Divorce - not sure how much longer I can go on for

[neverendingnightmare]

Please help.

I can't talk to anyone in real life.

Divorcing a narcissist. Every move is calculated, controlling and manipulative. I naively thought that leaving him would be the end of our problems... but 14 months later and the nightmare continues and keeps ramping up. I can't cope.

I have two very demanding jobs, am only just scraping by with money, survive on a few hours' sleep every night, attempting to be some sort of decent mum but can't even do that properly as I'm constantly crying. Am failing at everything. On top of this, the solicitors' letters and correspondence from STBXH is relentless. I can't keep up and am not coping at all. I'm off work this week and thought I could catch up with a few bits... but I haven't been able to. I'm just slipping further and further behind in absolutely all areas of both jobs, housework, legal stuff, money, everything. I arranged a day out for DC and myself today. It was our ONE day this half term to have a special day but I even fucked that up because I genuinely forgot that ex phones at 6pm on a Tuesday and we were still on our day out in London at this point. He'll now use this honest mistake against me. 8 y/o is saying stuff like she wants to kill herself but I can't afford counselling for her. Literally don't know what to do. Have just received a long list of stuff I'm behind on from solicitor but have no idea where I'm going to find time to do it all. Ex constantly arranges court dates as threats (e.g. he's taking me to court next month to force me to create an inventory of everything in the house) but I just can't keep up with everything. Supposed to be going away for a few days next week with my parents but even the thought of packing a suitcase is too overwhelming.

I can't cope and I don't know what to do. Can anyone that's been through this tell me that one day it'll be ok? Please? There never seems to be any end to any of it. My health is suffering big time. It's relentless and I'm physically and mentally exhausted. If it wasn't for my DC I would have topped myself by now. I just don't know how much more I can take.

Oh god op.

This sounds like a nightmare. What does
Your solicitor say? Surely the courts will see your ex husband is a cunt.

Sending hugs

So so sorry to hear what you’re going through .. am going through a divorce too and it has been exhausting .:
It’s nearly 2 years now and we still haven’t finalised everything .: please take care of yourself .. at the end of the day you only have 1 mind and body.. you need your wits and strength about you as much as possible. Take it slow - one day at a time. Ask for help. Take people up on their offers to cook or babysit. Get help with admin if you can, lean on friends and family. Ask work for some leave or speak to a sympathetic supervisor about time off. This isn’t something you can do alone .: reach out and remain as connected as possible.

I wonder whether you can get signed off on the sick to give you a breather. If you’re having suicidal thoughts you need to act now to create some space.

First of all if you have dark thoughts please call The Samaritans. They will listen.

Second, with the paperwork, take one thing at a time instead of seeing it as an insurmountable mountain. Literally take the first letter off the pile, do whatever is required of you, then do the same tomorrow and the next day and so on. One at a time. You can do this, you are a responsible parent who is trying her best. It’s bound to feel overwhelming at times. But you can do it.

And yes get the GP to sign you off work so you can step off the rollercoaster for a few days/weeks. And ask about CAMHS for your child. You shouldn’t have to pay

survive on a few hours' sleep every night

OP, you need sleep. Proper sleep. You can't keep surviving on too-little sleep - it will be making everything so very much worse. Of course you can't cope at the moment - you're absolutely exhausted. Get a few nights' proper sleep and then re-assess.

Thank you all. The kindness of strangers means a lot.

I can't get signed off from work as I only did so back in the summer and can't do it again so soon, plus I only started one of my jobs a few weeks ago and it would reflect very badly on me to take time off already.

One of my jobs is a teacher and, with the greatest will in the world, I know there is no point in making a referral to our local CAMHS for my DD. She would be on the waiting list just to be assessed for quite some time and may be given a few sessions before being discharged. I thought I could access counselling for her through a scheme my second employer buys into but it turns out she's too young. Last year I paid for private counselling for her but I am now on so much debt because of the divorce I just can't afford that any more. I have contacted her school to see if they can provide support but as it's half term it'll be two weeks before I can potentially put anything in place with them. It seems like a long time at the moment but at least it does feel like I've done something proactive. The other issue there though is that she's only saying she wishes she was dead and wants to kill herself when she's at home with me. In my mind, this is because she's able to express herself here (and I don't think she's going to do act on it btw at 8 years old, it's more a cry for help) but ex is so twisted if he finds out he'll use it to demonstrate how she's unhappy here and not when she's with him... and this could mean he had more access. I am therefore in the awful position of wanting to help her but not knowing if by doing so I am unwittingly setting her up for more contact with her dad in the longer term and actually making the situation worse.

In terms of dealing with one thing at a time, it's good advice and is what I'm currently trying to do. It's not working though as I'm falling further and further behind. I literally don't know what to do any more 😢

Thank you all for the support though. It's nice to know that there's someone to talk to. Thank you.

There is a lot of focus and noise at the moment about abusers continuing their abuse via the courts.
Would it help to get in contact with some of the organisations dedicated to helping people suffering this?
I think it would help next time you do go to Court to ensure these issues are front and centre. Greater protections have been put in place:
www.gov.uk/government/news/major-overhaul-of-family-courts-to-protect-domestic-abuse-victims
driveproject.org.uk/
www.theguardian.com/global-development/2021/mar/31/coercive-behaviour-must-be-prioritised-in-uk-domestic-abuse-cases-court-says?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea those links are really helpful, thank you. I do keep meaning to look things like that up but I become overwhelmed so for someone to just put them there has helped massively. He's great at twisting things and has somehow made out that I was the abusive one. Luckily the police and Cafcass saw through him but it's always a worry as to what will happen in court - particularly as his solicitor is as pushy and volatile as he is. I've already given in way more than I wanted to, just to make things easier. Thank you for your help though. I really appreciate it.

My ex tried the inventory thing, I gave him a 6 double pages of A4, listed every thing I could think of even if I didn't really want it plus at the bottom of the list I put "Everything either myself or my parents have paid for that isn't listed" His solicitor's eyes glazed over & she told him to get it sorted, he left with his clothes, a crappy TV unit the knackered DFS sofas, a television on it's last legs & the dining table I hated. I had copies of all bank & credit card statements & finance agreements for everything I had paid for & my parents had copies of everything they had paid for when I was renovating the house, he had never contributed to anything, I paid the mortgage & all the bills, the only thing he paid for was the broadband & his mobile phone.

The trouble is my ex's solicitor seems to love a fight just as much as he does and is encouraging him to do all these things. Some of the letters she writes me are ridiculous. If I was in a better frame of mind I could probably see it more as something to quickly get done and tick off the list but unfortunately it just feels like yet another huge mountain to climb.

OP do also be frank with your solicitor that you're struggling. They may be able to suggest things to help eg not sending you copies of the nasty letters on a Friday afternoon so you fret about them over the weekend; breaking down requests for info into bite size chunks or them approaching financial institutions directly for paperwork (with your authority). They probably know something is up because you're not on top of providing the info when asked, but remember they've been through this hundreds of times and so can help you navigate it all. They're there for support as well as legal advice.

Thanks @Elbie79 - you're right. I think that my solicitor must think I'm really incompetent but actually I'm just incredibly overwhelmed. Had very little sleep again last night and not sure how I'm going to get through today. Think I might phone the GP though and at least see if I can get something to help me sleep. Just being able to have a few solid hours of sleep might help a bit. Then maybe I can start to navigate everything else that I'm behind on.

Have you spoken to Women’s Aid? I know that will sound like just another thing to do, but where I am they provide outreach support and both my children received counselling through them.

I was I your position many years ago OP and you will get through but you need sleep to have the strength to carry on. I found telling one particular friend what was happening was helpful . She helped me with the children and to sort out all the paperwork. She was much “harder “ with ex than I was. She accompanied me to court and though she couldn’t come in it was helpful to have her in the waiting room giving the ex the evil eye ! Much as you need a break could the children go away with your parents and give you a few days to chill a bit and catch up . You need to look after yourself to be able to look after them . Look at Young Minds to see if there is anything there to help your daughter. She can always contact Childline by phone or online to chat about anything and it’s confidential to her unless they thought she was at risk.

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time OP. I went through a tricky divorce a few years ago. I wonder if a couple of things may help? Firstly, is there someone else your child could speak to while waiting for counselling? A family member or friend who works in a suitable field? I appreciate this is not a perfect solution but may offer some support in the interim. Secondly, is there a way to address your sleeping? Everything is so much worse when you are tired. Thirdly, my ex used a very combative solicitor and would return documents unsigned, demand that standard legal wording was changed in paperwork etc. Anything to delay the process that he had started. Every time he bounced unsigned paperwork was returned, the solicitor would contact me and then bill me for the time. After a couple of months I asked not to be informed of his behaviour unless it needed a response. For example, please contact me only when the paperwork is signed etc. I don't work in law but I understand from my solicitor that there are quite strict rules about behaviour of solicitors and combative / bullying behaviour is now supposed to be managed by the Law Society. Can you ask your solicitor to support you by grouping information together for you? In my case they also stopped any correspondence from my ex's solicitor to me directly. Everything went through the solicitor and it did relieve some of the pressure. Good luck.

What’s your relationship with your parents like?

Can you call them and ask for help? Sometimes you just need someone to swoop in and say ‘ right, first we’ll do this, then this, then this …’

I’d hope my daughter felt she could ask me for help if she were ever in a similar situation. Xx

OP there’s no limit to the amount of time you can take off sick. It is your right not to work if your doctor deems that you are not well enough to do so. Your employer must follow their sickness policy if this happens. Please reconsider this - it will give you time to rest and regather your strength. It’s an act of kindness to yourself

Put the ball back in your ex's hands. Tell him to draw up the inventory and you'll add to it any bits he's forgotten.

So sorry to hear what you’re going through. Sounds absolutely awful.

There are some organisations who offer free counselling for a children:

changingpathways.org/therapy-counselling/children-and-young-peoples-counselling/

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/parents-guide-to-mental-health-support-for-their-kids_uk_5e0dbbdbe4b0843d360e1a33/

You mention you’re a teacher. Are you a member of a union? They might offer free counselling and legal advice.

Good luck x

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I've very much been where you are and it was grim. It did get a lot better. I got stronger and the madness of the narc stopped being as potent. Is there anything you can do for you which is actual fun? I think it was the fun stuff that helped me start living again. That and the recovery tool kit course provided by woman's aid. We also found a brilliant play therapist at our local woman's aid and she was the best help I ever had for the DD's. I still like to break the old rules I used to have to live by. Silly things like not having tea ready at a specific time or hoovering in the evening! Feel the freedom! There's a tipping point that you reach that despite their last little grasps at control you realise you are free of them and life becomes colourful again. Good luck lovely