do anything else. I’m sorry if that upsets you.

You didn't answer the question. Did you realise how what you said came across?

@Sexnotgender

What exactly is your problem with me?

I was just stating it from a different viewpoint that these things can be difficult to manage as the person conducting the funeral can only go on the information given.

Did I realise how it came across? I was trying to juggle a baby and about 50 million other things so possibly my tone wasn’t quite as kind as it could have been so I’m very sorry if it came across badly.

TractorAndHeadphones · 20/10/2021 19:45

@stripetop

The saddest funeral I went to had no eulogy.

An elderly, wonderful, well loved member of our community.

His wife left him thirty years ago, taking the two children. He saw them regularly but after about ten years moved in with a man. She was with someone else but never got over it. His male partner then died shortly before him and she was in charge of funeral.

He was such a character, full of kindness, did so much for the community, his profession and the local arts and festivals.

It was simply this is the funeral of X. Prayer. The end.

Not a thing was said. Just so sad.

It sounds sad, but funerals are for the living. He's dead, why would he care what was said at his funeral?

GrolliffetheDragon · 20/10/2021 19:45

My friend said to me after "That woman sounded amazing, that was nothing like my mum", instead of starting the grieving process she (and her siblings) ended up being angry that they had been lied to and gaslighted again.

Different circumstances, but I've felt that. Not my DM, but another close family member died and yes, the way she was spoken about, she was a lovely, kind, caring person. I wish I'd known the person they were talking about.

It was distressing and made me angry. I don't think I've properly grieved for her yet. Too many complicated emotions.

sunglassesonthetable · 20/10/2021 20:29

*What exactly is your problem with me?

I was just stating it from a different viewpoint that these things can be difficult to manage as the person conducting the funeral can only go on the information given.

I don't have a problem with you, just what you said.

Despite juggling 50 million things and a baby you managed to come across as totally sneery. As if wanting something personal was ridiculous and over reaching.

And yeah we're all juggling stuff. I'm thinking about my DH's eulogy last week which is probably why your words and ,not just your 'tone', struck me as so belittling.

sunglassesonthetable · 20/10/2021 20:30

@Sexnotgender

Sexnotgender · 20/10/2021 20:33

I wasn’t being sneery. Not even a little bit. I’m sorry if it came across that way. And I’m genuinely sorry for the loss of your DH 💐

sunglassesonthetable · 20/10/2021 20:36

thank you

WomanStanleyWoman · 20/10/2021 22:50

@Sexnotgender

I wasn’t being sneery. Not even a little bit. I’m sorry if it came across that way. And I’m genuinely sorry for the loss of your DH 💐

You didn’t come across as sneery at all, and you don’t deserve the rudeness being directed at you.

CheapFoodShits · 20/10/2021 23:38

At my Nan's funeral, the vicar said "X suffered many headaches, most likely caused by the beatings she received from her father as a child". WTF is that? And neither my Dad or his sister (only surviving family) had any idea about these headaches. She did have a shit time with her Dad as a child, but what a bizarre place to mention it.

safariboot · 20/10/2021 23:52

My grandmother's eulogy lied about aspects of her life. Aspects where the truth would have been Jeremy Kyle fodder.

For my grandfather we basically ended up with two. One by his daughter and a second essentially by a long-time friend of his. Worked out well and meant we got a broader perspective.

PigletJohn · 21/10/2021 01:04

At my mother's funeral, I covered the part I knew about, up to her remarriage when I was written out. Non-family members knew nothing about that period.

Others covered the later part.

starrynight21 · 21/10/2021 01:13

If the widower was doing this on his own, it's understandable that he didn't know everything about his wife's previous life. The children should have been helping - if they didn't bother, that's on them.

starrynight21 · 21/10/2021 01:17

Eulogies can be tricky.

I recently went to the funeral of my son's friend who'd committed suicide in his 30's. He'd recently left his wife and two little children, for another woman. At the funeral, his wife stood up and gave a eulogy about what a wonderful life she'd had with him and their babies. Immediately after that, his new woman stood up and gave a eulogy about how wonderful he was as a partner, talked about romantic times they'd had, and their plans for the future. Everyone just sat there like stunned mullets , it was really weird.

BeaLola · 21/10/2021 01:49

I have suggested to DH that he write some notes about his early life prior to meeting me in his 30s - hopefully we have years ahead of us but it will make a difficult time easier than feeling like I have let him down by not including important facts

My Dad asked me to do my Aunts eulogy when she died at 90 - I included factual events and interwove with memories my Dad shared with me about their family life etc - none of the other surviving siblings wanted to contribute but some of her very dear friends did and that made it easier - chiding the music was hard as wanting to get it right for them

Last year when my Mother in Law died my DH asked me to deliver the eulogy. - he write most of it and I edited it so it flowed - he was pleased on the day with how it came across.

I went to a older friends funeral where only half her children were mentioned - despite all of them being there - that felt awful

I did think (like you do sometimes) about what I would like said at mine - I thought about that funeral scene in Love Actually where they play the Bay City Rollers music and montage - who knows

gofg · 21/10/2021 01:55

It's understandable that her husband wrote about his life with her rather than talking about her first marriage. Surely her children could have done a eulogy of their own?

Original poster

LaLaLouella · 21/10/2021 13:14

Well there's a difference between writing about what he knew whilst mentioning the fact she'd had a life before him versus pretending 30 years didn't happen.

When the children asked to contribute to the eulogy they were told he was handling it and was too upset to discuss it with them....

OP posts:

Original poster

LaLaLouella · 21/10/2021 13:15

And no, I don't think the children could have done their own eulogy, the vicar is one of the old school and it was a strict 5 minutes and then on to yet more sermon and prayers...

OP posts:

Lyndyloo17 · 15/12/2021 22:36

Just to give a different perspective. My DH had been married before. He was estranged from 1 child and only sporadic contact with another. Estranged child had stated years before she wanted nothing to do with him and made no contact when he died. DH had stated he did not want ex’s and Child 1 to have anything to do with funeral.
I was an absolute mess when he died and found the whole thing really difficult. Child 1 and ex’s weren’t included in eulogy as he wanted. Everything was restricted because of COVID and I could only focus on my heartbroken children. Other child was included as they had made contact. I think people forget what an awful time it is and grief affects you in strange ways. As my wise old dad says’ it’s hard to please people but it’s really easy to piss them off’

Willowkins · 15/12/2021 22:48

My uncle's eulogy covered his whole life including several marriages - turns out he'd written it himself.

Flip

1 2 3 4