Dealing with Ex's Family

[Pinkroses73]

Hi. Any opinions appreciated. I have a 10 year old. My ex husband left me when I was pregnant and he now lives abroad. I was married to him for 10 years and cut a long story short I was emotionally abused and gaslighted to the point that I thought I was going mad.

My ex has never been involved in my sons life, financially or emotionally. I met someone else years ago and he is a great partner and also dad to my son. We ended up moving only a few miles from where my ex sister in law lives. We were really welcoming to her and she came and dropped a present at christmas when we first moved and we said oh drop in, lets have lunch etc and her husband even said how welcome they were made to feel and it was great we were so close by. However, they never really bothered doing anything and for the past 5 years she has never contacted us and has posted presents in the mail to him. I usually send an email to say thanks and then attach a photo of him. However, it is getting really annoying receiving these presents now. As if she can't even be bothered to come in and hand the present to her nephew, especially when I know she passes our house on her way to work.

Should I just totally ignore the fact that the presents arrive and have no contact, or just continue as I have been with a brief thank you and here is a photo.

Thanks

Not sure what the AIBU is but I would just continue to send a thank you. I think it's good that she's remembering him. Don't think I'd bother with a photo though. Let her make the effort to come and see him. She may be scared of causing rifts in her family.

@urbanbuddha

Not sure what the AIBU is but I would just continue to send a thank you. I think it's good that she's remembering him. Don't think I'd bother with a photo though. Let her make the effort to come and see him. She may be scared of causing rifts in her family.

I should have made that clearer. AIBU if I ignore the presents and have no contact.

I am getting annoyed receiving them each year but I am not sure if its the right thing to do to ignore the presents.

Yes my ex will for sure have told her not to have any contact. He has been that way his entire life and keeps everything separate, secret, private. However, as my own sister says, if the circumstances were turned and I told my sister not to have contact with her nephew she would say no thats unreasonable. My ex has only ever occasionally emailed his sister a few times each year and I doubt that has changed but yes she does do what he says.

Why can't you just carry on as you are?

I can't understand why it's so difficult receiving a present a couple of times a year?

I would carry on receiving the presents, and getting your son to write to say thank you for them. I wouldn't have a problem with that myself.

Could you send the next thank you card from DS? So when the TY cards stop, she will think it’s DS who doesn’t remember, not you?

Someone cares enough to send presents a couple of times a year for your son, relative or not. I think that’s kind of them and of course you or your child should say thank you!

If you don’t want the contact/presents, tell this person so, don’t be passive aggressive about it.

The gift isn't for you though, its for your son, and as long as he appreciates it then its a nice gesture.
Your DS is old enough now though to write a thank you note. I wouldn't email photos.

I think she is in a really awful situation tbh. She clearly wants her nephew to know she cares, but as you say her DB has said jo contact.

Keep being decent and send thank you notes.

She obviously thinks of him enough to chose snd send a pressie each year. That’s really nice. For whatever reason, at the moment she doesn’t feel able to come in person. Keep sending the emails. At some point your DS will be old enough to decide what to do for himself. She is related to him, and eventually it will be his choice.

Maybe she feels awkward in relation to her brother not having a relationship etc. Could be that dropping off presents but not visiting is a happy medium? I have no idea but presnts are better than someone who rums aroumd to your ex telling them what you are up to etc.

Thank you everyone. I think I will get my son to write the thank you card himself this year and then decide further next year.

For the poster asking why is it so difficult to receive the presents. It is difficult as its a stab that she could not be bothered to be involved in my sons life. My son is of an age now that he is getting confused and upset by the presents. He knows she lives a couple of miles away and now understands its only a few minutes in the car. You can see it confuses him that he has an Auntie who lives a couple of miles away that he never sees and then posts a present to him. So I am then left trying to explain why to him.

One year she left the charity shop sticker on the present and it cost £1.49 yet cost nearly £4 to post it so the message is clear she does not want to see him.

My son is of an age now that he is getting confused and upset by the presents

Really? Never known children to have that reaction to presents…YABU

I wouldn't read to much into the charity sticker. Buying Christmas gifts from charity shops, charity goat is always being touted in here as good and environmental thing thing to do. If it's only twice a year - I think it's not a massive inconvenience.

I feel a bit sorry for her as you suspect she has been warned off by your ex. I think your it's easy for your sister to say 'it wouldn't stop me'. You spent 10 years with your ex and by your admission it was so bad you thought you were going mad. I don't doubt he has made it difficult for her.

If your son writes the thank you card he could suggest a meet up. Maybe the confusion is a curiosity and perhaps he has questions about that side of his family - not just his deadbeat dad.

Good luck OP

Maybe your child is not as family oriented then and is happy to just grab a present and run off all happy