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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to let xdp pay for a cleaner?

26 replies

Blueyellowgreen1 · 19/10/2021 09:21

I have DC with my ex partner, he was useless for the first few years of their life, but within the last year or so he has turned things around - reliable with contact, pays a reasonable amount of maintenance, etc

At the handover yesterday I mentioned being swamped with housework, and he offered to pay for a weekly cleaner. We have a small flat, so I’d imagine 2 hours would be plenty of time. I would not be able to afford a cleaner myself.

AIBU to accept his offer? I feel a bit guilty at the thought for some reason - but don’t want to martyr myself!

Tia

OP posts:

Brollywasntneededafterall · 19/10/2021 09:21

What's the catch?
Because there likely will be one...

Original poster

Blueyellowgreen1 · 19/10/2021 09:22

For background, I work full time, and I am studying a degree part time, I also have care responsibilities for an older family member, so very very short on time, hence feeling overwhelmed with the household stuff!

OP posts:

CocaColaTruck1 · 19/10/2021 09:22

I wouldn't complain tbh 😂

Original poster

Blueyellowgreen1 · 19/10/2021 09:24

@Brollywasntneededafterall

What's the catch? Because there likely will be one...

He genuinely seemed to offer out of kindness!

OP posts:

MrsVain · 19/10/2021 09:24

Take it!
No strings attached. Think of it as being for the children rather than for you.

Meatshake · 19/10/2021 09:25

Depends on your relationship with him, if generally amicable then yeh go for it, if there's a hint of him using it to control or manipulate (eg in court "she's so lazy I had to pay for a cleaner to keep the kids safe") then hell no!

Brollywasntneededafterall · 19/10/2021 09:26

Once asked my exh to bring some wipes..
He had a solicitor send me a letter saying he should have the baby (not his) as I obviously couldn't cope!!
Maybe not immediately but a string will appear op....

Original poster

Blueyellowgreen1 · 19/10/2021 09:28

@Meatshake

It’s been completely amicable for the past year or so - no trouble at all, pays half of any DC’s things, never let them down with contact timings. I really can’t imagine him ever trying to take me to court over DC - I think he’s happy with our current arrangement with contact as it means we are both able to continue our jobs without worrying about childcare

so the offer did seem genuine rather than having any ulterior motives!

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 19/10/2021 09:29

If it’s a genuine offer take it and ask for 3 hours so extras like cleaning the fridge, some ironing or bed changing can get done.

Result.

Goldbar · 19/10/2021 10:03

Take it. I'm sure you're a fab mum, but it will be good for your kids to live in a tidy home with a mum who is feeling a bit less overwhelmed. It's nice if your ex realises that too.

Meatshake · 19/10/2021 10:17

Well in that case take him up on his offer- it's a lovely example of kindness and decency for him to demonstrate to your kids.

DrSbaitso · 19/10/2021 10:27

Just do it and don't worry about it.

TheChiefJo · 19/10/2021 10:31

It's a thoughtful and genuinely helpful gesture from your DC's other parent. A nice way of lifting a bit of your burden. I'd thank him and accept the help.

girlmom21 · 19/10/2021 10:31

Are either of you in new relationships etc? As long as it's not him trying to wriggle his way back in then why not.

2020isnotbehaving · 19/10/2021 10:34

Take it! It’s equally a gift for your kids in that they have you less stressed and rushing around with work and studying. Presumable once you get qualifications you have more time or money to sort yourself one day.

Caramellatteplease · 19/10/2021 10:37

Ask for the equivalent amount in child maintenance. Do not let him pay direct

toocold54 · 19/10/2021 10:43

I personally wouldn’t be comfortable letting my ex pay for things like that for me. I’m not sure why it just doesn’t sit right. Unless he is worried about the impact it’s having on the DCs.

DGFB · 19/10/2021 10:46

Take it - it’s an offer for your children if nothing else. It will free up your time!

VladmirsPoutine · 19/10/2021 10:50

@DrSbaitso

Just do it and don't worry about it.

I'd go with this. Just take the offer and if he begins to change the rules of the deal then respond accordingly. What's that saying about gift horses/mouth!

forinborin · 19/10/2021 10:51

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Once asked my exh to bring some wipes.. He had a solicitor send me a letter saying he should have the baby (not his) as I obviously couldn't cope!! Maybe not immediately but a string will appear op....

Yes, I'd be watching out for something like this too. That in a year's time he does not turn up in court with a years worth of cleaners' invoices claiming that you are mentally unwell to the extent you are unable to do basic chores, and unfit to look after the children. Every time my exh offered some "help", no matter how small, it came later to something like this.

DrSbaitso · 19/10/2021 10:54

It's a cleaning service, not the head of John the Baptist. It'll make your life easier and better and he's the father of your children who live with you, they benefit too. Don't agonise, don't assign moral values, just accept the nice thing he's offered and enjoy it. If it starts to become a problem, which you don't anticipate happening, just cancel.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/10/2021 10:58

He wants his children to live in a pleasant environment and that's fair enough. I know what you mean about accepting something from him weekly though. Maybe you could accept a one off spring clean type thing?

Caramellatteplease · 19/10/2021 11:03

Some ex's the head of John the Baptist would come with less strings attached...

Also John the Baptist's head can't be counted against your benefits if you claim any. Money paid by someone else for a regular service can. As can money coming direct to you as spousal support.

I wouldnt care too much about agonising/assigning moral values if it comes in as child support, like john the Baptist's head, that's disregarded in calculations too

Triffid1 · 19/10/2021 11:05

I think if you have a generally amicable relationship and good co-parenting, it's perfectly fine and it's nice that he wants things to be comfortable and nice for his DC (because clearly he's not doing it for you but for them).

Of course, a casual comment to check that this is not instead of other payments etc and you could assure him that if he changes his mind or can't afford it at any point, that would be fine.

I appreciate that DH's parents are older and their children are all adults, but they have a similar sort of casual give and take. She still organises presents for their DC and DGC on their combined behalf, he still does any day to day DIY for her. Whatever works for individuals.

DrSbaitso · 19/10/2021 11:06

@Caramellatteplease

Some ex's the head of John the Baptist would come with less strings attached...

Also John the Baptist's head can't be counted against your benefits if you claim any. Money paid by someone else for a regular service can. As can money coming direct to you as spousal support.

I wouldnt care too much about agonising/assigning moral values if it comes in as child support, like john the Baptist's head, that's disregarded in calculations too

I want to respond with a laugh emoji, but that would come across as a sarcastic laugh, and I don't mean that. I mean: funny and good post.

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