Why the explosion every time?

[FamilyDramaLlama]

Regular user, occasional name changer here. I have a tricky family but am getting particularly worn down by my Dsis. My dad is coming to visit in a week and my sister must have heard from my mum and asked if she could come too. I said no because I don't see my dad very often and when we're all together it's not pleasant. Cue the texts about how I never invite her anywhere (not true) and no body makes any effort with her (not true) and then I was disowned. Again. That's the problem, whenever I say no to something or call something out I'm disowned. I'm so tired.

So am I a raging bitch for saying she couldn't come?

Full disclosure - there is several years backstory but I'm not even sure I could succinctly cover it in one post.

No you aren't. If she wants to see him then she can organise it herself. Just ignore her drama

Just because she is your relative is no reason to accept her behaviour.. Be accepting of being disowned and enjoy the peace!! Don't make any effort to make up. Bet she needs you first....

So sick of being made to feel shit by her. I genuinely think there is something wrong (for want of a better word) because there is the biggest drama over anything.

Awwww, don't feel bad, you've made a sensible decision for good reasons. Most people who are reasonable would consider a rejected request for a visit from both points of view before condemning and blaming. She isn't doing that, so she's not reasonable and is more interested in what she wants than what's best and doesn't mind dishing out flack as she flails around emotionally.
Do what you need to do to put some distance between her reaction and your guilt - it isn't your fault, you don't need to feel guilty.

"Flails around emotionally" is the perfect way to describe it.

She once sulked with me for an entire evening when I wouldn't (pretty much randomly) let her have £4 of mine lying beside my purse. She earns more than me.

Ridiculous. There you go. Pull up the empotional drawbridge, she can fire shots over the moat but you can take cover behind the ramparts and ignore. Sorry you've got a crap sister.

That behaviour is not normal, so yes I’d agree there are mental health issues for her to feel so desperately rejected by perfectly normal everyday events. Did she experience some sort of trauma as a child??

And yes it’s fine to say no but it maybe easier to handle her if you regard her as having the emotional intelligence and regulation of a child!

It makes me question myself but I definitely have to distance a bit because, well the timing is really bad, I don't have the emotional capacity for it.

I actually think she did experience trauma but I'm not 100% sure what. We grew up together (in very privileged circumstances) but things were not exactly perfect. I'm aware she was parented harder, shouted at more, and constantly being compared to me. I was shielded from a lot of it for some reason 🤔

She feels rejected extremely easily and can say things that are blatantly untrue like when I drove over an hour and a half in the middle of the night to see her (I crisis) and made my husband take time off work the next day to look after the kids, she said to my face "no one does anything for me".

*she was in crisis

Not unreasonable
Sensible probably

People can be hard work

Ultimately, we can't really advise if there is a massive backstory which you're not elaborating on.

To me the key is in your comments regarding your different upbringing , you being the obvious favourite. She's looking for validation although not in an effective manner.

I know, it's difficult to elaborate on because it spans years and is, I feel, sort of unfair for me to out her personal problems (even if this is anonymous). I just find her an extremely difficult person and she causes absolute chaos everywhere she goes.

I was definitely the favourite as a child (and adult) and it's to my shame I allowed this to happen. She now has to be the centre of attention at all times. I went to stay with my mum while waiting for my missed miscarriage to complete and she turned it into a meeting her boyfriend event. If I ask my mum to come up and help me with the kids (they are disabled), she'll try to change it to me driving them long distance for a day trip nearby hers (where I would be expected to care for them) and insinuate I'm a bad mum who never takes her kids out if I don't. My mum gets really bad news (close relative about to die) and my sister will text her abuse that my mum apparently never makes day trip plans with her? It's just relentless and everyone else is always the problem (she has lots of friendship and workplace issues).

@KayKayWat

Ultimately, we can't really advise if there is a massive backstory which you're not elaborating on.

You’re just being nosy. The OP has stated enough already.

Sounds like she would be happier if she got help. Her view of no-one wanting to help her even when she's been helped points to a very firmly fixed perception which gets in the way of her noticing what nice things she does get. Which is so sad. Sounds like you are both the victims of old family history in different divisive ways which gets in the way of a nice relationship which is also very very sad.

I do feel terribly sad for her. Every time things are going well and everyone is happy she launches a grenade into everything. It's like she doesn't feel comfortable being happy

This is why we all need to parent as carefully as we can because emotional damage done early causes scars. I'm sorry to hear this is ruling her and yours life to this extent. I don't think you should feel guilty, you were a child when it all began and it can take time to realise what's going on and influence things for the better as you mature.
I think she deserves compassion but at the same time you need to keep healthy boundaries so you don't get sacrificed on the alter of her wounds. If she was ever open to the conversation maybe you could offer her recognition and understanding and express your regret that the seeds of division were ever sown. Maybe she could recognise this was not your wish. Maybe her resentment that you benefited while she suffered would be too deep.
I wish all suffering children could be protected, the distress is awful and long lasting.

Don’t feel ashamed it’s not your fault. Really not. She obviously finds all interactions you have with parents triggering so I’d suggest not telling her about every meeting up unless she has to know. And I’d suggest regular scheduled check ins with her so that she knows she can rely on you and parents not forgetting her. A bit like the child who can’t manage their behaviour at school who needs a daily 1:1 ‘fix’ with their teacher.

I too have a nightmare sister. I don't have anything to do with her any more. Pretty certain she has a personality disorder.

My step mother is now nc due to her only wanting to live in dramas. She would play all of us against one another. She’d be fighting with one part of the family and wanting sympathy from another part. Totally wearing. She’d also be ultra nice and super supportive, but I think she be saying to her friends “Oh poor so and so, life is sooooo difficult for them at the moment what with the xyz”. She’d want everyone’s attention and sympathy for things going on in her and extended families lives but only for herself. Took me ages to work that one out.

The final straw came when we found out about something major she did which she thinks we don’t know about. We blocked her. I’d love to tell her why but it wouldn’t be worth the trouble.

@Sicario

I too have a nightmare sister. I don't have anything to do with her any more. Pretty certain she has a personality disorder.

This was my armchair diagnosis (I know, I know it's not great to do this) of my sister.

@Sicario do you mind me asking, did you find your sister caused complete mayhem all the time between all family? Mine is so unbelievably hot then cold

No you’re not a bitch or at all wrong for not letting her invite herself. Enjoy the peace that being disowned brings. If and when she “forgives you” (she will as she clearly loves a bit of drama) don’t be in too big of a hurry to jump to her tune.

Remember that she may have always been difficult, unpredictable and liable to lash out which might have made it almost inevitable that you’d appear to be the favourite child.

Regard this as todddler training. Hold firm, be kind but don’t give in to emotional abuse. Arrange another family meet up if that suits but this time she’s not included.

Don’t attempt to reason with her, I’m sure you know it’s impossible.

"Remember that she may have always been difficult, unpredictable and liable to lash out which might have made it almost inevitable that you’d appear to be the favourite child."

Apparently my mum wanted her to be seen by a child psychologist when she was 3 (over 25 years ago) but everyone said she was being ridiculous.

So much to untangle. Thanks for the advice everyone.