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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get a bit upset about my birthday

25 replies

beautifulview · 19/10/2021 06:52

My birthday reminds me every year that I have very few close friends. The kind who pop by and drop a card off on your birthday., This year I got cards from my kids, my parents and my sister. That’s it. Is anyone else in the same boat as me? I don’t know how I got to this stage. I try hard to make friends and always invite people out for coffee etc. I just can’t seem to click beyond the surface level with people. I have a couple of friends but they don’t do cards. One buys me dinner on my birthday and the other is a religion that doesn’t recognise birthdays. I just wondered if I’m BU to let no cards from friends on my birthday bother me?

OP posts:

Haus1234 · 19/10/2021 06:57

I have lots of good friends, none of who would give me a card on my birthday unless I had a party or something - it’s just less of a thing these days. Buying you dinner on your birthday is much better! Don’t reduce your two lovely friends in your mind because of this.

TopCatsTopHat · 19/10/2021 06:59

I also don't get cards, but don't feel a lack of friends so its not the cards it's the reminder you don't have what you would like to have.
Emotions like these tell us there is something we're not happy with, it's a prompt for change.
Sounds like you have tried to build friendships and why it hasn't worked as well as you'd like we don't know but perhaps it's worth another go if it's a source of unhappiness, could you try special interest groups, volunteering or sports etc.
You're not alone in this problem, I've seen a few threads recently where a lack of friends has been a problem shared by many.

Foghead · 19/10/2021 07:01

None of my friends buy me a card, in fact they probably don’t even know when it’s my birthday. It’s just not a big deal these days.
How lovely that you have a friend that takes you out to dinner.
You have your kids, parents and sister and you have friends. Count your blessings.

PigeonPigPie · 19/10/2021 07:01

I only receive cards and gifts from family. Get a few texts from friends but not being on Facebook anymore I think most people don't even know when my birthday is... Your two friends sound lovely x

Choice4567 · 19/10/2021 07:02

The things you do receive are more important than cards

Original poster

beautifulview · 19/10/2021 07:04

Thanks for your replies. That helps a lot. I don’t have much free time so I struggle to go to groups or do hobbies. I have a very busy job that involves working long hours at home and when I’m not working I want to spend time with my kids. I also don’t know how to go to specialist groups. There really isn’t much in my area and I attend things online but it doesn’t really help build friendships. I’d love a group of close friends but no idea how to build that. I think I’m a loner maybe

OP posts:

Dozycuntlaters · 19/10/2021 07:07

I can see why that would make you sad but.... flip the coin. I do get cards from friends but I never get them from family and that makes me sad. My mum and dad have sadly died, my brother and sister never remember plus are scattered far and wide. Makes me sad that my family is so small so honestly OP, be thankful you have a nice close family and try not to let it upset you.

junebirthdaygirl · 19/10/2021 07:08

I have friends for years and l don't know when their birthdays are. Some other friends l do as they often plan little a get together. I get cards from dh now and my dc and that's it except for big birthdays. My parents always sent me a card but they have passed away now. My siblings put a message up on whatsapp page as do a few friends. Just forget about it and enjoy your friends. Its no reflection on you. I think with Facebook etc cards are nearly gone. Your friend who buys you dinner is an amazing friend.
Have a good birthday

dottiedodah · 19/10/2021 07:10

I think you are doing OK tbh! A few close friends is better than several flaky ones .the media builds up an image of a big group ,which isn't true for many people. You sound blessed with your family as well.bd are a time to take stock .maybe see if an evening class or new hobby might be in order

Original poster

beautifulview · 19/10/2021 07:13

What hobbies do other people do that help build friends? My idea of a good hobby is on my own building a jigsaw!

OP posts:

Amandasummers · 19/10/2021 07:15

Op I completely get you. It’s my birthday soon too and I always give this big “I hate my birthday” vibe off and every year I’m secretly really sad….it’s taken me a long time to figure out that this is kind of what the problem is? It’s a stark reminder that I don’t really have anybody in my life who seems to really care and that’s what my birthday highlights for me. It sucks. Even more so because I have a partner and a family….and I still feel this way 😔

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 19/10/2021 07:16

Quality over quantity any day of the week OP.

WarriorN · 19/10/2021 07:19

I rarely get any cards of any of my friends. We are all useless but know we are there for each other when it really matters.

Even if I put on a party few would bother!

Happy birthday!

WarriorN · 19/10/2021 07:23

I made a lot of friends through a rather niche martial art that attracted like minded people. It was in my 20s though.

Other friends have been through the kids and other parents.

I'm starting to make friends through feminist networks especially a local one.

We moved a bit and my mum made friends through volunteering in the local church and dog walking, art groups generally being involved in local parish things.

Lollipop444 · 19/10/2021 07:23

I always feel like this on my birthday too, like it brings home how few people give a stuff about you, and you can feel quite sad.

On the surface I have quite a few friends and I do get a couple of cards and pressies from some of them. To me it’s more that no one is ever bothered enough to want to do anything for my birthday, but maybe it’s my fault for not planning anything?

I will often go for meals and drinks for friends birthdays but always feel bad about asking people to go out and spend money on a meal for mine. And I couldn’t afford to pay for them,.

Do you buy presents and cards for friends birthdays?

TopCatsTopHat · 19/10/2021 07:32

Long hours and free time spent with kids would make it hard to get many friendships off the ground, where would your diaries overlap! 😉
So I'd look at it as an age and stage thing, be glad you have 2 good friends as it sounds like if you had any more you would struggle to give the relationship the time it would need to thrive anyway. 2 good friends is only 1 less than me and I think I'm doing OK. 😆 I feel like I neglect the ones I have as it is. Luckily we're all in the same boat so understand and are biding our time until the kids leave and we can let our hair down, only another decade or so to go. 😂

AliceinBorderland · 19/10/2021 07:34

Do you work? Some of the best friends I have were made at work.

Birthday this year 3 colleagues took me for drinks after work the day before and gave me a card etc.

I know on here it is forbidden to even look at a colleague unless it is work related but luckily in the real world most people are so standoffish and insular

AliceinBorderland · 19/10/2021 07:35

Aren't so standoffish

AliceinBorderland · 19/10/2021 07:41

Ah missed that.. wfh is a killer for social interaction.

However people love it is isolating and I hate it. I became much better friends with the few colleagues who couldn't stand it and want to go to the office.

If you don't put yourself out there it will continue. Wfh and kids and jigsaws well...you can't have it both ways. You need to make some effort it won't just happen.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/10/2021 07:46

I think from your post that, like me, you are single?

I think it’s the lack of a partner on a birthday that is causing this, as it’s not really friends’ responsibility to make your birthday special, despite what Tv and films suggest.

I’ve got good friends but unless I organise birthday drinks or something, most wouldn’t particularly do anything. A couple would drop off a little present but it’s not their fish to fry.

CMOTDibbler · 19/10/2021 08:02

I totally get it. My birthday was at the weekend and I got a card (and presents) from dh and ds, plus a text from a colleague and that was it. It does make me sad, and of course think about my parents. DH and I are both 50 next year and he's planning a big dinner for his, and I don't know even who I'd invite to mine

anonymousanne · 19/10/2021 09:14

I definitely don't have any real friends. Just a few people I see periodically for a catch up. I do thankfully have a sil that is now also a very good friend and we have children of a similar age. I do think it's hard to build friendships and I am sometimes envious of those that seem to have people they can call on for a girls night out etc. I got left behind a bit when people started having kids (although I always made an effort to go to soft plays/parks etc) and now their kids are growing and mine are babies. I do count my blessings though. I have a wonderful husband, DC and some close family members. They have my back and mine there's always so that's a positive.

Mary46 · 19/10/2021 09:42

Hi op we do big ones eg 40 50 etc. Mine after xmas so I get nothing. Friends bit flat but did meet one yesterday. I wonder has life got so busy busy that people dont commit now to meet. I see a few school mams thats about it. Coffee or walk

SarahBellam · 20/10/2021 15:31

I haven't sent cards in years - and I get hardly any. A Facebook post or a text is fine for my friends and I.

Rememberallball · 20/10/2021 15:40

This year it’s a ‘big’ birthday (one with a 0 on it that is heavily celebrated if it’s a wedding anniversary!!) for me and DH keeps suggesting he organise a party or a meal out for us and ‘a dozen or so’ friends - except we have 2 year old twins who I’d never take to a restaurant in the evening and don’t have anyone who would babysit; I don’t have enough friends living less than 200 miles away to justify a party; I really don’t see other people wanting to celebrate my birthday less than a week before Christmas!! I doubt I’ll get cards from anyone other than DH and the twins, my sister and her family, and my MiL but that’s pretty normal so it won’t come as any surprise when the same happens this year!! I’m at the point where I’m just going to pretend it’s not happening

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