Dd, anxiety and school

[Ffs2020]

Dd suffers with an anxiety disorder so her school attendance is patchy. She really tries but sometimes just can't leave the house. The school have mostly been brilliant. I had a chat with them today and we've come up with a plan to get her back to school after having to self isolate. She felt good about the plan, until this evening.

She got a few messages from her friends saying that one teacher had been making comments about her attendance and joking that the whole class will do better than her in the next test, and that she doesn't have a good reason to miss so much school.

I've been sitting here since about 9, quietly raging. Dd has done so much work on her anxiety, has been pushing herself and genuinely tries to go to school, and she feels now that all the teachers are saying these types of things (they're not), that the whole school is talking about her, and that everyone will be staring at her when/if she goes back.

Aibu to call the school tomorrow to tell them that this isn't helpful, or do I let it go as I suspect that said teacher would try to talk/apologise to dd about it?

Absolutely tell the school, I was the same as your daughter back when I was in school and one teacher was a literal bully, making snidey remarks and generally picking on anyone vulnerable. Without a parent wading in it will continue. I hope your daughters okay you sound excellent xx

If you're going to say something, make sure you do it in a way that doesn't make you feel like a dick if it transpires that these kids have exaggerated or twisted the context.

For example - one of my students was off last week and her friends asked me whether she'd still have to do an upcoming test. I said that she would.

They pointed out that she'd missed a number of key lessons and would be missing a lot of subject matter. I agreed that she had missed a number of important lessons but was probably working hard at home to make sure that she didn't fall behind.

They said that she wasn't working hard at home because they'd been in touch and she didn't feel well enough to work. It was kind of a circuitous, pointless discussion that I didn't really have time for. Think I finished it with something like 'well I guess she will find the test really hard then.'

No doubt they gleefully rang her that very evening and said 'miss says you've still got to do the test but will find it really hard because you're not doing your work at home.'

Honestly, any information received third hand through kids is likely to be slightly skewed and filtered.

Especially given that you say that the school have been brilliant about her attendance and have put together a reintegration plan that she's happy with. Even the fact that you think that this teacher will try to apologise suggests that she's usually quite nice and supportive.

Personally, I'd be giving them the benefit of the doubt on this one but worth mentioning that anything said at school gets back to dd, so that this can't happen again as it knocks her confidence and puts the plan in jeopardy.

I would speak to the school, but in a way that leaves space for them to determine whether this is definitely something the teacher did, or whether it’s your daughter’s friends exaggerating or making things up. Either way I think it’s something the school needs to address, but I would let them investigate what happened first.

Phone the school to discuss it rather than complain. Hopefully it was a miscommunication.
I hope you get things sorted with DD. 13 year old DS has anxiety and PTSD and had a fair bit of time off before the summer.

Thank you everyone. It's been very stressful for everyone, and I'm constantly second guessing myself and if I'm doing the right thing, or dealing with things the way that I should be. I've spoken to the school and just said that any comments, good or bad make dd very anxious, and can cause anxiety attacks. Dd is reluctant to go back to this teachers class, so we need to come up with a plan for that.

Agree you need to treat these messages with caution and try not to let her get wound up. An off the cuff remark may well easily be exaggerated. How old is your dd?

She's 16. They may well have been exaggerated but anything that draws attention to her gives her anxiety.

I’m not sure her friends are very helpful reporting this back to her.