Panic - time running out, life disappearing, feeling so bloody bleak.

[PanicAtThePoolside]

I was supposed to be getting married next week, to my boyfriend of 7 years. I called it off earlier this year, as I was waking up every day with absolute dread and knew it wasn’t right. I couldn’t breathe when I thought about the future, and was full of panic all the time.

He didn’t want to break up, but, now we’ve had some time apart, he’s very quickly moving on, is on apps etc. As soon as we broke up and called off the wedding I was able to breathe again. I feel like this must have been the right decision.

And yet…these past few days I’ve been having the most vivid dreams about him, and waking up feeling like I’ve made a mistake. No one knew me like he did. We had so much fun together in the past. Why did I feel so sick and anxious in those last couple of years together?

I was obsessed with the idea of being on my own. Now I am, I’m thinking…maybe it was fine with him after all? I’m thirty flipping two. I want children. Have I ruined my life over this? My head is such a mess…I won’t be able to date for ages. I can’t imagine being with anyone else.

Why is life so hard? I just feel like it’s been my destiny to screw everything up and be unhappy for ever. It should have been so perfect with him. I just wish I could have been able to breathe when I was with him. Towards the end I couldn’t sleep, and felt so physically sick and anxious around him.

Sorry. I just needed to vent. To maybe hear some stories of hope from people who divorced/ ended serious relationships at a similar age, and went on to have children and other happy relationships, and to find peace. Thank you.

You wanted things to be perfect, a future with children together and happiness. Not a future where you felt panicked and dreading decades together.

You're grieving the loss of what it could have been, which is absolutely legitimate, but don't forget what it actually was. Because while you're 100% allowed to be sad that it wasn't what you wanted, down the line you'll realise it's like being sad you haven't won the lottery or don't own a mansion in the Bahamas - you haven't cut off your chance of it happening, because it wasn't ever going to be that in the first place. That sounds harsh, but it's not meant to: what I mean is, don't feel like you've ruined your chance at something perfect with him when you've actually done a brave, beautiful thing in realising it wasn't perfect and creating space in your life for other, better things to happen instead of holding onto something which wasn't what you wanted anyway.

One of my aunts met her now-husband at 35 having ended a relationship of 12 years - they're happier and more solid than anyone I know, and she credits that with being fully 'herself' by the time they met. She knew who she was and what she wanted, and she wasn't so young that she was going to change her mind about those things.

A work colleague met his wife at 38, she was 36, they now have 2 beautiful children and a wonderful, happy marriage, and he doesn't regret the 6-year marriage he ended before he met her, because - like my aunt - it meant he was someone who knew what he wanted in a relationship and what was important to him and when he met someone who was right, he had none of that mid-20s fear of "Well, I guess it's serious now so whether it's right or not, I'll stick with it".

You will be fine. Treat yourself kindly while you grieve the change in your life - nobody spends more than a fifth of their life so far with someone and doesn't feel the absence of them when they're not there - but don't write yourself off yet. You're brave enough to call time on something that wasn't working - that takes emotional intelligence and knowing yourself, and those things will be so useful as you figure out what's next.

Youve undergone a massive change. Be kind to yourself. Try not to read into your feelings/dreams. You're just feeling the door of that one path of possibility closing. It doesn't mean no more doors will open.

Embrace your life; go after you want. It may look different to what you thought it would 7 years ago, but I think in a year you will look back and know that you did what was right for you at the time.

You still have your whole life ahead of you (Signed, A fellow 32 year old)

Nobody walks away from the love of their life for no reason. He wasn't the one and you know that deep down.

It's very healthy you've had some time alone to work out who and what you really want.

How old are you, OP?
One of my aunts didn't meet her husband till her mid 30s, kids at 37 and 39. Very late for the 70s/80s but she didn't despair; she'd escaped an abusive marriage first.

Met DH at 36 ish and have DD, I’m 43 now.
I wasn’t bothered about meeting someone or not and I think that’s when it happens.

32 is young, it sounds as though you have done the right thing

It's brave to leave when you're not happy, very brave. Never ever settle. You miss him, you were with him for a long time it would be strange if you didn't. But he wasn't the man for you.

Thank you so much, lovely people of Mumsnet ❤️ I keep re-reading these replies, and will save them to read again for strength.

I was in this position at age 28. Called off a long relationship with my boyfriend who was perfect on paper and everyone expected us to get married but it didn't feel right to me.
I panicked a bit wondering if I made the right decision
No kids or marriage yet, but I am now 31 and living with a partner that I can safely say is the love of my life and we have begun talking about marriage and it is so exciting to me rather than daunting as it felt with my ex. I know I want to be with him for the rest of my life and hopefully have a family together, and I never felt sure like this with my ex, so thought it was just me and I was not the "marriage and family" type. Turns out I am...just not with the wrong guy.
What I would go back and tell 28 year old me...
Your gut is your friend. You don't make these decisions for no reason- there is something compelling you, telling you it isn't right. You cannot think of shoulda woulda coulda happiness. If you hadn't have done it you would be miserable. You might miss him/worry you made the wrong decision at first, but that feeling will soon pass and i personally feel it is not as bad as feeling trapped and wondering what might have been had you left. Noone can tell what might have been, but between those two options, the staying sounds like a more certain recipe for unhappiness and the leaving more prospect of potential happiness... I'd take those odds of potential happiness vs almost certain unhappiness any day.

(Hope that makes sense and not too rambling...commuting and on my phone)

I ended a long term relationship when I turned 30. We were engaged but I just couldn't see myself marrying him. There was nothing outrageously wrong. It just didn't feel right.

I moved out and moved on. Bought my own place. Met someone new but that was a dreadful relationship!

Fast forward to a couple of years later and I met DH. He is the bloody best thing that ever happened to me! Everything that happened before all made sense.

Trust your instincts. Your relationship wasn't right. The right one will come along. You just need to be patient.

That first reply from @scarpa is perfect. Read it, reread it. It's very good advice.

Well done for being so brave. It would have been easy to sleep walk into an unhappy marriage and raise kids with someone you didn't love. You've done a brave thing, and I very much hope you will be all the happier for it

You have absolutely definitely done the right thing. Your future self will thank you.

From now on, you can trust your gut and make all decisions in the same way- by asking yourself... “is this a decision my future self will thank me for?”

And if the answer is yes... then no matter how scary or challenging it is... just go for it, take the leap and remember, you are investing in your future- a future in which you are going to be content and thriving.

You are always one decision away from a completely different life. Make sure you don’t invest in things that aren’t adding value to your life.

It’s so much easier to bear the challenging parts of today if you know it will ultimately allow you to embrace (or even create) the best bits of tomorrow.

Just because it’s raining now, doesn’t mean you aren’t headed for sunshine.

The decision you’ve made will have altered the entire trajectory of your life and from reading your post, it sounds like you’re now on the right path- you are exactly where you need to be.

I’ve got an 8 month old (and I got married at 36) and I WISH I could go back and tell my 32 year old self to GO OUT AND HAVE FUN! Seriously, you sound amazing and brave and intelligent. Please, take yourself out on a date- invest in you, don’t ever settle and my god, if you’re planning on having kids then make the most of every second you have to yourself right now!! :D

I used to take myself out to the cinema and have nights in on my own, just to prove to myself that I could and that I was enough. By the time I got married I was finally ‘enough’ for myself... I got married because I wanted to rather than because I felt I ought to or because I was settling.

You owe it to yourself to do the same.

I’ve had some crazy New Year experiences but i can honestly say the best one I’ve ever had was the one I chose to stay in on my own, cook myself a lovely meal and watched David Attenborough in the bath! Then I drew an image of all my goals for the year... and with a crystal clear head, I got an early night and slept better than I’d done in years...

We had exactly one life with which to do every single thing we will ever do and therefore we must act accordingly.

Please don’t think that anything you’ve done has been a waste of time- it has all been vital learning and it has got you to where you are now.

Welcome to the rest of your life- the new improved version!

Write yourself a letter, from you to your future self... promising to always do right by yourself and invest in your own happiness so that you can meet the right person. Pour your hopes and dreams and anxieties into it... ask your future self any questions you want to. Then seal it... and only open it when you know you’ve become that person, when you’ve met that person and have become that future self.

You’ve got this!

Wishing you all the best things in the world :)

Thank you so much, everyone. @amoobaa your reply just made me cry! So glad things have worked out well for you, and I so appreciate your kind words. I will be re-reading all of these messages again and again for strength.

I was married to my second husband and he made me feel that same kind of anxious panic just to be around him after a while. I knew in my bones he wasn't the man I wanted to have children with, but I also felt like being twice-divorced at 30 would leave me with a reputation and no more options for having the family I wanted.

I'm turning 38 in the spring. A few weeks later I'm due with my fourth baby. I've had my children with my incredible third husband, who is downstairs teaching lessons to our other three children, right now as I type this. My career has never been brighter. When you meet the right person, they lift you up higher than you thought possible.

I was 32 when my then fiancé left me for the mother of our godchildren. His 3rd affair, although I didn't know about number 2 at that time. He had worn me down to the point where I felt useless and unloveable and like I was destined for the scrap heap. I kept our dogs, one of whom was a previously very abused dog who took months or years to cope with a new person in his life. I certainly did not expect to meet anyone until I was far too old to have children. I also just didn't trust or want another man in my life. 5 years later, at 37, I met someone at work. My nutty dog took an instant liking to him and he didn't very good job of convincing me that he was worth a chance. I am now 43, married to him and we have a 3 year old, who is just amazing. Both dear old dogs have long gone, but we waited until we had had a child and moved house to somewhere with amazing dog walking and a new dog should be joining us early next year. It was a hard 5 years of healing and having our daughter wasn't straightforward due to recurrent miscarriages, but we are here, living a beautiful life together.