To ask about your relationship with your 16/17 year old DS and ask how I can improve mine?

[Turbulence]

DS is 17 in a couple of weeks. He’s never been a big talker or sharer of what’s going on at school etc but recently I’m lucky to get a grunt. If I try to ask him anything he gives me the bare minimum or accuses me of nagging. My DH barely has a relationship with his DM and I am so worried that this is going to happen to me with my DS.
As far as I know DS has no problems at the moment. He has a good group of friends, likes his teachers and is enjoying 6th form, but he never volunteers any information - I have to ask him and I get no detail at all. Is this normal? Can I do anything to improve things?
I have a 14 year old DD as well and she fills me in on every aspect of her day in detail and actively shows me what she’s been doing at school. I feel awful that my relationship with DS is so different.

My ds was and is very much like this. I learned to choose my moments. For example, I get much better conversations with him when I'm driving. Constantly asking questions and trying to get information was futile. I just tried to make sure that he knew I was here if he needed to talk about anything. It's really difficult though!

My 14 Yr old DD grunts
It's a phase
Back away
Show love with treats

Totally normal. It changes when they move out so make sure he does as soon as reasonable.

I have the best conversations with my DS, going out together, he is the one who calls me.

I only had grunts too when he was 16/17.

This is very reassuring thank you. I feel like I’m doing something wrong but don’t know what. I’m having many sleepless night worrying I’m a rubbish mum

Pick your moments to chat, when driving is good. Also try and do things with him that he likes so a film, out for cake, little things that mean you spend fun time together. At 17 he will want to keep much of his life private but letting him know he can open up is important without bombarding him with questions. It is a difficult age I think and I found it hard but it does get better. I also think that now you can be honest and say I miss our chats, being close, I love you he may grunt and huff but it will go in. I used to buy ds his favourite biscuits or put a treat out for him, it showed I cared, and I think he liked that nonverbal connection.

Mines really chatty but both my teens can squirrel themselves away. They get bored of answering questions, questions grate on them. I find the best thing is to engage in an activity which isn’t about asking them things about themselves. So games, films, gaming, escape room, walks if you can drag them out! And talk about stuff that isn’t stuff.

It’s awful isn’t it? Mine is the same and he is now 20. He is the same with DH.

It makes me really sad as I so miss the days where he was chatty and cuddly.

Why does your DH not have a relationship with his mum?

@Holly60 they never did have. I think she never bonded with him or his younger DD. She is not remotely interested in his life and very rarely contacts him, DH does the obligatory Sunday night phone call and feels sad every time.

I second the driving, they seem to open up more.

I think you are worryiing too much because of the problematic relationship your DH Has.

I have a son who like yours is far far less chatty and forthcoming than my daughter - I think the answer is to stop asking questions and try to 'do' activities with them.

Board games? Video games? Cinema trip every couple weeks? Whatever he really cares about could you connect with him through that a little bit - even if it only works for 10 mins!

My son loves card games....

Just show him you are there for him and care about him - I think with boys (or children ) who are more into 'do ing' than talking that is what works.

I think it is normal that they don't want to chat to their mum and as long as you are caring and there when they need you the relationship will be astrong one

Treats are a good idea. Mine is older now, but at 17 we had a great relationship. I used to do things like bringing home McDonald's breakfast for him on the weekends, taking him long distances at early hours to catch a wave, leaving notes in his school bag for him to find. At that time, the love often seemed to be going one way, from me to him, but as time went on he became more loving , and now it couldn't be better.

DS17 finds it much easier to open up in the car. We used to have a long school run when he was younger so it’s a comfort zone for him. In fact he offloads probably more than he should and I know things about his friends that their parents are oblivious to. He trusts my confidentiality (I find it easy as an HVP), which helps, sometimes they want to offload but are wary that you may tell their friends parents. However, he does know that if I think one of them is spiralling out of control I will say something.
Grunts and slouches around at home but is starting to emerge from his room for a chat occasionally.

HVP - HCP

Take the focus off "chatting" and think more about "doing" something together.

Lots of teens aren't big fans of just chatting - they feel awkward and judged etc (even if you don't mean that)

Is there something you can do together. Go see a sports match? Play crazy golf - various big cities have trendy "urban golf" bars where you play a silly game in a cool environment. Try a totally new exotic restaurant together? Go sky diving?! A comedy show?
Something to take the pressure off chatting about himself and you can chat about the activity you are doing instead.

I agree, chatting whilst driving definitely takes the pressure off. I’ve also watched some random stuff with DSS over the teenage years, not stuff I would necessarily choose, but it gives us something to chat about!

Also, we have very much operated on an open house policy, throughout his teen years (he’s now 18) - friends are pretty much always welcome to come round and hang here/stay over. If I’m cooking and there’s enough food going they’re welcome to stay and eat. Although to be fair to DSS, he’ll more often cook for them now.

I’m definitely going to try not to worry so much and back off a bit. I agree DS does actually volunteer information when we are driving to places.
Thanks for the suggestions I feel much more hopeful already!

Do you bombard him with questions?

I'm 32 and barely tell my mum anything because she will ask 1000 questions and it drives me mental!

[quote Turbulence]@Holly60 they never did have. I think she never bonded with him or his younger DD. She is not remotely interested in his life and very rarely contacts him, DH does the obligatory Sunday night phone call and feels sad every time.[/quote]
I asked because I wanted to be able to say to you don’t worry, because unlike your MIL I’m sure you’ve set really strong foundations. He will come back to you. The fact you are worried about it means that you’ve done everything right. Try not to worry and keep showing your love

Totally normal, my DS is 18, living and working away from home and while he does talk a fair bit when he's had some excitement at work its still like getting blood out of a stone at times!