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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what advice I can offer my brother?

18 replies

TableFlowerss · 19/10/2021 09:36

My brother and partner ‘Sam’ of 8 years are both early 40’s (she’s just turned 41 last week)

They’ve been trying for a baby for about 18 months and she did fall pregnant twice, but both times sadly it ended in early miscarriage.

(Sam has a 19 year old son so can carry children)

I knew my brother wanted kids, but I got the impression it wasn’t his absolute priority. He wanted to make sure he was financially secure and got the job of his dreams before trying for children and this didn’t happen until he was about 39. Had he not got his big promotion he said he wouldn’t try for kids as he’d worry about whether they could afford them.

Whilst that’s a great attitude to have about having children in some ways, it made me think it would be nice, but not the end of the world for him, because if it would be devastating not to have them, you would have them regardless of the financial circumstances imo (even if he did get a promotion he was on 30K and lives in the north. She also works full time) I also wondered why they left it so late but he says he wasn’t ready beforehand.

Anyway, he came to my house yesterday and was visibly on edge. He said he doesn’t think he’s ever going to be a dad as it looks like it’s not going to happen for them and I could see tears in his eyes. He said Sams 41 now and obviously chances are she’s too old now.

I felt really sorry for him, and I didn’t really know what to say other than, it does happen still but I agree as the months go on it’s less likely.

Sams the love of his life but if they stay together then it’s unlikely he’s going to be a dad. If they separate he could meet someone else but it’s likely to be anybody rather than someone he really loves.

I mean, what advice would you give to him, it’s so hard….

OP posts:

Original poster

TableFlowerss · 19/10/2021 09:38

even if he didn’t get a promotion he was on 30k

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 19/10/2021 09:40

I would be a listening ear

They have made decisions which meant trying for a baby at age 39 and sadly fertility etc is in decline for women at this point

Doesn’t mean it can’t happen but it’s harder as they’ve sadly found out

Only your brother has partner can decide what they need to do next for their relationship and if it is a deal breaker or not (having a baby) - it’s a sad situation for sure

rubyslippers · 19/10/2021 09:41

He’s made choices conscious or not re money and not being ready - different in your 20,s to hang on vs late 30’s
He knows this and they are where they are - encourage him to talk to his partner

Stompythedinosaur · 19/10/2021 09:42

I wouldn't give any advice. He presumably can work out his own options. I'd just support him whatever he chooses.

SarahAndQuack · 19/10/2021 09:43

I think I would be very cautious about offering anything other than sympathy. I wouldn't offer advice, for a couple of reasons:

I have to say, I bet Sam realised it might be too late, because women tend to be told this more. It shocks me a little you are talking about him leaving her for someone younger, when your account of their relationship indicates he was the one who wanted to delay ttc. Maybe I am misunderstanding that, but if that's the situation, actually, he needs to take a bit of a look at himself and I would be reserving some of my sympathy for Sam.
He might very well want to talk without needing 'solutions'. IMO in our society there is not a lot of space for people to talk about how sad it is not to be able to have kids - people always want to solve the problem by asking if you've thought of adoption, or have you tried this, or have you tried that. Sometimes you might just need to sit with the grief for a bit. In a way, I think pushing towards 'advice' can make people feel their grief isn't legitimate in itself, or as if they need to do something in response to that grief.

RedHelenB · 19/10/2021 09:43

Depends where the fertility problems lie. Just be a sympathetic listener, nothing you say will magically make things better. He can still be a dad, surrogacy, adoption, long term fostering. I'm sure if he and Sam love each other they will work out how they can make the best of their life together.

WakeMeUpin22 · 19/10/2021 09:44

My advice is to keep trying. If they want a baby so much, then that's what they'll have to do. Persevere and stay positive.

It sounds as though he wasn't ready to become a dad and was using financial security as an excuse. He must've known her biological clock was ticking especially as she was 33 when they got together. Its not impossible for her to carry a healthy baby at her age.

AtLeastPretendToCare · 19/10/2021 09:47

So he delayed and delayed TTC until his partner was 39 and is now complaining because he has left it too late? My sympathy is with Sam TBH.

In a practical level if they are serious I would go for fertility tests ASAP to see what the state of affairs is.

Yarboosucks · 19/10/2021 09:47

This one of those situations where you do not offer advice, only a sympathetic ear!

He is an adult and has made choices. If Sam is "the love of his life", would you advise him to leave her and find a breeding mare?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2021 09:49

@AtLeastPretendToCare

So he delayed and delayed TTC until his partner was 39 and is now complaining because he has left it too late? My sympathy is with Sam TBH.

In a practical level if they are serious I would go for fertility tests ASAP to see what the state of affairs is.

I agree with this. She’s had a child before, he might be the issue.

Original poster

TableFlowerss · 19/10/2021 09:51

Yes a couple of you have pointed out what I’ve been thinking regarding Sam. I feel sorry for my brother of course, but I feel sorry for her as she was going along with his wishes as he wasn’t ready until 39.

OP posts:

shouldistop · 19/10/2021 09:55

I wouldn't give any advice, it doesn't sound like he's asked for any.
I'd just be a sympathetic ear.

aSofaNearYou · 19/10/2021 09:58

I do agree that your DB has been really foolish here.

But I would just be there for him, advise him to keep trying (as even in the best of times it can take a long while), or seek medical advice about next steps.

Clandestin · 19/10/2021 10:03

But has he actually asked for any advice? Surely you’re not expecting to get involved in talking through whether he should leave him partner to find someone younger and more fertile to impregnate?

Original poster

TableFlowerss · 19/10/2021 10:06

@Clandestin

But has he actually asked for any advice? Surely you’re not expecting to get involved in talking through whether he should leave him partner to find someone younger and more fertile to impregnate?

He hasn’t yet, but I suppose that’s my worry in the coming weeks. I suppose I could just say ‘Do what you feel is right and best for you’

OP posts:

Original poster

TableFlowerss · 19/10/2021 10:08

Thanks for all your replies. You’re right, I’ll just listen and not offer advice as such. If he asks me directly what he thinks he should do, then I’ll come back on here and ask you lot 😂

OP posts:

LIZS · 19/10/2021 10:09

Surely they could arrange fertility tests before any decision. Otherwise he may just need time to come to terms with it never happening.

User527294627 · 19/10/2021 10:28

Does he want advice? Or is he just looking for support?

It would be pretty shitty of him to ditch his girlfriend for a younger model who is more likely to be able to have children after he held off on wanting them for years, so I assume you wouldn’t advise that anyway.

I would just continue to be a listening and empathetic ear when he needs one without worrying about advice.

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