Husband not listening

[NewMum0305]

Need some perspective here.

Been with my husband 6 years, married for 3.

When we first got together, I marvelled at how well he listened: he would remember random things I said, people I’d mentioned - it wasn’t just the whole “making an effort with a new partner” thing; his memory was genuinely a marvel.

Fast forward 6 years and it’s like he has constant short-term memory loss. I know that years into a relationship, the effort made during the early days of dating just isn’t going to be there but it is just ridiculous. If I say e.g. “By the way, we’re out of eggs”, he’ll say: “Ok no problem” and then an hour later “What happened to all the eggs?”.
Every so often, I could let go - we all get distracted or don’t listen properly sometimes, but it is constant and it is driving me mad.

I have told him I find it disrespectful to constantly clearly not listen to me and worse still, when I point out that I have already told him something, he won’t just say “oh sorry, I must have forgotten” - he’ll act like it’s funny or bizarrely, as if he remembered what I said but was just asking again for “clarity”.

Am I being massively uptight here to find it supremely irritating and rude?

how old is he? is he showing other signs of cognitive decline?
TBH even if you know he's mentally fine in other ways, it might snap him out of this lazy listening habit if you ratchet up the "i'm really concerned about..." type comments whenever he forgets something.

40!

Mentally and cognitively absolutely fine - does a detail-oriented job, and has no problem remembering the minutae of other people’s lives. It’s just me he can’t be bothered to listen to.

I did suggest getting his hearing check when it got really ridiculous - but nothing has come of it (and I don’t actually believe it’s a hearing problem anyway).

My DH is the same - he says it’s because before me, he had to rely on himself and his memory - but the longer we’ve been together and the more I have taken in the ‘wife’ role, the less he feels he needs to remember…

Although that still isn’t an excuse 🤣

Glad to hear it’s not just me but still find it beyond irritating.

I spoke to my husband about it last night and he basically said I was making a big deal out of nothing

Is he on his phone a lot of the time when you tell him these things? If so I'd tell him to get off and listen to you.

Let him learn the consequences of not listening - if he was supposed to get eggs and didn't, then he doesn't get to eat eggs!

Maybe he's stressed or not sleeping well.

@vivainsomnia

Maybe he's stressed or not sleeping well.

This is a good point. He might be worrying about something.

I think it's unusual that he was so attentive previously. I think how he is now is fairly common - not that it is acceptable. But men and teenagers are good at zoning out when the woman in the house is asking for something 🤷🏻‍♀️
Why are you telling him about the eggs for example. Do you specifically want him to do something about the situation? If not he's probably not interested. Again not necessarily acceptable but if he's not interested then he's probably not listening attentively.

To be honest, I think you're quite vague.

By saying to him "By the way, we’re out of eggs” what do you want him to do with that information? Go to the shop? Or eat something else?

Its rude and disrespectful if he cant remember because he cant be bothered to listen. And it's a bit shit that you've told him it upsets you and he has come back with the 'overreacting' card. You are telling him how you feel, you're allowed to be upset!

If he isnt taking it seriously I suggest either just stop telling him things or start doing it back to him so he can see how annoying it us

The eggs examples isn’t a real example, sorry but theoretically I would say something like “The eggs are finished btw, I’ll add to the shopping list” to make him aware that eg if he’s planning an egg sandwich for lunch, there’s none left! But it could be anything e.g. “I’m just popping the the library with DC, I’ll be back about 4pm”, “Ok have a good time” and then when we get back “Where did you guys go?”

To the PPs who said it’s probably things he doesn’t find interesting, I think that’s absolutely true and if it was every so often, I could let it go, but it’s relentless. Also, the fact that he is asking me questions about what I’ve already told him (eg what happened to the eggs?) shows that the mundane information I’m giving is actually of use to him!

It’s not stress or lack of sleep, it is just laziness and as @DrinkFeckArseBrick said, I find it really disrespectful, especially as I have told him how much it frustrates me.

He has said this morning that he’s sorry “that I feel upset” and will try harder to listen or at least acknowledge when he hasn’t been listening rather than making a joke out of it. We’ve had the same conversation and he has said the same thing before so I am not holding out much hope, but just wanted a sense check as to whether I am being oversensitive

My DH does the same, its just lazy and disrespectful. I now tell him stuff 4 or 5 times straight after each other and then get him to repeat it back to me. He gets pissed off but funnily enough remembers. I will continue with this till he gets the message.

It will only get worse unless you put a stop to it, and yes I beleive that most men will do this if they can get away with it.

I’m not really sure how to put a stop to it. I’ve told him it annoys me. I now often check after I’ve told him something that he’s actually heard me and taken it in, but that just feels laborious and like a nag.

I feel like it’s really on him on change this situation, not me. He’s a grown man.

This doesn't sound right. He genuinely may have an issue that needs looking at.

@WakeMeUpin22 I know reading it, it sounds like memory issues or something more serious but he is absolutely fine in life generally, at work, remembers all the details from the little anecdotes other people tell him.

He is just lazy when it comes to listening to me tell him things he feels aren’t particularly important.

@NewMum0305

I’m not really sure how to put a stop to it. I’ve told him it annoys me. I now often check after I’ve told him something that he’s actually heard me and taken it in, but that just feels laborious and like a nag.

I feel like it’s really on him on change this situation, not me. He’s a grown man.

Tell him 2 or 3 times. Tell him why you are telling him so often, then make him repeat it back to you with EVERYTHING. Tell him that he will get pissed off with it quicker than you . Be a nag until he sorts it out, its just laziness. (As an addition, start ignoring what he tells you, see how he like it)

I've got a horrible feeling I'm like this. I'm stressed and already have a brain full of information with no room for any more. I regularly forget stuff that DH has told me.