Am I wrong to have doubts?

[DoctorNameChange]

Name changed so I'm not outed! Desperate for some perspective and advice. Myself and my partner have been together for about three and a half years. We had a crisis pregnancy right after we started dating. It should have been a disaster...but it wasn't. We ended up falling in love, moving in together and starting a little family. We both dearly love our DD. During the pandemic, it was close quarters, we're a little isolated and have no real support structure. Still, we did okay.

A few months ago we had a miscarriage. We'd been ttc for about five months and we're both affected by the loss. We mutually decided that we were okay being a one child family. Since the mc, I haven't really felt sexual. We haven't been intimate and i think it's starting to wear. I don't know if it's a cause or a symptom but we're sniping at each other in ways we haven't before. We have quite different personalities but it's really only starting to show now. I do worry at times that he doesn't 'get' me at all. Sometimes I'm not sure if he notices the things about me that I like about myself. I wonder if he'd rather a different (more sensible) woman.

My partner is lovely, considerate, smart and kind. I cannot speak of him more highly. But... I don't know if he loves me and I'm starting to doubt that we're going to go the distance. Though I really want to stay together and make our family work, I can feel myself starting to pull away, possibly as an act of self-sabotage or self-preservation. I want to feel loved and without feeling it..I'm not sure I can be loving either. Has anyone experienced anything similar? How did it go for you? This isn't a dark, dramatic break up but it feels like we're entering a dodgy quicksand-y place.

AIBU for having doubts? How do I start to fix it?

Have you sat down and spoken to each other openly about how you're feeling?

So sorry you're feeling this way

Sorry op. That's shit start by talking to him. He needs to know exactly how you feel, just like you need to know how he feels.
You're a team. Keep talking about it.

You cant work on anything together,if you both dont have all of the information.

Tell his exactly what you've told us, your true feelings and thoughts.

him*

OP this sounds like a good time to consider couples counselling. Done before things get too bad, it can really turn things around. I strongly recommend it.

Why do you suspect he doesn’t love you? Sometimes people love us even if they don’t fully ‘get’ us.

Why are you pulling away from the physical/sexual stuff? Most people need that.

Are you really really actually ok with the decision about having no more children? Is he? It’s the deepest pain imaginable to want a child and not have one, or another one.

It’s ok to have doubts. But the way you tell it, it seems like it’s your own love that’s in question rather than his. Maybe I missed something. Or maybe he’s not enough for you. Or maybe there’s more to tell. I hope you find a solution because it all sounds very painful.

I know you're all right and a conversation needs to be had. We're fantastic at communicating....as long as it isn't about the dark stuff. It's going to be tough. I don't want him to feel like I have one foot out of the door because that really isn't the case.

@RiojaRose He hasn't said he loves me in quite some time, couple that with the fact that our relationship had a dramatic start and we were sort of thrown together. Honestly, without our DD, I don't know if we'd have continued a relationship. It's something that worries me.

I am okay with not having more children. The mc was painful and I don't want to go through it again. Similarly, we were only ttc for five months but that was difficult too. My partner is also okay with the decision. Honestly, we reached it together. We struggle with one because we don't have much support and we both work. My partner loves babies but is deeply pragmatic, he was worried about how we'd cope with two.

I know most people need the physical side of things. I will work on it. We're with each other 24/7 because we both now work from home. It can be hard to get yourself in the mood in close quarters and I'm a rape survivor so I can't force it without getting upset. Sorry. I know that's a lot to read but that's the truth of it.

I'm going to take the counselling advice on the thread. Starting with myself and working up to couple's counselling. I think we're both more than willing to put in the work. I really hope things improve and we stay together.

Thanks so much for your replies, everyone. You're a kind bunch. Much appreciated.