To tell my friend I need a break

[LoveGoldberg]

I have been best friends with my friend since the start of high school and we are now in our 30s. We used to go out clubbing every weekend and to the pub a couple of nights a week. We both got boyfriends around the same time and the amount we saw each other reduced massively (understandably). We would still do things but not as frequently, partly because she moved 30 miles away.

In the meantime I’ve developed hobbies that I do a couple of times a week which I really enjoy for the social aspect as well as the fitness side, I have got good at this hobby and now enter competitions which requires training, I have a dog now that I look forward to walking on an evening - and have a responsibility to do plus I like to have an evening or two at home with my partner.

My friend has split up with her partner and moved back to the area, she seems to have the expectation that I will switch my life back to how it was. She wants to go out every weekend, I have been out with her a couple of times but I just don’t like drinking anymore and I hate being in a club sober. I have invited her regularly to join my hobbies or dog walks but she says it’s boring.

Today she dropped me a waist trainer off as a gift and when I asked what it was she explained and said “so you aren’t as self conscious about your weight and don’t feel the need to skip booze so you can work out”. I’m not self conscious about my weight at all!

Since then I’ve had text messages complaining that I’ve changed and don’t make time for her because I’ve said I don’t want to go out this weekend, even though I have no plans - my plans are to do nothing as I have a competition next weekend so I want time to relax.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings because I do really care about her but I don’t want to change my lifestyle. I’ve tried suggesting making plans further ahead but she likes spontaneity, this doesn’t suit me though as I have commitments.

What can I do/say to her without upsetting her?

Unfortunately I don't think you'll be able to avoid upsetting her. She's already making unnecessary comments about your lifestyle and doesn't seem to respect your decisions.

I think it might be a case of saying you're happy to maybe go out for dinner with a few drinks which is a compromise for both parties but you won't be getting blind drunk anymore. If she's that bothered about going out she'll find someone who does enjoy it.

Her expectations of you are too high. You're good for trying to humour her but I think an honest conversation might not be far away and unfortunately she may not want to hear it. Good luck!

Just tell her you have a lot of prep existing commitments you enjoy and don't find boring. Just tell her clubbing is just as boring for you as your hobbies are boring to her.
Her circumstances have changed, so have yours.
Leave it at that.

So just because her and her partner have finished, she’s expecting you to just fit in and do what she wants to do?! Selfish of her!!

Can you explain that yours just not into boozing so much nowadays? Assert yourself, you're not being unkind and the truth isn't hurtful. Good luck.

I tried to say to her before about the fact I enjoy what I spend my time doing and she said that she never thought I would be the type of friend to drop her friends for a partner - we’ve been together 8 years, and I always feel guilty because I don’t think I spend enough time with him because I’m so busy!

When she was with her partner she would have always done something as a group if it was suggested or gone out if I had asked, but never was the one to make plans. So I think part of the issue is she remembers it as always saying yes to my suggestions and I’m not returning the favour, but my suggestions were maybe once a month rather than 2/3 times a week.

We used to go on holiday a lot when we were younger too and at the moment she is sending me links to holidays almost daily. I’ve had to tell her I can’t afford it, which is true, but I am planning a holiday with my partner which I’m dreading her finding out about because technically she did ask first. I don’t think I’m out of order for saying no to her to go with my partner am I? He won’t have a holiday if we don’t go together but she has other options!

It sounds like you have grown apart... it happens.... people change at different rates and directions and develop different priorities... it doesnt make either person a bad person its just life...

I think the physical side of spending time together has come to a natural end. You have tried to compromise by doing things she enjoys but she cant offer the same back to you. You either need to find a mutual interest or just stop spending time together.

If she was still with her partner would she want to go out as much or go on holiday with you? No, no she wouldn't.

She's using you to fill the gap her BF left. As soon as she finds a new BF she'll have no more use for you. Don't let her manipulate you into feeling bad.

You may have to be blunt with her. Tell her straight your not interested in living the 'single' lifestyle with her. People in long term relationships don't go clubbing 2/3 times a week. And it's only natural you would go on holiday with your partner of 8yrs instead of her and she damn well knows it.

Also the waist trainer was a serious dig, I can't believe you didn't tell her to fuck off.

Am I right that part (a big part) of the plans she wants to do with you involve being in places that she can meet a new partner? Including the holiday? I’m betting it ain’t an alpine hiking holiday.

If so, then it’s her that’s being a bad friend, not you. If it were about spending time with you, then walking your dog or starting a hobby together would be on the cards, no? If it’s just her whining that you aren’t being a good enough wing-woman, then there’s the starting point of your conversation.

I’d sit her down and say that her just hoping you’ll pretend to be single, a drinker, a person with no hobbies or responsibilities isn’t kind, and it just won’t work. Spell out the myriad things you do like to do with her, or would do in the future. Be clear about the frequency of meetups that works for you. Say it seems to you that this isn’t enough for her and she’s pushing you to be someone you aren’t. Tell her you’ll understand if she feels she needs to make/prioritise new mates who are also footloose like herself, and you’ll always make time for her when you can because you love her and appreciate the friendship.

Tell her clearly that it isn’t a ‘sisters before misters’ situation, that it’s just you having different priorities and different ways you want to carve up the free time you have. Make sure you throw in that yes, expecting to have one holiday a year with your partner is part of that, and surely not unreasonable? That it’s part of your joint financial and Leave planning for the year, every year. It’s unfair for her to frame this as you purposely excluding her when she comes up with spontaneous holiday plans.

Also, some thoughts on you facing this conversation (which must be had, and soon). Stop thinking of it in terms of ‘not hurting her’ or ‘not making her sad’. Her reactions belong to her, you aren’t in charge of them. You are in charge of setting or tweaking boundaries for yourself in life. You actually have stated your boundaries in myriad subtle and indirect ways, she’s chosen to ignore or trample them.

She’s not wringing her hands about being annoying to you, she’s giving you passive-aggressive gifts and pushing your limits daily. I’m not saying you should get mad, but it is the natural trigger point for having a boundaries conversation. Look up how to do this. Regardless of how she reacts in the moment, or if she blanks you for a while to process it, etc. You get to walk away knowing you’ve done it properly, calmly and with love. After all, you could have decided just to block her, yell at her or start lying or something else less healthy. You chose to be kind and reasonable. You are in fact the one trying to protect the friendship, as it transitions. If she decides that the transition isn’t to her liking- ok. You shrug and move on. And when she gets in touch with a new boyfriend in tow as if nothing happened, you decide how you feel about that and make your decision.

There might well be some upset and grief and confusion. That’s life for you. But employing assertiveness and boundary-setting (then boundary policing) is definitely worth it, and avoids more negative situations more long-term. If avoiding conflict is important to you.

I think you've grown up & she hasn't. You can try explain to her that you do still value her friendship, but that you life has expanded now & you enjoy things other than going pubbing/clubbing every weekend.

Don't tiptoe around her. Your life has changed from what it was years ago, that's normal.
You don't need to change back just to meet her needs.
Get her a dildo as a present in return for the waist trainer.

@MadameMonk has some brilliant advice and insights. I agree with this 100%.

She doesn't appear to care about upsetting you though does she. Maybe it's time to be as blunt to her as she's being to you.

Stop worrying about upsetting her... Sounds like she has skin as thick as a rhino..

Start saying No.. and repeat., that doesn't work for me.. stop explaining yourself and honestly.. if you have too.. block her .. she sounds like a selfish entitled cheeky mare 🌸

Yeah I lost a friend like this about 2 years ago

We went travelling together after uni and lived the single life together for a few years having a great time

Then when I met my boyfriend, got a full time job etc she couldn’t handle it - always going on about how I changed, why can’t I pack up and go travelling with her again, once she even asked if I could get rid of my boyfriend for the night so we could have a girls night at our place 😂

Then when I got engaged she said I wasn’t ready to get married

Anyway I just started to drift from her after that, and then one day she blocked me and I’ve never talked or seen her again since

And tbh I feel so much better for it

Just let the friendship end

Pray she finds a new bloke and leaves you in peace? In fact, send her links to some dating sites in return for the training gadget.

Today she dropped me a waist trainer off as a gift and when I asked what it was she explained and said “so you aren’t as self conscious about your weight and don’t feel the need to skip booze so you can work out”.

Fuck me, she isn't worried about hurting your feelings so I would try to worry a hell of a lot less about hurting yours just by being honest!

At best her doing that was utterly thoughtless, at worst it was cruel.

Don't pander to someone who doesn't respect you and your decisions.

She wants you to replace her partner in essence .

Sometimes you can't avoid hurting someone

You need to tell her she is right, you have changed. You don't enjoy clubbing and getting drunk any more. You like walking your dog and doing your hobby and there's nothing wrong with that. People change. Friends compromise. You do some things she likes and she does some things you like. If she wants you to pretend you're still into clubbing and drinking then that's not going to work.

You have outgrown her, simple as that. She wants to behave as if you are still in highschool when the reality is that your both in your thirties with responsibilities, and the drink tolerance that goes with that. Give her back the waist trainer and stop trying to be kind to a person that doesn't worry about hurting your feelings and will likely drop you like a hot potato as soon as another bloke comes along.

“Ah we did change definitely, settling down and growing up changed us! Sadly, you’ve gone back to wanting to be spontaneous but I need to plan. You’re a good friend and I care about you, we’ll have to meet in the middle and plan a little bit ahead for a nice meal out at least!”

“Holiday looks lovely but I definitely can’t afford 2, and I want to go away with John at some point”

She sounds annoyingly clingy and quite selfish. I agree with PPs who said she is trying to replace the gap her ex left and that she mainly wants you to go to places that involve her meeting a new partner ie bars or holiday resorts. I bet she wouldn't be as excited to go to a restaurant even if you ask her.

I had a friend like this and I just gradually distanced myself from her when I got pregnant because I didn't want her drama and constant invites to go on nights out anymore. She wasn't interested in socialising unless it involved her getting sex or cocaine. Also I'm in my 30s too now and the thought of going clubbing is just urgh. I like a drink but clubbing is just not my scene anymore. People change and life moves on and she needs to accept this.

This would drive me mad!!

You need to be honest, text her "Mary there seems to be some sort of crossed wires where you move back to the area, expect me to change my life/hobbies/routine and interests to facilitate you and if I don't then I have changed. I have not changed at all, in fact it seems to be my refusal to change that is irritating you. I am happy to go on an odd night out, as is I am happy for you to join me on walks etc. That said I need to honest and say if the digs and my life or things like the waist trainer insult happen again then I will need to take a break. My wants do not match your expectations. I have no desire to rewind time to when you lived her and I was younger and single"

Good post from @MadameMonk.

Do that, OP.